Heart broken

Heart broken

You never forget
the sense of whole-ness
that you knew when your mother was
here.
Like the smell of freshly baked bread
the reality of loss is easily accessed.
Sick and broken without her,
 you trudge through a morass
 of life eternally tinged
 by absence.

 Nothing can ever be the same again.

 © Marjorie H Morgan 2014

Accepting Loss

When do we get taught about accepting loss? When we have lost someone or something and everything is raw with pain? Surely there must be a better way.

Why aren’t we taught about dealing with loss when we are young? Maybe that’s one of the good reason why children have pets because it helps them to deal with loss – not that I am wishing the death of anyone’s pet on them at an early age, but I’m sure you get my meaning.

So, how do we learn to accept loss?

Eckhart Tolle suggests there are only three rational choices to any situation: change it (if possible), walk away (if you are able to) or accept it (and love it) exactly as it is.

The final choice, of accepting things as they are – and imagining that we had chosen that situation – is the best mental choice for dealing with loss. I’m not saying that we would willingly choose loss, all I am saying is that once it has occurred (and we can do nothing about it) there will be a more positive outcome if we accept it (the loving the loss may come at a later stage ... if it ever does).

Some days I am at peace with all my losses, other days are not quite so easy but I am getting there and that’s all I can ask of myself right now.

Loss 

by Chris Zuppa

Broken spirit

There are days when even Hercules would suffer under the physical and emotional strain of life. Despite all that you are currently bearing, you continue to exude a whisper of strength.  Inside I guess you are in pieces but because of your outside look people forget you are vulnerable, tender and fragile too.

I know that what you’re going through is the hardest journey, sometimes it can be easy to forget who you are on this road – the real you becomes invisible to the naked eye.

It gives you every reason to doubt people, but you should always hold on to the truth that you are well loved ... by someone – always.

I love you.

I see you. All of you.

Know now that you are not forgotten. I’ll never forget you.

Focussing on Nanny

I have to attend a funeral in the morning. Well, I say I ‘have to’, I don’t have to – I am choosing to. Although I really dislike the separation and loss that is encapsulated in the funeral service I am going because I want to.

It’s not a party – that’s not where the want stems from, but I’m sure there will be words of celebration about this woman’s life, so I’m not excited in that sense about going there. I know I will cry because I cry for most things and ever since my mother’s funeral nearly 30 years ago I have kept up the tradition of tears on these occasions.

A few days ago I wrote on Twitter “Funerals have a way of focussing you. Whether it be family, friend or a fellow life traveller: a reminder to concentrate on what's important.”

That’s one of the reasons why I’m going. Another is that she was a kind, funny, loving woman who always had a good word to share and when she held on to my arm as she got into the car I felt as if I was doing something good for another human being. D had lived a long life and had suffered through many illnesses that would have stopped many people years ago, so for this woman who reminded me of Nanny of the Maroons, I will take some time out to share another retelling of the journey and they joys of her life.

As D is buried tomorrow I will remember ...

I will remember those who have already left this life and those who are still here.

I will continue to take every opportunity to focus on what and who is important to me in this part of my life journey. I will be focused.

Memory loss

There comes the day when it is evident that people have forgotten you. It could be at Christmas time when you realise that you are no longer receive the regular greeting cards or when you are looking through your address book and a name on a page causes your heart to ache for an unconscious reason.

So what do you do then?

Do you try to jog their memories or do you begin to forget about them as well.

In traumatic situations people often say that they don’t remember what happened; they insist that they do try to remember but they have a complete loss of memory of the event. It is often believed that this is the body’s way of protecting itself.

Although trauma induces automatic recall failure there are times when I think it is important to simulate memory loss – to attain the same healthy result. Then you can move on to the new opportunities that are waiting for you and not be held back by dreams of ‘what if’, ‘maybe’ or ‘perhaps’.

So, the other day I was thinking about ... oh!

Who was that again?

I think I'm forgetting ...

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

Mountains of Pleasure and Valleys of Loss

Let me start this off by saying I have a good life, I really do. But sometimes, in the middle of the mountains of pleasure that I experience for the majority of the time, I can fall into the deep, deep crevasse that is my personal valley of loss.

It is a long way down. I don’t know when I will stumble into it, but when I do I just stay still and cry.

The tears that flow do not trickle out of me, they pour rapidly and my body shakes with the immense pain of the loss. And it’s not just one loss that I feel when I am temporarily trapped in this valley: it is all the losses of all my time. I feel total devastation.

This is not a trite recollection of some ancient time. This is fresh.

I am in the valley now.

I have been here before. However, I do know that my tears will provide the leverage to float me free of my depths and I will once again walk the mountain paths.

A memory triggered me and I slipped. Losing my footing I went into free fall. I’m not sure whether it was the bruising on the way down that hurts my chest now or the actual pain of ejecting the tears from my body, but I ache as I cry.

