Love is ...

Love is ... in the air.

Love is everywhere – especially today.

Love is different things to different people. But in all of those varying expressions I think love always means some type of connection to someone else.

My vision of love is explained in a word, a touch, or a look. Love is the simplest and most complicated concept I have ever encountered. It is magical. It is mysterious. Yet it is beautifully simple at the same time.

I have been referred to as an enigma, but I am easily understood by those I love and those who love me. To those who don’t believe that love is a basic human right for all people I’d suggest that they have never truly understood the concept of love or been without it. To deny love to people is not an act of love.

My truth about love comes from the most permanent relationship I have ever had – with God. God is love.

That is my template for all love that I experience.

Love is ... in the air.

(It’s even in this stone I found in Cyprus many years ago.)

Waiting

In films you sometimes see the moment of impact before it happens. Everything seems to go in slow motion. 

The knife glints, the bullet flashes and time freezes.

There seem to be moments like that in real life as well. When you are just waiting for something terrible and inevitable to become a fact ... of the present, and then – all too soon, of the past.

What I’ve found is that sometimes you have to wait for things that you don't want to happen. I always found it difficult to manage those moments. While thinking about my journey and others’ current journeys I wondered ‘how are you supposed to manage those moments?' I still don’t have any answers to give; all I have is my deepest love for those who are waiting in pain-lined days.

Like the scene in the film the first pain is expected and semi-prepared for. However, it’s the repeated aftershocks that also cause so much distress.

No one ever feels the same as anyone else when this happens. Each pain is unique. All I can offer is my love and friendship. You alone know how you feel in each moment and when you can reach out for ... anything. So I wanted you to know I am here for you if or when you need me. You remain in my heart, always.

Much love,

M.

The question

There comes a time when I begin to dread the question I feel people are going to ask because I am tired of answering it. You see, they never seem satisfied with my answer and then they want to change my life ... the way they think it should be.

What’s the dreaded question?

It’s simple really. A few words but they cover a whole lifetime of queries.

“How’s your love life?”

Ha!

Do you really mean ‘Am I seeing anybody?’ or ‘Any love interest on the cards’ or ‘Are you really still single?’, ‘What’s going on in your head! Just get somebody. It’s awkward to have a single friend.’

In that split second I have to decide what they really mean and how I will answer. Do I use humour, do I just tell them to mind their own business, or do I change the subject and then walk away?

The answer I want to give is, ‘My love life is ... nothing to do with you. If it was, then you’d already know all about it.’ But I don’t say that.

I usually just laugh and make some comment about them, saying that I will only ever be happy with them as my love interest. It usually causes more laughter because the people asking are always in a relationship.

Strange really.

Maybe I should ask them the same thing.

I don’t think they’d be too keen on answering that in the middle of a party. Who knows? Could lead to a whole different kind of party.

Forever single

Relationship templates are said to be created in the first few years of a child’s life. I know you can change things and make your own choices as you grow up but I wonder how much easier it is to blame your parents when things go wrong.

It may also be the most discrete way to ‘cop out’.

I have considered my own relationship choices and have concluded that I have a propensity towards impossible love options. I set my heart and mind on inaccessible love. I make long distance choices. I seem to purposefully select impractical and impossible matches. I know there are barriers that cannot be surmounted but I launch my grappling iron anyway – knowing it will never hold fast, because that was never my intention or design. I think I want to catch hold but not sure that I want to hold on. So I pull the rope back towards me: it’s not a fluke. I have made love impossible.

I wonder why ...

My belief is that I have come to believe things I saw when I was younger and things I have heard since I have grown.

One friend said to me, when I told her that I was separating from my long-term partner, “You’ll never find someone else as right for you. If you do separate ... you will be forever single.”

Maybe that’s what’s best for me.

Maybe that is what I’m choosing.

Maybe it’s time I rewrote my relationship template ... or I could stay happily forever single.

Friendships and relationships

Is there anything that can be described as an ‘ordinary relationship’? Maybe so, but I have begun to think that most relationships are extra-ordinary in nature.

This is because you start off with some kind of attraction, that phase is swiftly followed by an obsession that is often rooted in infatuation. After this comes the realisation that the person has weaknesses and may also have committed unpardonable deeds. Yet there is still an ultimate acknowledgement that this person has penetrated your soul. This is what makes relationships extraordinary to me.

