Broken spirit

There are days when even Hercules would suffer under the physical and emotional strain of life. Despite all that you are currently bearing, you continue to exude a whisper of strength.  Inside I guess you are in pieces but because of your outside look people forget you are vulnerable, tender and fragile too.

I know that what you’re going through is the hardest journey, sometimes it can be easy to forget who you are on this road – the real you becomes invisible to the naked eye.

It gives you every reason to doubt people, but you should always hold on to the truth that you are well loved ... by someone – always.

I love you.

I see you. All of you.

Know now that you are not forgotten. I’ll never forget you.

Brave or stupid?

This is a DIY blog. You get to fill in your own examples. I know. How kind of me! I thought so, too.

This will sound a bit general because I don’t want to influence your way of thinking about your own situations, so here goes.

I was thinking about a situation when I did something, and the reason why I took this particular action was because I really wanted to believe that the world is a wonderful place. (It’s at this point when things can go one of two ways – choose your own ending.)

Path A: The choice I made blew up in my face and I felt stupid. It was then that I realised that they world was not as good as I had hoped it was. People said that I was stupid – it was confirmed; I knew why I didn’t take risks after all. I went back to reserved living. I questioned my sanity at believing any different.

Path B: The choice I made turned out wonderfully! I was proud of taking the risk and people said that I had been brave. I believed that there was a chance of something different, something better and I went for it. It was in that moment that I knew why I dared to take the risk at all. I was glad that I believed that there was an alternative. I applauded myself for being wise.

I find it sadly amusing that people often don’t do things because they don’t want to be seen as stupid when they have just as much chance as being seen as wise and brave... and feeling fulfilled in their dream.

So what, really, is being brave or stupid?

The Three Musketeers – part 2

In a previous blog I wrote about the unexpected forgetfulness of Morgan, this is what happened next.

As her friends surrounded her I realise I had two choices. The first one was to make her sit out while the other two carried on as planned – that would surely teach her to be more mindful of getting things ready in future. The second choice would be to forgo my relaxation time and return home (only 2 miles away, but in heavy traffic) to get the forgotten item.

What would you have done? I felt it was time for a lesson, being so soon after the last moment of forgetfulness. 

I wondered what other parents would do in this situation and then decided on my course of action.

The tears still flowed while we all stood there, they were waiting for me to say something, I was moved with compassion because I knew that they had all looked forward to this for a long time but I also knew that I had to use this as a learning opportunity for Morgan.

I decided to make the journey back home to retrieve the missing link to their fun.

Before I left I turned to the other two and said, “You two go ahead, Morgan can sit out and wait until I get back.”

“Thank you, Mummy. Thank you, Mummy.” The chorus from earlier had changed from regrets to thanks.

On my way back I received a phone call from one of the girls, “Why aren’t you doing the activities?” I asked. They passed the phone to Morgan, “They didn’t want to leave me on my own,” she explained, “they felt bad leaving me.”

I told them all that they should remember this day, when it was “All for one, and one for all.” I thanked them for their kindness and I applauded them as I dubbed them my wonderful three musketeers: I love each of them tremendously.

In the end of all that to-ing and fro-ing it was me who learnt a valuable lesson – the lesson of friendship.

The Three Musketeers

Before we left the house I asked the three girls if they had everything.

“Yes,” they chorused.

I drove away satisfied that all was good. They were chatting, laughing and singing as if they hadn’t seen each other in years when I thought of one item that Morgan may have forgotten, we were not too far away so I asked, “Do you have your card?”

The silence told me all I needed to know.

As I looked in the rearview mirror I saw Morgan with her hands clasped around her face. Then she started with the apologies, a constant repeated chant, “Sorry Mummy. Sorry Mummy. Sorry Mummy.” With a sigh I indicated to turn the car around and return to the house.

As we were nearing the end of the road I spoke again. “What do you want to give up?” I asked Morgan.

The other two looked confused.

“My DS,” she replied sadly.

“How long for?” I asked.