As I fell I reached out for something to save me, alas all I caught were more links to losses in my life and they tumbled down the valley with me.

As I sat, dejected on the floor, the images of people and places flickered before me. They will never be replaced, they are gone – forever. And that is why this journey into loss hurts so much each time it catches me unawares.

It is hard to see clearly as my eyes are filled with water, but my heart also replays the images with no loss of definition. So I remember it all.

And then, suddenly, I breathe. I exhale.

I notice the tears have stopped and I have the strength to stand again.

127 Hours dir. Danny Boyle

Falteringly at first I do stand up and then, looking up to the brilliant skies and welcoming faces that are peering down to me from the top of the mountain, I begin to climb back to the top. The people in my life now are calling me back; they are willing me to quickly ascend the valley to be with them. I smile and wipe away the tears as I climb.

It does not take too long before I am again on the mountain enjoying the pleasure with my friends and loved ones.

The loss is always there and I know that sometimes I will fall back into it. I also know that I always rise again.

Collateral Damage

I live with my child. We are, what is generally termed, a single parent family. Soon after our separation a few years ago my ex-partner decided that she did not want continued contact with my son or me because it was causing her too much distress and she felt that she could best move on with her life if we did not feature in it. With that message received - passed to me via a third party - Morgan and I started a new chapter of our existence.

As I approach the time when the official decree of my separation is written in the legal records I have begun to wonder what it is like for those parents who still want contact with their children once they have separated from their adult partner.

The majority of the time when families separate the children have to stay with one person. This can cause huge problems of contact and continuity with the departing parent.

What is their life like when they leave the family home? How do they get used to the silence of single life? Is it immediately filled with socialising or does the lone alone parent spend their hours remembering the laughter and the chaotic noise of family life? Do they wander through tidy alien spaces wishing for the mess and disruption of family life?

The alone parent has to deal with the empty rooms and the desperation of planned interactions with their own family. Returning to the shared family home as a stranger having to request access must be a horrible experience. The familiar door is now a drawbridge to a past life. No keys are allowed. As an interloper they wait on the threshold anticipating and hoping for a friendly greeting. Love had brought them back to this spot. It was the loss of a different love that drove them away.

Temporarily reunited it is time to exhale. Time begins to play tricks on the mind. Each allotted moment together is like a plummeting lift. Life is suspended in fear that the best moments will be lost in the rush and the separation will begin again all too soon.

Family life is provisionally recreated as the estranged parent shares uncomfortable time and space where they feel clothed in a sense of no longer belonging in their own children’s lives. Things that they knew on a daily basis now become lists of activities and achievements that were usually shared with distant aunts at Christmas time.

When they part, again, and again, the parent crumbles as they are destroyed by the desolation of separation.

Maybe it’s not just the children who suffer collateral damage.

M and I have had our process of dealing with the separation, and we have done it together. Although I didn’t appreciate the abrupt and sudden rejection of contact that my ex partner had with M, I realise that sometimes these complete breaks are for the best. The slow poison of continual contact can be more destructive in the long run.

And I know that it was also the best decision for us. We are in a better place now. As I’m sure my ex partner is.

The gold refining process

It’s been a bit of a struggle to focus positively since Mother’s Day. When I started remembering my mother I also remembered what happened when she was gone. It was painful.

It was then that I thought that some records should be deleted.

I have been reading my diaries that I started when I was thirteen years old. At the start of my entries I smiled as I read them. Each day I ended the note with the following words ‘Thank God for today’. Two years into my recorded thoughts I stopped writing that for a lengthy period and while re-reading them I came to the conclusion that some things in our past should be forgotten.

I have been reminded of the terrible sadness and isolation I felt from that young age even though I was part of a big family. On the flip side I also met a strong determined girl who championed fair treatment for all from an early age – even when threatened with being placed in care (and further isolated) for daring to speak her mind to her tyrant father. I stood up to him while barely fifteen because my large family shattered when my mum was gone and it was just me and my younger sister left in a house that ceased to be a home to us, with a man who found us a burden, didn’t want us around and never tried to understand our fragile states of loss and fear.

It was when I recognised my strength that I was glad I still had my diaries to remind me of my past.

I feel as good as gold tried in the fire and refined.

Now I can really say, Thank God for today.

Loss

Have you ever lost something? You know you had it one moment and then, imperceptibly, it slipped away from you. The next time you wanted it, needed it, looked for it – it was gone.
How do you feel when you acknowledge your losses? Do you blame yourself for … being careless, stupid, too busy, wasteful?
If you are at fault then you can resolve to do better the next chance you get. You can choose to behave differently.
If the blame lies elsewhere – remember that the loss is not your responsibility and DO NOT take the burden of the loss on as your own personal punishment. There is a time when things end. It may not be our timing, but it may be the right time.

Things change, things pass, things are lost.

The time you have to make a difference is now. The people you have in your life are here for a reason. Enjoy your day. Make good memories – to keep.