People I meet and get to know become extremely important to me. They matter beyond normal comprehension. I am not obsessed by them, yet I remain eternally interested and concerned about them.

This is especially the case when something in me that is beyond thought or feeling finds a match within the person I have met. The connection is deeper than reason because it is automatic and mirrored. This is the everyday miracle of friendship that I am happy to never understand, yet I accept it with the utmost joy.

I love them just like I love me.

"When anybody says or does something that echoes in your heart, you should listen." MHM

Who are you?

“Who am I?” Is just as valid a question. If someone who knows you well ever asks you that question then it really is time to stop and think about who you are at that time. 

Why would someone close to you ever have to ask about your identity? This can only occur when you are pretending to be someone you are not. Then you will understand why this person, who knows how you usually act, will be both shocked and amazed that you can behave so differently.

They may gently guide you to a different place or they may have to walk away and leave you alone.

The questions that you need to ask yourself at that time are:
Is this really me?

Was that really me?

Will the next expression really be me?

Sometimes we can get caught up in the tidal wave of behaviour and lose ourselves. If there is a moment of clarity and redirection (whether coming from ourselves or from others) we should seize the chance to change to who we really want to be.

Nobody is continually impressed by people pretending to be who they are not. I’ve found that pretence is not a good basis for building any relationship.

The Body Speaks

Have you ever notice how you react to different situations? Do you think about the literal reality of your response? There is a whole library full of expertise on body language, and it’s there for a good reason, to help us to remember the things we once knew innately.  

As babies we learn to read the expressions on our parents’ faces. We know if they are happy or sad, we know from the touch we receive if we are loved or not. Their bodies speak to our bodies and we learn.

My body has been relearning this beautiful language and it is amazing to know that you can instinctively tell if something is true even when you don’t understand it. This is because your body is affected by the truth.

The action becomes real in you.

It’s a bit like music.

Some people just don’t get jazz. They listen to it, but they don’t feel it. They say that they don’t ‘get’ it.

When you ‘get’ a sense of music it is more than audible, to me it is physical. I can remember hearing particular pieces of music and just feeling that they are parts of my existence. They are real to me; they become part of who I am because they express my reality.

Some psychologists say that in order to encounter music at different dimension of your personality (other than just hearing it), you have to have an openness to experience; it is then that the occurrence of hearing music becomes real to you. You also know it as real.

I am pleased to remain creative, curious and to let my imagination continue to be active as I listen as any body speaks. Then I will get it. I’ll know it’s real.

Here’s looking at you, Kid!

I had an unexpected conversation the other day which reminded me of a two way mirror. The fact is that what we commonly refer to as a two way mirror is really a one way mirror. There is only one side that is illuminated and the other, darkened, side is where the majority of the viewing takes place from.

Someone rang me to get information about a third party: I did not have any to give. This is because the connection between me and this third party had been broken a long time ago. Because the breach occurred a while ago but the innocent caller (Y) had decided to forget what they knew and stay in their own darkened viewing room.

You see, when the third party (called person X, for legal reasons) realised that I was no longer their puppet then their perception of me was destroyed. It was like throwing a brick into the centre of a floor to ceiling mirror: nothing can be the same again.

X took a step too far one day and I stood toe-to-toe instead of backing up as I used to do. At first X didn’t know what to do with my altered behaviour so they increased the pressure (sometimes known as bullying tactics) and I still refused to cave in because I was tired of being wronged without using my voice. The mirror cracked. Simultaneously we had both realised that our images of each other had been wrong.

At the end of this incident I felt that I was left with my pride intact and a new perception of X. Time passed and I did not follow the old script of crawling back for any morsel of conditional love that X would care to throw from the table.

What I found was that once I really started loving myself totally I was less dependent on others for scraps of their affection to make me feel better about myself.

The caller (Y) expressed a sense of anxiety about X’s perceived situation and tried to include me in it. I stepped back and explained that living in a constant state of dread and anticipation of something going wrong no longer suited me (I did not add that it also left me teetering on the edge of rejection and I was never good with heights or falling down).

So, the call ended.