“Two days please. I need it back by Friday night, please ...”

“OK.” I looked at the clock on the dashboard and said, “Friday, at this time, you can have it back.”

“What was that about?” asked one of the girls.

Morgan explained why she had chosen her own consequence. I added that it was something to help her remember in the future. The girls were impressed that she got to choose her own punishment.

“If it was my mum, she’d take away all my stuff for ages!” they declared in wonder.

Morgan looked even more relieved at that. I thought she would learn from that valuable lesson, and I’m sure she will, but this particular day was not the day for the best memory activities from Morgan.

When we got to the venue, I was about to settle down while they enjoyed their activity, when I saw Morgan coming back towards me. I could see nothing was hurt or damaged on her so I was at a loss to figure out why she was so sad.

As I reached her, she burst into tears.

“What’s wrong, darling?” I questioned her gently.

“I’ve forgotten something else,” she wailed, “I can’t do it now.”

Her friends came up behind her, I looked up at them trying to decide what to do.

What happened next?

That’s all in the next blog.

Thunderbolts

When you least expect it a thunderbolt can knock you off balance. I am a fairly even tempered person and, although I spend a fair amount of time in reflection, I didn’t understand what was unsettling me until I was casually talking to a friend the other evening. As we easily conversed I mentioned a passing incident that had occurred days ago and then ... thunderbolt! I realised that it had affected me more that I had initially thought.

When I saw someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years I was a little unnerved. For about an hour I was doing things out of coordination and making bizarre decisions. So, I abandoned my plans outside of the home and returned to the safe confines of my comfort zone.

Then I forgot about it. Or so I thought.

But, alas, this non-meeting was not done with wrangling with my emotions just yet. After several days of being too busy to think about it (you know the busyness that you make yourself engage in to stop yourself thinking about real things) I happened upon the real reason for my unsettled demeanour in this peaceful conversation.

Then I acknowledged that seeing my ex had distressed me.

I am not one to hold a grudge but I guess I have to deal with the fact that I have one being held against me. This woman refuses to talk to me or even look at me or my child. On the one occasion we have been within spitting distance she has walked right past us as if we were invisible despite my attempts to smile and be pleasant.

So, when I saw her the other day that knot of anguish built up in my stomach before I had a chance to think. Then I gave control over to the adrenalin and existed in this suspended state for many hours.

The bizarre facts are that all of her family still have contact with me, despite our own non-communication (her choice). Immediately after seeing her I saw her father who has just arrived from overseas for a visit. You can’t fake the joy in the eyes, the smile and the hugs that we shared – it was a surprise to see him and that was like salve to the previous wound of seeing his child and being pointedly ignored.

Each to their own, I think. Somehow we have to learn to live with other people’s choices – they are evidently doing the best for themselves, and that must be a good thing.

Now that I have recognised where and when the thunderbolt arrived in my life I can clear up the collateral damage that I have been experiencing and be ready for the next time ... maybe.

But, as you know thunderbolts don’t come with warnings.

What’s the key?

With my (increasingly) bizarre thought processes I have recently fixed upon keys. There are reasons behind every lingering thought and, well, that’s the key to the whole picture ... if you get my drift.

I have two main sets of keys: one for when I leave the house and I’m walking and the other for when I am driving. On each set of keys there are the bare essentials for access, and a key chain. Both of these sets bear memories from a past time.

When I use them – each day – I am subconsciously touching my memories. And it always gives me great pleasure.

My physical keys open the doors to my home and my car but the other keys – well, they have access to my heart.

I’m the only one who knows the full combination to this particular lock but, as with all locked down areas (and lockets), there is always another way to open the portcullis.

Shame

Shame can paralyse you and steal your time.

When I feel a sense of shame I am usually alone in my experience. It’s just me and my shame trying to duck out of view for as long as possible.

Shame also generates other feelings of an equally negative nature.

