Survive and thrive

Trauma is no respecter of gender, creed, ‘race’, sexuality, continent, weather system ... you get my drift? 

When trauma arrives it does not first check any passport or identity document, it is swift and uncompromising in its severity. Trauma sweeps through all real or imagined borders.

It is like being picked up from your everyday life and sucked into the centre of a whirlwind only to be unceremoniously thrown from there and landing in a confused state of mind and body somewhere else. I’d compare it to suddenly awakening in the middle of an Olympic hurdles final in a wheel chair. Flummoxed and confused you reel from side to side trying to regain your balance and negotiate the obstacles in front of you. 

You can see what you ought to do, but the first thought is that everything from thereon in is impossible.

Having been traumatised in the past I know that it is all one can do to try to breathe - much less to figure out how to progress from this moment to the next. Nevertheless, the survival instinct does eventually kick in and you decide to endure. You find or make your own way through. This is when you regain your ability to be extraordinary. This is the first moment of triumph in your new reality. 

I am blessed that I have found many more such moments.

I am now thriving. Following my survival of the traumatic events I bore through the pain and made it to today where I can say “It’s good to survive and thrive”. Doing otherwise was never really an option for very long.

My life is blessed.

I am constantly awed by other people who have also experienced their own traumas and keep on keeping on. People like Beverly Kearney, the track and field coach who suffered severe injury but refused to give in to defeat. I have seen images of her in her hospital bed and trackside in her wheelchair as she coached her team to repeated victories. She never gave up, she too, survived and thrived.

Each one of us faces our own traumas. They may never be the same as mine or Beverly Kearney’s but they are traumatic in each individual life. We can survive and thrive, it all starts with the will to do so. We have to keep on trying.

“And when people ask me ‘how is it that you have succeeded in spite of your obstacles?’ And you know what I tell them? ‘I don’t have a choice.’ I don’t have a choice. Because my hero is my history, and my history is a legacy of people who have triumphed over tragedy, who have succeeded in spite of the oppression. How can I fail because they have taught me failure is not an option.”  

Beverly Kearney

Protective Factors

Most people have an intrinsic desire to live. They have factors in their lives that protect them against taking unnecessary risks and ending up in dangerous situations.

Other people, sadly, are devoid of the protective factors in their lives that guard them against negative acts to themselves or others. This is usually the case when relationships break down, when beliefs about relationships are questioned and the social bonds that hold us together are difficult to hold on to.

This is not just some random anthropological or social theory, this is a reality – to me, and to many others.

When I was decades younger I thought I was always to be denied regular involvement in special peoples’ lives. I believed that routine bonds and relationships were never meant for me. The continuous denial of my reality caused me to seriously think about a negative action in my life.

It wasn’t helped at all by the fact that in my family keeping secrets and denying the truth were regular behaviours. I felt excluded, and I quickly realised that the bond that kept others together, was not part of my makeup.

All the protective factors that I saw easily glide into others’ lives seemed like a rocket ride to the moon far away for me – impossible. Their positives became my living negatives; it really hurt. It was a period of intense anxiety as my personal identity was realised.

As I became more isolated from meaningful family relationships my sense of crisis was deepened. I went undercover in my ownfamily.

While others did not seem at all bothered by the obvious secret, to me it became almost too heavy to bear. I was sorely tempted to throw it off the top of a local hill – without a parachute.

Somehow I found my own social bonds that have become vital protective factors in my life. For these I am eternally grateful. What others may slip into easily, like a birthright, I had to struggle to reach but now it fits like a hand-made glove.

I have relationships that have altered my perspective and given me a deep sense of social meaning and focus. I have my own protective factors in my life and I am bouncing with well-being and happiness.

What matters now?

In wars people reassess what matters to them.

Luxuries are no longer necessities. Clean water, basic food to eat, a place to sleep and someone you care about – these are the things that become all important again.

Some of us may not live in war situations on a daily basis, but I know that sometimes I lose sight of all the things 

that matter because of all the things that clutter my life.

When environments change, the question of everyone’s lips is always ‘What matters now?’

In your life today can you answer the question ‘what matters now?’

In my answer people always come at the top of the list, things are secondary. This matters now.

I don’t need more wars and deaths to know that.

Identity Warrior

Being me means I am an identity warrior!