I thought about X,Y and all the Zs... for a very short while. Then I exhaled again and went back to my peaceful place.

The beauty about losing the two way mirror is that I can see clearly for miles now.

Thunderbolts

When you least expect it a thunderbolt can knock you off balance. I am a fairly even tempered person and, although I spend a fair amount of time in reflection, I didn’t understand what was unsettling me until I was casually talking to a friend the other evening. As we easily conversed I mentioned a passing incident that had occurred days ago and then ... thunderbolt! I realised that it had affected me more that I had initially thought.

When I saw someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years I was a little unnerved. For about an hour I was doing things out of coordination and making bizarre decisions. So, I abandoned my plans outside of the home and returned to the safe confines of my comfort zone.

Then I forgot about it. Or so I thought.

But, alas, this non-meeting was not done with wrangling with my emotions just yet. After several days of being too busy to think about it (you know the busyness that you make yourself engage in to stop yourself thinking about real things) I happened upon the real reason for my unsettled demeanour in this peaceful conversation.

Then I acknowledged that seeing my ex had distressed me.

I am not one to hold a grudge but I guess I have to deal with the fact that I have one being held against me. This woman refuses to talk to me or even look at me or my child. On the one occasion we have been within spitting distance she has walked right past us as if we were invisible despite my attempts to smile and be pleasant.

So, when I saw her the other day that knot of anguish built up in my stomach before I had a chance to think. Then I gave control over to the adrenalin and existed in this suspended state for many hours.

The bizarre facts are that all of her family still have contact with me, despite our own non-communication (her choice). Immediately after seeing her I saw her father who has just arrived from overseas for a visit. You can’t fake the joy in the eyes, the smile and the hugs that we shared – it was a surprise to see him and that was like salve to the previous wound of seeing his child and being pointedly ignored.

Each to their own, I think. Somehow we have to learn to live with other people’s choices – they are evidently doing the best for themselves, and that must be a good thing.

Now that I have recognised where and when the thunderbolt arrived in my life I can clear up the collateral damage that I have been experiencing and be ready for the next time ... maybe.

But, as you know thunderbolts don’t come with warnings.

Be honest with me

Have you ever heard this phrase? Have you ever said it yourself?

It seems to me that people are more dishonest than honest in their dealings with each other when it appears something like a relationship or a friendship is at stake. But that in itself should sound warning bells. What sound relationship was built on lies?

What’s that you say? Most of them?

The phrase “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,” comes to mind as the excuses to justify deception are played out.

Let me think what I mean when I’ve said this phrase to people. I mean I want their opinion, but I still want them to be gentle in the delivery of their words, and maybe, just maybe, I want them to withhold any portion of the truth that may really hurt me.

So, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t really want people to be honest with me when I say, “Be honest with me?” Do I?

Be honest with me ...

Never Married? Oh!

I recently overheard these words that were part of an animated conversation. A third party was being described as ‘never married’ and the response came back, “Oh!”

It was this small word that signified so much.

“Oh – she’s a loser!”

“Oh – so she’ll be an old maid.”

“Oh – so no one wanted her, right?”

“Oh – what’s wrong with her?”

“Oh – she must be ugly.”

“Oh – if she is still single there must be some good reason or justification, something that is her fault.”

“Oh – she’s never known love.”

The list of assumptions did not need to be vocalised in this particular occasion as the three people in the conversation knew exactly - as was shown by the solemn acceptance of his response - what he was talking about. His meaning was crystal clear.

The stigma of never being married still persists in the 21^st century. The person passing society’s judgement was not asking why the woman had stayed single, he presumed because ... he could. His presumption was not questioned either.

As the conversation continued I wondered if this man had even paused to think that the woman in question may have chosen to stay single, may be waiting to get married, may be in a committed partnership that is not public knowledge, may be unable to marry ... for legal or political reasons. Or did he just know – taking on the world view that women of a certain age should be married and those that weren’t were somehow drawing unnecessary attention to themselves and their ‘problems’.

As the conversation progressed it became more apparent that he would have been more comfortable if she had been married and then divorced rather than not married at all. This ‘always single’ status made him severely uncomfortable.

