I did it to myself

I am suffering and I did it to myself so this is not a pity party post.

I do not use a lot of sugar in my foods. I usually have sugar in herbal teas ... and that’s it. But the other day I decided that I wanted something sweet. Fine, you may say, and it would have been if I indulged in moderation, but I guess I am an excessive person in particular things – especially those I have avoided for a while.

Just to make it clear, I don’t crave sugar at all. I can do without it – in fact I don’t usually consider it as part of my eating habits. It’s useful in some cooking, but that’s about it as far as I’m concerned. Don’t I sound righteous? Well, before you envy me let me tell you that some decades ago before I was a vegan I was also a chocoholic! Belgian chocolates – especially Guylian (a whole 500g box would sit on my desk for ... well, long hours – until I’d eaten them all!),

Cadbury’s Whole Nut, Bounty bars, Flakes, Marathons (aka Snickers), Aero, Crunchies, Yorkies, Kit Kats and Maltesers. The list was varied and almost endless. I stopped only because although I enjoyed eating it the after effects were terrible. My migraines would last for weeks. Some things, no matter how wonderful they are, are really not worth the pain you get in your life.

Now I have a headache just thinking about the chocolate.

But I seemed to forget that last week when I went into the shop and stopped at the pic’n’mix section. I just wanted something sweet. I missed the taste ... and it was right there just waiting for me to get it. On the way home I had a few sweets. They raced around my body giving me a pleasantly strange sensation so I ate some more. My later meal seemed bland compared to the immediate highs of the sugar rush.

A few hours later I started to come down. The headache arrived and my body felt sluggish. I just wanted to sleep it off. I felt sick and you know what? Yes, that’s right I wanted to get rid of that feeling so I thought of eating some more sweets! Ridiculous I know but that’s where I was at that moment. I wanted to feel good (sugar did that) I wanted to do it immediately (it was accessible) so ... I went to the cupboard and opened it up, reached in and – closed the bag tightly.

Then I poured myself a glass of water and drank that instead.

No way did that give me the rush that I craved, but I knew it was better for me in the long run. I felt cheated. Normally water is refreshing, this time it felt like a very poor substitute for my desires.

So, that’s where I am now, still crashing from my sugar high. And I am asking myself was it really worth it?

Diamonds

Photo: Diver Aguilar

The hand that first plucks a diamond from dark obscurity rarely wears the final polished stone. The eye that initially sees the beautiful gem in the dirt seldom delights in the refined treasure.

But I can reveal the brilliance in my own life and I can behold it every day.

I am my own diamond.

© De Beers LV Limited

Identity questioned

Who are you?

Think about it. The question is not what do you do but WHO you are?

Is your identity one that you are comfortable living with or are you currently establishing a new one?

The question is not about your social status, your occupation, your ethnicity or your religion. The question is about your character and your inner construction of yourself. The person you are when you wake up in the middle of the night, the person you are when you see pain in another being, the person you are when you are laughing, the person you are when you are crying.

This question, for me, is about the person I am when I am alone but also the person I am when I am with friends, when I am with family, when I am shopping, when I find a wallet full of money, when I see a child on their own. It is at times like these that I am reminded of who I really am.

When asking myself this question there was a tinge of something resembling guilt in some areas and I was curious as to why I felt this. So I delved further, I questioned myself in another way.

Do you feel guilty about any aspects of your identity and if so (or if not) then why?

What drives you to be who you are each day?

Does anything about yourself make you feel inadequate?

Do you know why?

Who or what are you comparing yourself to?

How can you change that?

Who are you?

Releasing control

I like to plan things. I do this because I like to know what’s happening.

If I’m in control then if anything goes wrong the only person I will be disappointed in is me… and I can deal with that.

So it came as a bit of a surprise to me the other day when I text a few friends and said I had a free evening and did they want to do something, anything they could think of. Of course, as soon as I’d sent the texts I began to regret it and thought of immediately inventing a text delete or rewind button to retrieve sent text from cyberspace.

‘Ah well …’ I thought, ‘let’s just see who gets back in touch.’

I had released some of my control and it felt strange for a while. My mind started making plans about how I’d get out of this rash decision making moment. Was it panic that came and settled on my shoulders making my muscles tense? Maybe it was the unfamiliar fear of letting someone else look into my mind and be in touch with my feelings.

I have had times in the past when I felt that I was too quick to trust people, I experienced deep disappointments and then I learnt to trust only myself. But eventually that leads to loneliness. Even when I was surrounded by groups of people I knew that I was standing alone. I only had faith in myself. I somehow comforted myself that that was the best position to be in. It wasn’t.

Having the strength to believe in the goodness of others is not hard. People really do want to know each other and be known.

I clearly remember the first person who asked me to do something for them and without hesitation I said yes. My dear friend said ‘Marj, can you do me a favour?’

She didn’t say what it was or give me any further details about who, when, where, what or why but I knew that because she had asked and because I trusted her that there was not danger in the request. I knew her. I believed in her goodness. I knew her goodness would not mean anything negative for me. So I went ahead without fear.

I think that after disappointments we learn to protect ourselves sometimes we close down our lines of communication and trust in order to heal the injury. What this weekend has highlighted to me is that after an emotional injury you have to learn to have faith in people again just like a baby learning to walk. You have to take small steps until the faith and trust muscles are strong enough to take you through the unknown.

Exercising trust builds good muscles. Control muscles, like everything else, needs balance. These work great together. Fear of letting go can cause intense social cramps. Working the combined faith and trust muscles gives me increased flexibility and wonderful experiences.

I had several replies to my texts. All very bright. People were busy, working or had other arrangements planned but they wanted to do something with me as soon as we were both free. I smiled. That alone was worth the risk of sending the texts. Although I was not going out with them as I had hoped, I was still happy.

Then I got an unexpected call. And from there my whole weekend changed.

I have been learning again.

I have trusted myself to make good decisions.

I have been working my ‘faith in others’ muscles.

I ended up having a spectacular weekend and I don’t feel as if I’ve lost anything by not being in control all the time.

The release and the pleasure that I gained from having faith in someone else gave me a brilliant feeling of satisfaction and peace.

It didn’t really matter whether it all turned out marvellously or not - but on this occasion it did - the point that I learned again was that I cannot trust someone or something until I’ve given them the chance to prove themselves trustworthy. For me, this weekend, trust has meant giving up control and relying on something or someone other than me.

It was fun and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I released control and got stronger at the same time.

It’s all good.

Passion

True passion – for there is no other type of passion – is like an eclipse. The passion controls your attention as everything else fades to the background. Other things are not totally blocked out but, for a while, they are less significant in importance than this new interest.

New passions are always exciting. When a new passion grabs my attention I get swept along on the tidal wave of emotion. I want to immerse myself totally in this new subject, activity, or person. The adrenalin levels peak and most other things in my life become like the corona of the sun. The amount of time invested in an activity is directly related to the intensity of the passion.

Passion does not ever end - if an interest ends then I would suggest that it was just that, an interest, not a passion.

Even after the passing of time, the change of location, the alteration of circumstances, the passion will remain. It may smoulder out of the direct eye line of many, but within the heart of the one who feels it, the passion never dies.

With a familiar passion there are constant reminders of what first ignited that fire of desire. These things can occur at any time, in any place, and they are brilliant assailants. They storm my hidden places and the familiar excitement will make my pulse run faster, make my eyes shine brighter and graft that deep wide smile of satisfaction throughout my whole being.

Passion is beautiful.

Passion is life enhancing.

Passion is passionate.

Embrace passion and enjoy the ride.

“True art, like passion, is equally permanent.”

John Bayley. The Red Hat.