Fashionable me?

I am not a follower of fashion. I have never wondered why because I know that I like what I like, not just what is currently popular with the masses. I have never been a sheep.

When you really think about it anything fashionable is designed to pass away quickly. That is the nature of fashion. One moment it is the ‘must have’, the next it is the ‘has been’. This fact made me wonder why people are so obsessed with something that is so transitory.

My interest in people and things is not a fashion trend. I am in it for the duration.

This means that even when others have lost interest and moved on to the next big thing, I’ll still be there – sticking to what suits me, not being sucked into the current fad of the moment. I will retain friendships that seem unfashionable because a friendship goes beyond fashion. A friendship is real and durable through changing 

fancies or prevailing moods.

I am real and if that means I am seen as unfashionable, then so be it.

Amen.

Can I confirm ... ?

I was looking after household business and called British Gas to ensure that I was getting the best deal possible for my fuel supplies. The woman on the other end of the line, Sarah, sounded as pleasant as anyone can when they are reading from a script that does not allow for individual personalities to shine through.

But then I got all pedantic with her, this Sarah person, in her guise as a customer service representative. She started trying to gain information by stealth: she was misusing – as far as I was concerned – the word ‘confirm’.

Sarah: Can I confirm your date of birth?

Me: (automatically responding) It’s 25^th ... hold on a minute, I don’t think you have it anyway, so how can you get me to confirm it.

Sarah: (Flustered sounds are heard – I’m suspect she was flipping the pages of her script for the next option.) OK. Can I conform your telephone number and email address?

Me: I haven’t shared either of those things with you before so how can I confirm them with you?

Sarah: We just need extra information to verify your identity.

Me: Why didn’t you just ask me for it then, instead of asking for confirmation of something that has never been stated? You can’t confirm something that is not known. You are misusing the word confirm in an attempt to get information without being clear about precisely what you are doing. I think that’s wrong.

Sarah: OK. Ms Morgan. I just need some additional information from you before I can help you with whatever you have called up about this morning. It’s a system requirement.

At this point I already know she’s not going to be very helpful to me in the rest of the call, but I decide to carry on regardless.

Me: I will give you my email address and phone number, however, I will not give you my date of birth. That’s something I don’t think you really need to know.

Sarah: (icily) Thank you, Ms Morgan.

Strangely, after this interaction, the deal I called up about had just finished because of ‘limited availability’ so Sarah was unable to guarantee me a lower fixed price deal for the next few years.

I am left with wondering if my pedantic response to her script conversation will cost me dearly this winter? 

Shall I call her back to confirm this is the case?

Holding back

Some conversations you want to end quickly, others you don’t want to end because it feels like you are talking to yourself, outside of yourself.

Last week I had the opposite type of contact; I wouldn’t really call it a conversation because it does not warrant that label. At the time I wrote down something like this, “Conversations with friends should not feel like entering a trap.” I felt like I was editing my thoughts before I spoke them.

Now I look back, after better conversations, and I remember that when you are comfortable with someone you never feel like saying anything is dangerous.

So you don’t hold back. You share, and they listen because they care. They share, and you listen for the same reason.

There is no holding back with true friendship. The edit button becomes dusty through lack of use.

Be honest with me

Have you ever heard this phrase? Have you ever said it yourself?

It seems to me that people are more dishonest than honest in their dealings with each other when it appears something like a relationship or a friendship is at stake. But that in itself should sound warning bells. What sound relationship was built on lies?

What’s that you say? Most of them?

The phrase “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,” comes to mind as the excuses to justify deception are played out.

Let me think what I mean when I’ve said this phrase to people. I mean I want their opinion, but I still want them to be gentle in the delivery of their words, and maybe, just maybe, I want them to withhold any portion of the truth that may really hurt me.

So, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t really want people to be honest with me when I say, “Be honest with me?” Do I?

Be honest with me ...

When you look ...

When you look at someone you may see all of yourself reflected in their eyes.

When you look at someone you may feel all your weaknesses perfectly matched by their strength.

When you look at someone you may start to understand your journeys.

When you look at someone you may see happiness and desire.

When you look at someone you may recognise your need.

When you look at someone you may see with your heart.

When you look at someone you may really hear their story.

When you look at someone you may see the beginning to the end of the mystery.

When you look at someone you may know what keeps you looking.

When you look at someone you may see more than love.

Honesty lasts for ever

If you’ve ever known love you know that it lasts.

Love cannot be imitated like a badly copied garment.

Love is unique and consistent.

Love is a principle and a feeling.

Love is a raindrop in a dessert.

Love is you.

Love is me.

Love is true.

Love is a smile, a word, a touch. Love has permanence. Love cannot be erased.

Love does not fade with passing days.

The honesty of love lasts forever.

Be honest, be kind

... especially to yourself. It is the season of goodwill and people everywhere, even those who do not believe in Christ, are being kind and somewhat considerate to each other. We often forget ourselves at this time. I am not advocating a bout of selfishness, just a dose of honesty and kindness directed at yourself because you are worth it.

I have honestly been reflecting about where I have been and with kindness I have reminded myself about my achievements. Now this is not more self-centred behaviour this is more along the lines of improving self esteem. And as far as I know there are plenty of people in the world that need a small boost to their self esteem. There are always the exceptions to any rule ... but I won’t talk about them right now.

When I write in my journals I do not edit and correct. I just write. They could be described as my stream of consciousness. Through the years I have returned to them and it always amazes me as to where I was and where I am now. You see, sometime I look at my current situation and, it must be said, that occasionally I think I am in not such a good place – this may be emotionally, socially or a whole host of other -lly’s that I could list. Then, when I look back I can see that, although things may not be totally rosy in my garden at that precise moment, I know that I have a garden! I know that I am blessed with beautiful blooms in my life on a daily basis (to take the metaphor just that step further ...).