“Oh!” he said again. And immediately displaced the woman from the centre of society. She was highly visible because of her difference in status but there was also a need to make her invisible as well. Most societies signify marriage as a contract between a man and a woman that builds family relationships; these relationships are deemed the bedrock of society (just a casual look at statistics will prove this assumption to be based on sinking sand), however, the majority of people still hold on to the idea that all heterosexual marriages bring stability to society and communities as an unassailable truth (again, look at the facts). This woman was painted as a pariah in society - divorcees were more welcomed.

Although he was not talking about me – he could have been. I guess I am one of those women who will never fit in to this man’s world view but that does not mean that I am unhappy with my single status or that I have never had any wonderful relationships.

Never Married? Oh! ... Just because my personal and social status does not fit into this narrow description does not mean that I am any less a person than a married woman, and it especially does not mean that I have never known love ...

Other ‘never married’ women:

Queen Elizabeth I

Mother Teresa

Emily Bronte

Christina Rossetti

Gertrude Bell

Jane Austen

Emily Dickinson

Octavia Butler

Coco (Gabrielle) Chanel

Walnut lives

I am a criminal.

Before you send the boys in blue to my doorstep let me explain what I mean because you’ll probably have to call them to get you as well. You see, you are implicated in my crime; you are an accessory after the fact.

The reason I say this is that crime is never a one-man job. It is an event that affects several lives. Each crime is like cracking open a walnut with a hammer. Every single piece of the walnut has the potential to feel what has happened.

But you may decide that I haven’t committed a crime after all, so there won’t be any need for officials to come and get me and swing lights in my face to extract a confession to my dark deeds. I guess I’d better clarify what a crime is because there are many different definitions of a crime.

Crimes can be seen as acts that are against the law or they are deemed to be acts that are against the moral code. This means that crimes are not fixed in nature. According to some societies things I do daily would be considered a crime. But if I don’t consider them a crime am I guilty? Questionable point I’m sure you’ll agree.

The truth is crime is relative to those defining criminality. Regardless of the source of the definition it is universally agreed that each crime still has a ripple effect.

Back to my criminal activities. I’m sure you want to know how I breach either the national or moral laws. I’ll get to that in a moment ... maybe (now I’ve started to open up I’m not sure I want this to be ‘used in evidence against me!’).

So instead I’ll give an example of another possibly ‘unrelated to me’ crime I think will prove my point.

Here goes: I am aware of adult people who are in love with each other. (OK, you may be wondering where this is leading - just hang on for a few minutes we’ll get there.) These people have been together for many years, they have a home together and they share time with each other. (They may or may not have children.) They have a deep emotional connection and understanding of each other. They support and comfort each other through the highs and lows of daily life. Anyway, this is the scene. Can you see how criminally negligent these two people are?

No?

OK. I’ll give you another example to clarify it somewhat.

I am aware of adult people who are in love with each other. (Are you wondering if this is duplicated from above? Well spotted, Sherlock.) These people have been together for many years, they have a home together and they share time with each other. (They may or may not have children.) They have a deep emotional connection and understanding of each other. They support and comfort each other through the highs and lows of daily life. Anyway, this is the scene. Can you see how criminally negligent these two people are?

Again you answer no. Given the evidence I am not surprised by your response.

The situations are the same but one couple is deemed criminal because they are the same. Two women who love each other or two men who love each other. These people (let’s not forget that they are loving each other, being each other’s companion, friend and confidant) have been judged to be breaking a moral or national law because of their innate capacity to love another adult human being.

One couple in my identical examples is commended for its ability to love, the other couple is condemned. This is where the crime exists I think, not in the love but in blindness in the face of reason and facts.

And if I was on any jury selected to rule on either of these cases I would have to cast my vote in favour of allowing both couples to live their lives of love in peace.

Alas (or rather I should say, fortunately), I am not the one doing any judging on the freedom of love.

It’s at times like this that I think ‘would the decision be the same if the situation was reversed’? Would the outcome be the same if the people making the judgement were the majority instead of the minority?

Those who are morally branded criminals because of their love are constantly under the same stress as the innocent walnut; it is just a walnut, that’s its nature.

However, the external pressure of society breaks through the shell of the walnut as if it had been bashed with a hammer. The pieces fly in all directions and some bits are damaged beyond repair. For the pieces that do survive they have to exist in a angst filled environment, never knowing what is going to happen next. The person doing the damage is also affected by their actions of condemnation and attempted destruction. The ripples of this crime will continue to flow outwards.

