These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Dream 2 - The Mountain Rainbow


There are times when I dream and forget, and there are times when I dream and remember. These two dreams were vivid and I awoke immediately after them. It was still around that special time known as 'stupid o’clock' in the morning, nevertheless I also wrote this one down in full. This is a transcript of my second early morning dream notes:

"I am in a mountainside chalet. It has been raining but people are on the grass and the decking outside of the huge windows. I realise I had been sleeping for a long time. I slowly wander out into the daylight and I see someone I know and we talk briefly. I am wrapped in a loose throw from the bed. I ask her if I have to get up and dressed now.

“Do what you like,” she replies, “it’s your journey.”

Looking up across the mountains I see that the mist is rising and the most magnificent thick rainbow is beginning to appear in the distance. Each of the colours seems to be three times as wide as it normally is – it’s fantastically vibrant. I rush away for my camera. Looking out of the window in my room I decide to go out of the window instead of using the stairs again to get back to the decking area.

I slip through an opening in the floor – like a chute. Immediately I am outside on the wide cedar deck. I decide to stand on my car for a better view (it is suddenly there on the deck). Camera in hand I clamber up onto the boot. A man – who was also taken by the view – tries to climb up on my car as well. I ask him not to do so as it will disturb my delicate balance. He ignores my request saying the view is too good to miss: he has a professional camera with long lenses attached. The car totters when he climbs onto the front (it is a dark blue Nissan Bluebird – a car I have never owned). I get down from the car and start the engine and move the car forwards.

All the time this is happening there is also someone else with me on the car. Just standing there. She’s giving me perfect balance. This man was upsetting my balance and my view of the rainbow. Where I move the car to, a few feet forwards, the man cannot follow for some reason. In the new position I climb back onto the roof with my camera in hand, clouds now cover the rainbow, my perfect shot is spoilt. I feel anger rising – well, annoyance at the very least. The person who is balancing me turns from looking out across the valley and just smiles at me from the other end of the car and then she says in a soft, gentle voice that has no hint of hurry attached to it, “Is it worth it? It was a lovely rainbow, and a seemingly perfect setting, but there will be other rainbows, other times. Don’t worry.”

I relax and sit on the roof of the car gazing out across the heavily wooded valley towards the mountains where the clouds are again lifting and parts of the rainbow are beginning to reappear. I do not pick up my camera again.

I look at my friend who has been silently balancing me since I came back onto the decking. She stands just off to one side of me, she is wearing a long deep chocolate-brown cloak that covers her from her shoulders to the floor. The side of her face is just visible to me. I know her well.

We are alone on the decking looking out in the same direction in unison.

I feel peace and calmness again descend as the clouds lift. Together we enjoy the view and silently we capture it with our hearts and minds.

Friday, 13 July 2012

Dream 1 - The Gatekeeper


There are times when I dream and forget, and there are times when I dream and remember. These two dreams were vivid and I awoke immediately after them. It was stupid o’clock in the morning, nevertheless I wrote them both down in full. This is a transcript of my early morning dream notes:

"At a spiritual retreat I am asked to pray – the message has been relayed from the guru leading the next session. I decline at first because I’m nervous; I haven’t prayed in public for a long time. Then I ask what she would like me to say, what topic should I refer to, Who should I direct the prayer to. I say I usually pray to God not to the “Spirit” – something I have heard whilst at the retreat I believe. The co-ordinator says I should pray to the ‘Gatekeeper’. I accept the guidance and direction.

The ceremony is about to commence and the guru is sat on stage, deep in private conversation with her aide. 

I approach her and gently tap her. She does not move her head from her position where she is talking in her assistant’s ear.

I lean in to whisper to her.

I nuzzle her temple. It feels so intimate – she stops talking and moves her head towards me applying the slightest pressure to me but without pushing me away. I flush with both embarrassment and joy.

I talk quickly into her ear –moving my lips to the side of her face.

I venture the question, “What would you like me to pray about?” after thanking her for choosing me. Her eyes – and mine – are closed but I know we are both smiling: me nervously, she with pleasure.
“About the Gatekeeper ... of life” she murmurs. Her breath enters me in a warm and sensual way. I feel my knees buckle.

With reluctance I thank her and pull away.

It is only then that I am aware of the thousands of people silently watching me. I glide away off the stage to the wings where I sit to one side behind the heavy blue velvet curtains and try to compose myself.

A man with a microphone, who is just visible on stage, is talking to the gathered crowd. I breathe and open my eyes – seemingly for the first time – and look again at the guru. Suddenly I know the right thing to say and to do.

I know the structure of my prayer. I will talk to the Gatekeeper of life who has – in my mind – become a farmer. My life is a seed. That is my immediate conclusion. We are planted, we grow, we produce fruit from our lives in the form of new seeds: that is our harvest time. As I realise my part in the life cycle I smile with the man seated next to me. Although we do not know each other’s thoughts we accept the smile shared.
The guru later tells me that I have been blessed. Her whole speech was based on the farming analogy and when I prayed before she spoke I didn’t know that.

Touching her gave me insight."
(Within my dreams I time travel. I am here, then I am in the future, the past and then back to the present before I blink. I love dreams.)

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Action and inaction


I am the owner of my actions and also the sole proprietor of my inactions. Whatever I choose to do, I am responsible for that. Also, whatever I choose not to do – if I decide never to take a particular action, I am equally and exclusively responsibe for my decision.


Saturday, 7 July 2012

Influence


Apparently I don’t look ‘gay’. So what does gay look like? Nothing specific as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, after I confirmed that I was indeed gay the young man I was speaking to expressed his concerns. Here is a portion of our recent conversation:
“So you’re gay.”
“Yes, I am.”
“You’re a lesbian then.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
At this point I was wondering if there was a whole list of terms he was prepared to go through to ‘define’ me. But it stopped there.

“Does your child know about your sexuality?”
“Of course he does.” I laughed a bit when saying this – maybe not the best move with a potential homophobe.
“Aren’t you afraid that you will influence him to become gay as well?”

Deep breathing automatically took over at this point. I was disappointed in him and his line of thinking, nevertheless I decided to answer him.
Now I was no longer laughing. I was actually frowning – not the best look I have in my repertoire.
“I wasn’t influenced by my parents – who were both heterosexuals, nor by my siblings or ... the majority of society. This is who I am.”
“Oh.” He sat quietly for a second. Then realisation spread across his face. “I didn’t think about it like that.”



No,” I said softly, “not many people do. They only think that gay people exert all the influence to ‘change’ people. I was born this way. I didn’t choose who I’d be attracted to, it just happened – the same way it does for you I suspect. I mean, who in their right mind would choose to be a minority in several groups each day when discrimination is the loaded gun against them? Not me, that’s for sure. I’ve already got enough negative biases against me, do you think I would wake up one day and say to myself, ‘ In addition to be Black and female in this society I’m going to choose to be gay as well?’ This is not a card game, this is real life. This is who I am ... naturally.”

“Oh yeah,” he conceded, “I didn’t look at it like that.”
“Most people don’t because they are not facing the power imbalance of the particular type of discrimination.”

Now I wonder will that conversation have any influence on his thinking?

Sunday, 1 July 2012

What are you feeling?


Ever had difficulty putting thoughts into words but know the feeling you’re trying to explain?



Memory helps when time and distance separates you. Memories stir feelings.

Your body never forgets the feelings you had at particularly important moments. Especially love.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
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