On the odd occasions that I have been part of a group that feels collective shame - we may have been witnesses to circumstances that cause us to huddle together in our shared sense of regret, then I find we all try to distract ourselves by shifting focus from the source of the shame to some other, any other, banal fact. This is an automatic response, it is as though it has been pre-programmed, we just do it.

Whatever the means that occur to make me shame-filled – thinking something improper has occurred, then I have an associated painful feeling filtering throughout my entire body. I usually don’t know where to look or what to say, the sense of humiliation or embarrassment becomes the only feeling that I am aware of at that time.

If the event is caused by the actions of someone else then, sometimes, it is easier to transcend the shame – unless the person is closely related to me. If my own self-respect or pride has been injured then I may have increased difficulty in passing through the ‘shame time’ in my life because, in my opinion, part of the means over overcoming shame is to acknowledge the situation that caused it in the first place, to identify why it generates those feelings. This is a process of assessing my relationship with the events and the people concerned.

This practice has, in the past, proved a major stumbling block for me because of what I believed about myself and my place or ‘value’ in all relationships. You see, I have always been reluctant to share intimate details about myself (this blog is not an example of intimacy but it is an example of sharing parts of myself) for fear of ridicule and censure. Early experiences left strong memories that were hard to remove.

Now I can easily think of an example where I remember thinking that I had really let myself down by the things I did and said. When I examined the motivation behind my actions I felt deeply ashamed. And before backing out of that situation and facing the shame I carried on under the cover of my embarrassment – this is not a recommended course of action – it only made things a lot worse and the shame became more deeply entrenched in my being.

I know how bad it is to feel as if you are wrong, and also know that you could alter the situation but you become paralysed with fear because you know you have to go through the wall of shame first.

I have wasted many years (yes, that’s right – when I look back I know that it totals up to years) of living wrong, of knowing I had the means to start again but feeling afraid of the doubt that was building up in me as I procrastinated and delayed my decision. As time passed I gained companion feelings for my shame, so it was no longer lonely, I added doubts and resentments to the package.

But one day I did release the shackles and after the period of intense darkness I inhabited there came a different time that was a mixture of both sorrow and gladness.

Sorrow because I took so long to move into what was undoubtedly a better way of living for me, and gladness because the shame was eventually over.

I am glad that I have a slightly better understanding of the power of shame and I am so glad that I know it is possible to move past shame ... repeatedly. I still make mistakes where I hang my head in shame but I believe now that I can get past them.

Undertakers

Not many people like to talk about death and burial. It seems to be a morbid subject that is avoided at all costs in ‘polite society’ – this is one of the reasons why grief is prescribed as a private affair.

Grief, like many emotions, is seen as being a spectacle that should not be observed by others: you are supposed to handle it on your own, in private.

I know that I had been taught that all public displays of emotions were unseemly and, if they were experienced at all then that should be only be behind closed doors, heavy curtains or thick covers. Emotions unsettle others – this was the message I received as a child – therefore you have to hide them away from yourself and others.

I learned to be ashamed of my emotions and feelings. I did not recognise them as anything good or healthy.

I have relearned to be in touch with my emotions – and embrace them.

I didn’t know that I was so capable of breaching tradition, but I have. When my father died I took a shovel and helped, in the West Indian tradition, to ‘bury your own’. The only thing that was surprising about this was that women do not undertake this role. I have never seen another woman do it before or since, but I knew that it was something that I had to do right there and then. I did not realise at the time how symbolic of my life that experience was to be.

The physical burial of my father was the beginning of a reversal in my emotional life. Not long after that time I began digging up my emotions and experiencing them, for real.

Strangely, this grave digging experience may have cause discomfort to others but for me it has been like learning to fly.

Because of the benefits that I have obtained since that time I would suggest that nobody should be an undertaker to all of their emotions. My advice is please do not place your emotions in a coffin and bury them.

My blog is akin to dropping a shovel for others to help them to start their own digging to freedom and feelings.

Wounded

What does it feel like to be wounded?