This may be a familiar or alien example to you. However, I’m sure you can think of a situation in your own life when you feel intensely under pressure and, although you are right in what you are doing others may make you feel as if you are wrong. This always causes stress.

So, I’m suggesting that one of the things you can do when the stress of being a cracked walnut makes your life break into fragments that ... you actually eat walnuts. Walnuts really help to relieve stress despite the pressure they are put under. Then you can just continue being yourself and I believe you will prove to be the greatest benefit to yourself and others at this time. You see, no matter what state they are in walnuts always give benefits.

It is my opinion that just because someone calls you a criminal doesn’t make it true.: especially where love is concerned.

But according to some definitions I am a criminal because I believe in allowing people to love each other naturally. Bring on the handcuffs ...

It's natural ...

I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that what I was feeling wasn’t right. I had many people tell me that same fact. I tried to believe they were right because it would make things easier – for them. But ... my feelings never went away. I still feel the same. After all this time of trying to bury my feelings, deny or change them I still feel exactly the same.

I eventually got to the point where I started allow myself to realise that my feelings are natural. So, here today I can proudly proclaim ‘I love you,’ no matter what others tell me about unsuitability. I can declare my love for you because I am also able to love myself and I want what's best for me.

After all, it’s only natural for me.

An excerpt from a manual for love and life

I had a conversation with one of my sisters this evening. As we chatted about life and love in general we started to get to specifics, as you do. As the exchange of ideas continued she shared with me some advice that she had recently heard from another family member. They had also been talking about love and life; these seem to be popular combined topics lately.

Anyway, back to the advice ... my sister said she was told that, if one was considering entering into any kind of intimate contact with someone else, but at the same time not wanting to get hurt, then the wise thing to do was to “put a veil over your heart”.

When she said this to me we both chortled at the same time. Our laughter was for different reasons. As my sister went on to explain the advice she had heard was said as if as a means of protection. To me it seemed like the general consensus was that any potential friendship or relationship was fraught with real dangers akin to going onto a battlefield without the correct armour, and the veil to cover your heart was essential to protect against inevitable damage.

The final question that was asked of the original speaker was “what if your veil slips?”

What indeed happens if you are so busy protecting yourself against possible dangers on all sides that your defences fail and you become exposed ... to love and life.

What do you do then?

Do you cover your heart back up with the alacrity of a seasoned magician before anyone but yourself has noticed that you were exposed, or do you allow yourself to live life and adore love ... just for a refreshing change?

It really made me think about whether living behind a veil of emotions is a really a good way to live.

Baggage

When travelling we pack our bags and take our luggage with us. The light and easy items we take with us into the body of the plane. This is our hand luggage. However, if we have large amounts of things they go into the hold, often thrown in - sometimes without the slightest modicum of care - by the baggage handlers (but that is another story I’m sure everyone has a tale to tell on that score). We are always moving with something as we travel through life. Something from the past constantly accompanies us as we move forward to the next destination. Be it in the overhead compartment, within easy reach, or in the hold, for retrieval at a later stage, our stuff goes with us.

Sheryl Crow said earlier this month “hey, at my age, [she’s 48] everyone comes with baggage. It’s the baggage that makes it interesting.”

Marie Claire readers have been told that baggage is emotional turmoil caused by some issue in a person’s past. This baggage can pressurise or damage a relationship from the start, so says the wisdom of the Rich Santos writing about sex and the single guy in this magazine. Rich Santos describes many types of baggage such as the ‘white whale baggage’ (Moby Dick reference), the ‘family baggage’ (obviously related to family issues), and the catch all type ‘mystery baggage’. This final grouping is for when you are not sure how to define the irrational behaviour that you are experiencing in your relationship partner. When this type of baggage is foremost in the relationship the advice is that it is easier to dismiss the person and move on because they “have too much baggage.”