I have spent time investigating how and why I feel certain things and many of my discoveries somehow became a part of the fabric of my existence. A big eye-opener was looking at emotions and the messages they convey. There are both positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions give me the message that something needs to change; they are an action signal. With all emotions I have learnt that I must somehow identify the signal and work through various steps until I can take action to fulfil the change needed. It is a marvellous achievement when you can be honest with yourself and be kind enough to yourself to listen and act.

As these amazing facts on emotions helped me enormously I think I’ll do a blog on them in the coming days.

That’s all on the condition that I’m not being too honest and kind to myself that I decide I don’t want to write any more (that will never happen!)

As a taster I’ll just say this is what I do:

(when you get your own emotional message you could also try these four steps)

v Identify the signal (I’m going to look at least 10 emotional categories from loneliness to anger)

v Clarify the situation (by this I mean appreciate the message)

v Change ... your state, your perception or your procedure

v Take action

I’ve continually found that when I am honest and kind to myself I become more confident and certain in what I do. I also become excited to take action.

Now, I don’t know of many people that couldn’t do with a touch of the right kind of excitement in their lives, do you?

Motherhood / hooded mother

Motherhood

It starts a new life

exciting prospects beckon

visions of share laughter

float peacefully with the

scent of love. Always

connected – even when

Apart, the bond is fixed

at conception.

Sunrise brings fresh

opportunities to learn and grow.

Smiles dress them daily

and together they dance through life -

this is what freedom is.

Hooded Mother

It ends her life –

never her choice,

the moment of birth

delivers shackles.

Isolated in her private grief

the numbness invades her marrow.

Thrown daily between stark

awareness and blank existence

she lurches drunkenly

with only solitary fallen comets

to remind her

what freedom was like.

Honest relationships

I don’t like losing people. I don’t like departures from my life, my world. But I know that they will always happen. Sometimes I have to make then happen, and this is the hardest cut of all.

Nevertheless I know that sometimes you have to stop trying to have a relationship with someone because if you persist then that relationship could just be based on a lie that you want to believe.

Relationships based on honesty are those that will last longest.

And … they are not usually difficult because they are open and free.

Weighty issues

My body weight has altered drastically several times in my lifetime.

In my younger days I was extremely physically fit and well toned – I was a sprinter and held the county record for the 100 metres – and since then I have verged from normal weight for my height to very obese, several times.

I decided to at last acknowledge why I ballooned and shrunk with regularity. I decided, yesterday, to tell myself the truth and stop hiding behind the ‘I don’t know’ response or the ‘It’s something medical’ answer that seemed to satisfy most queries.

I know, as I have always known, I guess, that the reason why I changed weight so dramatically was because I needed to be in control of something.

This something was my body.

This something was the amount of food I ate.

This something was how I looked.

This something reflected how I felt on the inside.

I wanted to be unattractive to people because I was unattractive to myself.

I didn’t want to be noticed because of looking good and accomplishing things.

I wanted to disappear.

I wanted my pain to disappear with me.

I could eat in secret.

I was the only one who knew about the extra packets of biscuits and bars of chocolate.

I was the only one who knew about the clandestine visits to the fast food places.

I was the only one who knew how much I disliked myself.

I was trying to destroy myself – because I needed to… or so I thought at the time.

Then … way back then. I didn’t know how to love myself.

Way back then, I didn’t think it was ok to love myself.

Way back then, I was afraid of being myself.

Way back then, I did bad things to myself – through food.

Way back then, I detested all that I was. I lived my life in a daze of food fixes and increasing sadness.

Sometimes I lost weight but then I would slip into the trap of self-loathing and consume too much knowing that I was doing nothing to shift the excess. I was not surprised when my clothes became too tight.

I ignored it and pretended that I didn’t notice.

It was another excuse to slip into depression and withdraw from people.

I was taking back control that I had lost. I was choosing, even though the choices were hurting me most of all.

Before, when I had no love or compassion for myself I allowed myself to do bad things to myself

I didn’t look at myself in the mirror – not really look, for years.

Now when I look in the mirror I see the light and love – for myself – in my own eyes.

Now I try to maintain a healthy weight because it matters, because I matter to myself, because I love myself.

Now I love all that I am, and all that I am becoming.

Now I am free to be me.

Now, right now, I am important to myself … and it feels good.

What weighty issues I have been carrying for too many years.

I have purged myself at last.

Ersatz

Honesty is a rare attribute today. And in line with being honest what I have in mind today is doing a ‘friend audit’. Sounds drastic, unnecessary? Wait and see how you feel in a few moments, then ask the same question …


Do you recall a time when a favourite pair of shoes broke and you had to get a replacement pair quickly, you know, just to do the job for the time being until you got a new pair, a pair that were the same and as good as the old trusted pair?
The comfort of those shoes was beyond question, that’s why they lasted so long.
The new ones are just a substitute. You don’t like them and have no plans to keep wearing them, but they’ll do for now. They’ll do until you discard them for what you really want.

Back to the friends audit …
Are there substitute people in your life today? People you don’t plan to keep, people you are just putting up with until the real person you are looking for shows up (for the first time, or comes back).
Is that a fair way to treat people? Is that their real value in your eyes.


Like the search for chocolate, gold and diamonds, people really do not settle for second best. They keep going until the real deal is present in their lives. You know the taste, feel, touch of the real friend. Don’t settle for any imitations.

Also, don’t allow yourself to be a substitute person in anyone else’s life. However they value you, you know your true worth.

Everything about you is valuable, and should be treated accordingly.

Be real.