I’m not talking about being physically wounded. This is not concerning the terrible invasion of your body by a knife or a bullet. This wound, which I am referring to, is an emotional wound, a wound that can exist in an unhealed state for longer than the flesh wound that bleeds, scars and repairs.

Because many people are emotionally conflicted we are also frequently emotionally wounded. In life there are things that happen to us that leave deep marks; signs of the trauma may remain around us or even in us for ages, we may carry the damage with us for life.

I guess the solution is to try and find some way of healing the emotional wound before it festers, becomes an uncontrollable infection and then kills us.

Because we generally live closed lives – we live our lives in secret, most emotional wounds are manifested when there is a conflict situation. This usually increases the pain instead of diminishing it.

My solution is to find a way of examining the emotional wound in a safe environment, an open environment. I do not plan to make a spectacle of myself but I do like the tremendous feeling of pleasure that is associated with the healing process.

It really works.

Emotional wounds can heal. Like the physical wounds, they take time, but with the correct recover plan it is possible to regain full emotional health.

Each person’s plan is individually tailored to their specific health issue so it is necessary to find what works for you.

I raise a glass to your good (emotional) health. Cheers!

Emotional sponge

How do I explain that there are moments when I feel like other people’s emotions are dripping into my very soul? I have this experience too frequently for my own comfort and it’s at times like these that I have the sensation of almost drowning by emotional osmosis.

Being – what some would term – sensitive does mean that I have become finely tuned to pick up mood changes. Some days ago, when I sensed a downward shift within the group I was with, I did the visual checks, they confirmed what the alteration in the tone of voice had already told me, and so I asked if everything was OK. Although I was assured it was fine this was not the entire story. So, over the next few hours the weight of unspoken feelings began to drag me under until I was struggling to stay positive... and the negativity did not even stem from me!

I guess I am an emotional sponge.

But frequently I wish I wasn’t because when these negative emotions flood my body it takes me a long time to regain my own equilibrium.

Luckily I have many good reasons to stay positive and so it was on that day. I took myself away from the negativity, I mean I physically removed myself to a quiet space and then I could focus on my positives not their negatives: it worked.

Wrung free of sapping emotions I filled myself up with my own feelings and after regaining that balance I was able to return to the fray – so to speak – and with a little time, and with some gentle persuasion I managed to encourage Mr. Negative to open up and talk freely about his feelings.

It wasn’t all roses by the end of our conversation – that’s not this reality, but Mr N. did start to share why he had become moody suddenly. With some clarity gained we went our separate ways and by the next meeting everything was on the up again.

It seems like I shared some of my positivity that replaced his negative feelings. Therefore it wasn’t such a bad experience after all as it seems I learnt that this emotional sponge works both ways.

Life enhancing emotions

Some time ago I was thinking about writing about positive emotions that have enhanced my life. Then I got all caught up in living these emotions that I almost forgot to write about them!

There are 10 of these that I try to regularly experience and here are my first 5:

1. Love and emotive expression.

2. Appreciation and gratefulness.

3. Curiosity.

4. Daily excitement and passion.

5. Determination.

I am either a curious or a nosey person, so that is one of the first 5 ticked off the list. I am curious about people and what makes them who they are. I love spending time listening and sharing with different people. This curiosity of mine has not led me into a feline state of near extinction; instead it has brought me to a place of friendship and growing acquaintance with many, many people. It may just start with a smile, and from there I never know where it is going to end; I just love the adventures that I undertake. Real people are much more interesting to me than any soap opera on television.

I am happily growing in gratitude as I learn to appreciate the different learning experiences that I encounter each day. It is the prospect of this daily excitement that fills me with the determination to repeat and enhance the practice of listening to my emotions.

It was like a sudden awakening from a deep sleep when I realised that listening to how I feel was a positive and loving thing to do for myself. I have never returned to that deep slumber although I have occasionally taken brief naps on my way.

I am grateful to several people who have encouraged me to be kind to myself. And when I listen to all emotions - both negative and positive - and take action on them I always experience a sense of well-being.

