Thunderbolts

When you least expect it a thunderbolt can knock you off balance. I am a fairly even tempered person and, although I spend a fair amount of time in reflection, I didn’t understand what was unsettling me until I was casually talking to a friend the other evening. As we easily conversed I mentioned a passing incident that had occurred days ago and then ... thunderbolt! I realised that it had affected me more that I had initially thought.

When I saw someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years I was a little unnerved. For about an hour I was doing things out of coordination and making bizarre decisions. So, I abandoned my plans outside of the home and returned to the safe confines of my comfort zone.

Then I forgot about it. Or so I thought.

But, alas, this non-meeting was not done with wrangling with my emotions just yet. After several days of being too busy to think about it (you know the busyness that you make yourself engage in to stop yourself thinking about real things) I happened upon the real reason for my unsettled demeanour in this peaceful conversation.

Then I acknowledged that seeing my ex had distressed me.

I am not one to hold a grudge but I guess I have to deal with the fact that I have one being held against me. This woman refuses to talk to me or even look at me or my child. On the one occasion we have been within spitting distance she has walked right past us as if we were invisible despite my attempts to smile and be pleasant.

So, when I saw her the other day that knot of anguish built up in my stomach before I had a chance to think. Then I gave control over to the adrenalin and existed in this suspended state for many hours.

The bizarre facts are that all of her family still have contact with me, despite our own non-communication (her choice). Immediately after seeing her I saw her father who has just arrived from overseas for a visit. You can’t fake the joy in the eyes, the smile and the hugs that we shared – it was a surprise to see him and that was like salve to the previous wound of seeing his child and being pointedly ignored.

Each to their own, I think. Somehow we have to learn to live with other people’s choices – they are evidently doing the best for themselves, and that must be a good thing.

Now that I have recognised where and when the thunderbolt arrived in my life I can clear up the collateral damage that I have been experiencing and be ready for the next time ... maybe.

But, as you know thunderbolts don’t come with warnings.