I have fought for my identity and I’m keeping it. If that means I have to keep on fighting, then I will.

I cannot be someone I am not. I cannot be someone others would prefer me to be.

I can only be the me that I truly am – each day. I may be different each day, but that is me changing myself and growing into my potential.

My life is not a candidate for a TV makeover show. Neither am I looking for a personal shopper that brings ready designed and fitted identities: I have my own identity that is tailor made to fit me, by me.

It is not always a fight each day; I am not a salmon battling upstream. I am not exhausted being me – I love it! The only time I get tired is when others try to change me into the ‘me’ they want to see, only then does it seem like a battle. I am happy being me. Thanks anyway, y’all!

Today I am giving myself a pat on the back for ... being me. I am standing true to myself and I believe in me. Sometimes I forget just how much guts it takes to be myself. Each moment I achieve self-validation I grow stronger in my self belief.

To me (right now) believing in myself is something big and great. That’s how it should always be.

Everybody is Somebody

I found this print in a dusty box at the back of a shop some decades ago. I have carried it with me – in my heart and on my walls – ever since I first saw it. At the moment it is hung besides the mirror in my hallway. I see it each time I leave and return to the house.

I was captivated from the moment I saw it. As the intrigue filled me I decided to discover who the man in the photograph was. After many, many hours of searching I was led to facts that stated this was a Gullah man in America, who had been taken from Africa. The picture told me that despite his difficult existence he still retained pride and belief in himself – that he was indeed Somebody.

This picture is a reminder, lest I forget.

Everybody you meet really is somebody - and there is something special about them.

Each person has dreams, loves, wants, desires, dislikes, regrets, sorrows, and joys. Each person also has their own imperfections; we all make mistakes, we say and do the wrong things sometimes. That is part of our unique being. Even then, we are still somebody.

Some things about a person we will never understand, even when we have known them for years. Other things we do not need to know.

One thing I always try do is to show respect to each person and what they say because they are ... Somebody. Everybody is. Including me.

It's just hell!

When you love something obviously horrible it is usually because that thing is a temporary substitute - a lesser evil, if you will - for something much worse. This could be anything from facing hidden physical and emotional issues to smoking. The loved object (or place) brings a relief that is missing in the other situation. Your mind knows that you always have to return to hell so, as a temporary measure of relief, you focus on enjoying the road to hell instead of remembering hell itself – and, in comparison, it feels just great!

So, how do you leave both degrees of hell behind?

Some things are not as easy to do as just getting up and walking away; if they were we all would have done it many moons before now.

There are many ways to make a change. One way is to do it a step at a time, at your own pace but always in the correct direction: away from hell. Like Lot’s wife you may look back occasionally – I often do because even the terrible things bring some kind of familiar comfort – but you have to keep going. You really have to keep going.

Even in the bleakest of times: the human spirit remains indomitable and in there somewhere is the will to survive and thrive. Each of us has vast untapped resources of courage and strength. We can do it. We deserve to do it.

We deserve the freedom and happiness that really is available to us. We deserve to find something better than hell to love.

I’m doing it.

I’m on my way.

Ersatz

Honesty is a rare attribute today. And in line with being honest what I have in mind today is doing a ‘friend audit’. Sounds drastic, unnecessary? Wait and see how you feel in a few moments, then ask the same question …


Do you recall a time when a favourite pair of shoes broke and you had to get a replacement pair quickly, you know, just to do the job for the time being until you got a new pair, a pair that were the same and as good as the old trusted pair?
The comfort of those shoes was beyond question, that’s why they lasted so long.
The new ones are just a substitute. You don’t like them and have no plans to keep wearing them, but they’ll do for now. They’ll do until you discard them for what you really want.

Back to the friends audit …
Are there substitute people in your life today? People you don’t plan to keep, people you are just putting up with until the real person you are looking for shows up (for the first time, or comes back).
Is that a fair way to treat people? Is that their real value in your eyes.


Like the search for chocolate, gold and diamonds, people really do not settle for second best. They keep going until the real deal is present in their lives. You know the taste, feel, touch of the real friend. Don’t settle for any imitations.

Also, don’t allow yourself to be a substitute person in anyone else’s life. However they value you, you know your true worth.

Everything about you is valuable, and should be treated accordingly.

Be real.