I appreciate that certain people took the time to see beyond the mask that I felt was permanently fixed to my existence and cheered me on as I fought to begin the transformation into the butterfly I was destined to be. To them I say a sincere ‘thank you’.

More on this soon ...

Emotions and their messages - part 2

In a previous post I talked about the first 5 negative emotions and their messages. In this one I’ll finish the list of the 10 negative emotions that I have become aware of. Then I’ll go on – in another blog, at another time, to talk about what I consider to be the 10 emotions that have enhanced my life. But before I go there, let me return to the negative emotions that I’m looking at today, they are often linked together and I think they are:

1. Disappointment

2. Guilt

3. Inadequacy

4. Feeling overloaded

5. Loneliness

For many years I have been sharing this advice with people: “Don’t feel guilty, because you’ve done nothing wrong,” the main reason why I shared these words was because whoever I was talking to expressed feeling of regret. However, when we looked at the reason for their regret it was invariably cause by the actions of another person and projected, wrongly, onto my confidant.

Guilt is about regret, but personal guilt is about regretting what you as an individual have done – and nothing else. When I feel that I have breached my own standards I get caught up - in my own personal tsunami of guilt - and I feel out of control of all emotions because the guilt suffocates every other feeling I have. I then wrestled with the negative thoughts about myself for a long time; I was effectively behaving in a self-destructive manner. As with the natural tsunami the guilty feelings reached me with speed and power and disabled me from being active in my own life. It took me a while to take my own advice and realise that I did not have to feel guilty when I had not done anything wrong. I accepted that I was not responsible for the behaviour and outcomes of other people’s behaviour and that was the first step towards freeing myself from the shackles of another person’s guilt.

Guilty feelings would often lead to feeling overloaded and inadequate, followed swiftly by feelings of disappointment in myself. I became overwhelmed and then felt hopeless because I believed I had just too much to deal with. This was especially true when I was trying to make sure that everyone else was happy. At one stage of my life I was, foolishly – that’s what I think now – obsessed with trying to make everybody else happy; to do this I, of course, neglected myself and eventually this lead to feelings of loneliness. It may seem strange to think that there I was busy in everybody’s life but lonely in my own, but that was the truth. I knew hundreds of people but I did not have a real, honest, connection with hardly any of them. At this point I’m happy to say that that is no longer the case. When I really started listening to my negative emotions and their messages I began to make positive changes in my life.

It’s obviously not as easy as it sounds. Well, it wasn’t for me, at least. I mentioned being in a rut (in a previous post) and noting just how difficult it was to get out of it. I had cast myself in a caring role; I had decided that I would be the glue that kept my family and other groups together. It was something I perceived as needed so, in the absence of anyone else volunteering for it, I did it. I realised, before it was too late, that I was making myself super busy so that I could not think about the real things I was feeling; it seemed logical to me that if I was running here, there and everywhere for Tom, Dick and Harry and they were happy then I must be doing something right and I would be happy as well. This was not, in fact, true.

I remember that logic has more than one path to a solution; and in fact logic has several solutions. In any flowchart there are ‘yes’ and ‘no’ options and different conditions that flow from each path. I was effectively closing down all choice to say yes to myself. You see, the reason I relied on logic was because that was my career training. I worked in the Information Technology field from the time I left school. I worked with data for years: binary was my second language. I wrote computer programmes, I designed systems and I analysed and consulted with major companies about the most efficient way to run their businesses. And all the time I was unable to free myself from feeling totally inadequate in all areas of my personal life. My business successes were mirrored by my personal failures, but nobody but me was really aware of them for a long time.

I think it was a homeless man in a London underground station that changed my perception of looking after myself properly. I remember that particular encounter when I reeled in shock at the behaviour of myself and my fellow busy commuters towards him and then, on my first class train journey home from London that day I sat in my comfortable seat reading my newspaper and I recall starting to re-evaluate what was most important in my life, what was necessary, and what was a desire.

Once I began the real journey of my life, the one I am still on, the one I am consciously living, I began to change my expectations to be more appropriate for where I was at the time. I began to appreciate the messages and clarify the signals in my life.