Sheryl Crow says that being a 48 year old single mother of two children is seen by some people as a lot of baggage – I see it as a mother with two children: that’s it, nothing else. But then I would say that as a single mother of a similar age with one child, wouldn’t I? I don’t see the single status as baggage, I don’t see parenthood as baggage, and I definitely don’t see children as baggage. I know some people prefer to have less complicated relationships without children involved, but hey, they are part and parcel of people’s lives. To me there is no option not to have them: they are already there. Just like there is no option that people have their own life experiences and memories (aka baggage), just like there is no option that people have their personal relationship history (also known as baggage). What may simply have been defined as personal history in an earlier part of life suddenly, after the age of thirty becomes described as baggage. How strange.

Baggage, as it is commonly known, is not optional in life or relationships. Baggage is part of the tapestry of life. Baggage is life.

I have a family history, I have an emotional history, I have a child, I have life. These things about me are not optional. What I have is not “too much baggage” it is life. However others may view us, I know that we are not baggage.

My Village Green

Welcome to my garden fence ...

Although this space is limited in some aspects – for example, we can’t lend sugar over this virtual garden fence - we can lend advice, links, share photos and find out about each other’s health; in this space we have different capabilities.

Before the technological age took us away from our small communities we had much more communication with other people – from our family to our friends and even strangers,

This garden fence can also help us to indulge in the great British obsession of talking about the weather ... or least knowing what the weather is like in each “garden” that we inhabit or visit.

We need this garden fence to keep in touch with each other. This has become our social lifeline and to some people it is essential to their psychological and social well-being. It is an important and valuable therapeutic activity to link us to each other. Without the contact that we gain from using our internet and text “garden fences” we could become isolated and totally lose our sense of belonging to any type of community.

Facebook, as a primary social networking site, is akin to the old village-green. Here is the place that we have those casual conversations and we can do a quick catch up on what’s going on with each other on our way to another place. Like the pubs and cafes in soap-operas Facebook is the place where we get up-to-date on gossip.

Gossip is not a bad thing - it is healthy for us to share. In this modern technological way we can become firmly joined to our new and virtual village; this contact restores our sense of community and gives us that vital connection to others. It can help to relieve the pressures of life and the sense of isolation. In the 21^st century our lives are moving as fast as the technology that we use and therefore we can become socially isolated as we strive to exist in an increasingly fragmented society.

The use of texts and the social-networking sites have extended the contact from the garden fence to the worldwide village-green.

I like to pass through every so often and it’s nice to share some time here with you. I’ll see you again soon.

Separation anxiety

The early departure of a parent is a loss that can never be regained. This departure can take many forms. The parent may die, or leave the family home to be on their own, or join another family. It may be the children who are the ones who are forced to leave – they may be taken away from their parents – and when you are a child who is separated from that regular figure you may well keep asking “What did I do wrong?” , “Was I to blame?”, “Is it my fault?”. This doubt can haunt a child throughout their life if they are not answered with honesty and love at the time.

However the loss occurs, the children that have been separated from their parent will experience a vacuum that can never quite be filled in. There are some good fitting substitutes but nothing is quite the same as that original parent. The loss of constancy may haunt a person throughout their life. The need to avoid commitment because of a fear of repetition of the separation may be a paramount – even if it is not acknowledged.

Sadly, this is reality for so many people.

Happily, many people also manage to live full and content lives even if they have had an early break in their family unit. This does not mean that they will not experience quiet and sad moments, but it does mean that they are doing their best with the life they have been blessed with.

Everyone’s road is different but we may overlap at times. It is on these occasions that we need to be our gentlest with each other.

The heart is strong ... yet fragile. Handle with care.

Honest relationships

I don’t like losing people. I don’t like departures from my life, my world. But I know that they will always happen. Sometimes I have to make then happen, and this is the hardest cut of all.

Nevertheless I know that sometimes you have to stop trying to have a relationship with someone because if you persist then that relationship could just be based on a lie that you want to believe.

Relationships based on honesty are those that will last longest.

And … they are not usually difficult because they are open and free.

Trees and friendship

One day, in the very recent past, I had arranged to meet my friend. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time and although we had been in touch through the magic of text messages and emails, it wasn’t quite the same as being in the same space at the same time.

The morning arrived and I planned my activities so that I could get there at the agreed time. When I next looked at the clock I realised that I would be late, again. I hurriedly finished the task in hand and rushed to get ready. While I was doing this I realised that I should have been driving into the car park where we’d agreed to meet. Instead I was running around the house throwing a few essential things into a bag.