Taking action is always possible, but not always easy or comfortable for you or those around you. Nevertheless it has to be done. Sometimes on my journey I have lost my way, and I almost gave up the dream at one stage, but I didn’t. I’m now back on track and moving again with new focus, confidence and excitement toward the next destination of my journey. Sometimes I still have to say that I really don’t know how this is all going to work out. As a society we are not comfortable with uncertainty, we are better with decisiveness, but not knowing everything is perfectly all right. It has been enough for me to know that where I was and what I was doing was not doing anything to improve quality in any (apart from financial) areas of my life. I am monetarily poorer but spiritually richer today. I have started making better decisions.

It is true to say that I have never been more content for more of the time than I am now. And this is all because I dared to listen to my emotional signals at that train station and make a change; I can honestly say, it is worth it.

Another phrase I would repeat for many years is: “If you keep saying ‘yes’ to everybody else – even when you don’t want to - you are effectively saying ‘no’ to yourself”, I have since changed the application of this to my life and, to paraphrase President Barack Obama, I am now saying to myself “Yes, I can!” to things leading to a positive change for me.

Emotions and their message

I could wax lyrical on each of the 10 negative emotions that are action signals shouting for a change in our lives ... but I’ll try to resist. Instead of taking each one in turn, and blogging at length about my experiences with them, I will, instead, go at this list in two halves. The first one now, the second 5 in a post coming to this space soon. You see, although I am keen to unveil them, I am more interested in getting to the next part of my journey. I want to share more about another group of 10: those are the 10 emotions that have enhanced my life. So with the promise of some joy in the near future I’ll return to my first 5:

1. Uncomfortableness

2. Fear

3. Hurt

4. Anger

5. Frustration

Don’t scream ‘argh’ at the screen and run away. You’re possible thinking that this is the same old, same old. You know it all already. You may well be right and if you are then, unlike me, you won’t need the help to make a change. I knew it all too, but I didn’t do anything about it. Having the knowledge and not using it is as useful as being in a room with an unexploded bomb, a manual to diffuse it and a clock that is ticking away the seconds to the inevitable explosion. It is akin to not facing the reality and running away. I guess if you did evade the reality (like I used to when confronted with an uncomfortable situation i.e. dealing with my emotions properly), then you’ll never really know how to get out of that rut.

Ruts are made deeper and more difficult to escape from when do you don’t do anything different. Time just wears away the prospects of an easy change. If you see something and stay where you are then there is a huge possibility that you will see the same thing again – because you are immobilised. Nothing new and life enhancing will happen if you don’t make a positive change. But worse things can happen to hold you down right where you are if you do nothing in the face of a dangerous situation.

Anyway, back to the list. The message I received when I feel uncomfortable or afraid is that I have to prepare to deal with something; I may not always know exactly what it is, but I do know that it is impending. When I experience the sense of being emotionally hurt I now know it originates from a perception of loss. I remember feeling hurt when I failed at something I had set my heart on and also when my expectations were unmet. I generally only feel hurt with people when I have a real relationship with them, one that has an implied or actual contract of trust and behavioural expectations. It is not often that I tell my deepest thoughts to people (despite the contents of this blog, there are still many aspects of my life that are only revealed in person and after a considerable time) and when I have shared these thought with people, and then, somehow, for some reason, they decide the intimate facts we had shared are for casual consumption, then I do feel hurt. Occasionally I have also felt anger (also on this list) because I have experienced a sense of a violation in my standards and in something important to me. With both the hurt and the anger I have had to search long and hard to discern what within myself I need to change in order to be free from those emotions. There is always something I can, and have, changed that reduces the possibility of feeling the same hurt again. Something that is positive for me. It is amazing that even these situations that start out painful can have a valuable and positive outcome – because they teach me something that helps me to grow.

The frustration (the final emotion on this half of this randomly created list) usually happens to me when I feel hindered or held back in some way. I have learnt that when I am frustrated I either need to become flexible to the situation that caused this emotion to raise its head in my life like the Loch Ness Monster or to change my approach. I am happy to say that both methods have been used with great success. And the monster quickly retreats to the bottom of the Loch. It’s not gone completely; it’s just submerged for a long while. And during that time I will enjoy the respite and focus on the emotions that occur in my life that enhance my life. Because there are many more positive emotions that negative ones I’m glad to say.

I can say that with a smile and a sense of happiness, because it is so true in my life.

Be honest, be kind

... especially to yourself. It is the season of goodwill and people everywhere, even those who do not believe in Christ, are being kind and somewhat considerate to each other. We often forget ourselves at this time. I am not advocating a bout of selfishness, just a dose of honesty and kindness directed at yourself because you are worth it.

I have honestly been reflecting about where I have been and with kindness I have reminded myself about my achievements. Now this is not more self-centred behaviour this is more along the lines of improving self esteem. And as far as I know there are plenty of people in the world that need a small boost to their self esteem. There are always the exceptions to any rule ... but I won’t talk about them right now.

When I write in my journals I do not edit and correct. I just write. They could be described as my stream of consciousness. Through the years I have returned to them and it always amazes me as to where I was and where I am now. You see, sometime I look at my current situation and, it must be said, that occasionally I think I am in not such a good place – this may be emotionally, socially or a whole host of other -lly’s that I could list. Then, when I look back I can see that, although things may not be totally rosy in my garden at that precise moment, I know that I have a garden! I know that I am blessed with beautiful blooms in my life on a daily basis (to take the metaphor just that step further ...).

I have spent time investigating how and why I feel certain things and many of my discoveries somehow became a part of the fabric of my existence. A big eye-opener was looking at emotions and the messages they convey. There are both positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions give me the message that something needs to change; they are an action signal. With all emotions I have learnt that I must somehow identify the signal and work through various steps until I can take action to fulfil the change needed. It is a marvellous achievement when you can be honest with yourself and be kind enough to yourself to listen and act.

As these amazing facts on emotions helped me enormously I think I’ll do a blog on them in the coming days.

That’s all on the condition that I’m not being too honest and kind to myself that I decide I don’t want to write any more (that will never happen!)

As a taster I’ll just say this is what I do:

(when you get your own emotional message you could also try these four steps)

v Identify the signal (I’m going to look at least 10 emotional categories from loneliness to anger)

v Clarify the situation (by this I mean appreciate the message)

v Change ... your state, your perception or your procedure

v Take action

I’ve continually found that when I am honest and kind to myself I become more confident and certain in what I do. I also become excited to take action.

Now, I don’t know of many people that couldn’t do with a touch of the right kind of excitement in their lives, do you?

Time Gentlemen, please!

There is a time ... when you really have to let go.

For good.

There is a (-nother) time

There is a time when the lines on your face, say only one name: the name of the person you miss, the name of the person you love, the name of the person you want to spend this time with - but that person is no longer here.

So your face forms their name in sadness, in loss, and with the intensity of missing them right now.

There is a time

There is a time when everything is shaped for you. My face is shaped to smile at you. My lips are shaped to kiss you and to say your name. My body is shaped to receive you and to share our love.

I miss you.

I really, really miss you.

Like half a circle – incomplete, I am sad without you.

Passion is ... attractive

Laws of Attraction

Feeling attracted to someone can come upon you suddenly. The psychologists say that you decide within a matter of seconds whether or not you are attracted to someone.

It can be a word.

It can be a look.

It can be a picture.

All it takes is a moment of a moment and the process begins.

It may be a mere glance. But with the connection the computer centre of the body feels the pull towards the source of delight. The engines are fired and the wings are unfurled as the heart takes flight towards the goal.

I was not expected anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise as my heart started to beat faster when this attraction grabbed me. I could not focus on the matter in hand. All I wanted to do was to have my attraction verified and reciprocated.