I was late, so I called to say that I would be there soon.

My friend said that she had just arrived herself, but would wander around for a bit while she waited for me. I felt bad to have left her waiting.

When I eventually arrived, nearly quarter of an hour late, she greeted me with her brilliant smile and I knew I was forgiven.

As we walked and talked together I realised that to me our friendship is like being on my own with my thoughts when I am having a good day. With her I can just think, act, speak and do as I please without any fear of censure. She gives me the joy of peace and makes me feel safe.

The time together passed so quickly and smoothly.

It was a beautiful morning walk and it is the most beautiful friendship.

I celebrate my friends.

They are like this tree that I saw on our walk that day.

Friends grow in all directions. They change as they mature. They alter with the seasons of their lives as they are adapting to their situations. However, they are always present in some way in my life. Trees may grow bigger, stronger, taller, and sometimes weaker. They come in all shapes and sizes and they blossom at different times but they are all beautiful. The friends that I have been blessed with are firmly rooted in my life. Like the root system of most trees our contact is very wide and it extends a long way. However, just because we all may have big trees in our lives doesn’t mean that we have no more space for new trees. There is always room for more saplings to join the orchard of friendship.

I am glad that I have such great tree friends in my life.

Releasing control

I like to plan things. I do this because I like to know what’s happening.

If I’m in control then if anything goes wrong the only person I will be disappointed in is me… and I can deal with that.

So it came as a bit of a surprise to me the other day when I text a few friends and said I had a free evening and did they want to do something, anything they could think of. Of course, as soon as I’d sent the texts I began to regret it and thought of immediately inventing a text delete or rewind button to retrieve sent text from cyberspace.

‘Ah well …’ I thought, ‘let’s just see who gets back in touch.’

I had released some of my control and it felt strange for a while. My mind started making plans about how I’d get out of this rash decision making moment. Was it panic that came and settled on my shoulders making my muscles tense? Maybe it was the unfamiliar fear of letting someone else look into my mind and be in touch with my feelings.

I have had times in the past when I felt that I was too quick to trust people, I experienced deep disappointments and then I learnt to trust only myself. But eventually that leads to loneliness. Even when I was surrounded by groups of people I knew that I was standing alone. I only had faith in myself. I somehow comforted myself that that was the best position to be in. It wasn’t.

Having the strength to believe in the goodness of others is not hard. People really do want to know each other and be known.

I clearly remember the first person who asked me to do something for them and without hesitation I said yes. My dear friend said ‘Marj, can you do me a favour?’

She didn’t say what it was or give me any further details about who, when, where, what or why but I knew that because she had asked and because I trusted her that there was not danger in the request. I knew her. I believed in her goodness. I knew her goodness would not mean anything negative for me. So I went ahead without fear.

I think that after disappointments we learn to protect ourselves sometimes we close down our lines of communication and trust in order to heal the injury. What this weekend has highlighted to me is that after an emotional injury you have to learn to have faith in people again just like a baby learning to walk. You have to take small steps until the faith and trust muscles are strong enough to take you through the unknown.

Exercising trust builds good muscles. Control muscles, like everything else, needs balance. These work great together. Fear of letting go can cause intense social cramps. Working the combined faith and trust muscles gives me increased flexibility and wonderful experiences.

I had several replies to my texts. All very bright. People were busy, working or had other arrangements planned but they wanted to do something with me as soon as we were both free. I smiled. That alone was worth the risk of sending the texts. Although I was not going out with them as I had hoped, I was still happy.

Then I got an unexpected call. And from there my whole weekend changed.

I have been learning again.

I have trusted myself to make good decisions.

I have been working my ‘faith in others’ muscles.

I ended up having a spectacular weekend and I don’t feel as if I’ve lost anything by not being in control all the time.

The release and the pleasure that I gained from having faith in someone else gave me a brilliant feeling of satisfaction and peace.

It didn’t really matter whether it all turned out marvellously or not - but on this occasion it did - the point that I learned again was that I cannot trust someone or something until I’ve given them the chance to prove themselves trustworthy. For me, this weekend, trust has meant giving up control and relying on something or someone other than me.

It was fun and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I released control and got stronger at the same time.

It’s all good.