I scanned for any clues that would indicate if this person could sense my attraction and if they had been struck by it too. In the mean time I tried not to be too obvious. I knew my body was betraying me. I could feel every part of my body glowing and the pheromones were firing like the guns on a practice range. Intensity filled the air and I struggled to breathe.

Attraction is beautifully enchanting.

It is always a great feeling of superb and delightful intensity.

Passion is urgency.

Choosing the numbers yourself

When I go shopping I like to think about things. I compare and contrast items. This makes the shopping experience longer for me than for those who generally know what they want, go into the shop, select the first item that basically matches their requirements and then leave satisfied. Quick decisions. General levels of satisfaction.

I can often take weeks to make a decision about what I consider an important purchase. This delay is not procrastination it is thoughtfulness, I think ...

Even after completing the purchase I am sometimes found looking at comparable products to make sure that I really did get the prime item, at the best price, with the absolute finest specification to best match my requirements.

In my work I am proud of my research skills and decision-making, this is because I work with inanimate objects like computers and data.

I have yet to fully transfer these honed skills to my personal life.

It is because of this reflection that I asked myself how is it that when some people are making choices about major things that will affect every day of their lives, for example, homes, jobs, or life partners that they rush the decision? (I have been guilty of this very thing in the past - I’ll hold my hands up to that. Personal experience can be a great teacher!) However, one thing that I do know is that when it comes to a love connection you just know that it’s right (or wrong) if you really listen to yourself. But even with that said I know of at least one choice (and I assure you there are several more to be accountable for) that was so rushed that once I was living the reality of the decision it took me years to get out of it again.

In my personal relationship life I was a late bloomer.

I’m OK with that now. But when I first became fully aware of my ability to be attractive and to attract others (specifically those that I wanted to attract) I also knew that I was about 20 years behind most of the people in my age group. Everything that had gone before was like painting by numbers. I put the brush in the right place, with the correct pigmentation mixed with water and I followed the lines according to the instructions. Although the finished product was passable from a distance as a ‘picture relationship’ I knew that it was not held together with any integrity. Remove the lines and the numbers and the finished product would look like a pre-school child had been given carte blanche to throw paint at a canvas. I even fooled myself at times myself into thinking that the relationships that I was mimicking were the real thing.

Ersatz diamonds, like imitation relationships, do not hold their deception for a long time. The truth will always come out.

But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that I had an option. I had Hobson’s choice.

I decided to take the first one that came along. The first person to show me any real interest. Interest in the real me that I knew existed under the facade of fitting in to normality. Bad decision. I know that now. I knew it not long after I had made it, but nevertheless I stuck with it because I really thought that I didn’t have any other choice at all. I was wrong. But it took me years to acknowledge that. It took me a long while to cease fooling myself and to accept that what I thought was a certainty – no choice – was no true. I had to readjust my outlook and know that even though I would get hurt in the process of disentanglement I would be able to regain new certainties.

Back then I chose too quickly. Thinking that life would pass me by I hurriedly accepted the first plate from the snack bar not knowing that a gourmet menu was also on offer at the finest restaurants just around the corner. A virtual smorgasbord of possibilities is available for each and every one of us. All we need to do is to believe in ourselves and not rush our decisions.

The first option is not always the best – it can be, but it is not always the case. Sometimes it pays dividends to wait and consider the other choices before finalising the deal.

Jobs, houses, life partners. All these aspects of my life need deep and careful consideration because they will affect me every day. I’m not suggesting that we know what the future brings but I am suggesting that we know that the future does bring us more things to choose from as we move toward the broad horizon.

Satisfaction is never guaranteed because we live in an imperfect world. However, taking time to think and consider means that the likelihood of you being more satisfied with your choices will rise exponentially.

It’s like painting your own life with the direction from your own heart rather than by someone else’s numbers.

Fathomless

Grief is personal and fathomless. I've spent 35 years without a mother, and nearly 10 years without a father and still this month of anniversaries makes me very sad even though I'm now 49 and behaving like a sorted adult most of the time :-(