Peace

I realised that I was inhabiting a beautiful peace as I stood with my head rested on the doorpost from the living room to the hallway. I didn’t have anything to do or anywhere to go. I was captured in that beautiful moment.

I looked at the shaft of autumnal sunlight as it streamed through the round window and threw a long shadow of joy on the wall in front of me. Somehow I felt the light enter into my heart and it was a perfect match for the light on the wall in front of me.

All I could do was to smile and say, “How lovely.”

Sense of humour

Sometimes people say to me ‘Cheer up. You look so sad.’ Other times I am commended on the speed of my witty repartee and winning smile. It all depends on the circumstances.

But one fact remains ... You’ve got to have a sense of humour when you do the job I do... being alive! It’s the people I meet that make it necessary, you see. Without a dose of humour I’d constantly be given ‘pep talks’.

I am happy. Sometimes people just can’t see it because it’s so deep.

I would say ‘Look a little closer’ but I don’t know you that well ... do I?

Unexpected catches

The sun was shining, the windows were wide open and we were driving along the road when all of a sudden I saw a single leaf being tossed and blown ahead of me. It was high up but was falling as we got closer.

Some madness in me made me stick my hard out of the window and reach for it as we approached the spot. I caught it!

Laughing out loud I pulled my hand back into the car as I looked with amazement at the leaf in my hand.

I never really believed I would touch it, but there it was, in my hand.

My smile lasted for ages. We released the autumn leaf back into the light breeze as we continued down the road. A wish for more happiness on our lips.

I realised that that was a marvellous and unexpected catch.

While on a walk later that same day my eye caught something else falling from the sky. Again I reached up and a single white feather landed in my hand. More laughter followed at my good fortune.

Sometimes life is festooned with unexpected pleasures and opportunities. I’ve found that I just need to look out for them and be ready to catch them. It’s all good!

Multi-layered joy

Some weeks ago I was thinking about someone and I sent them a message wishing them ‘multi-layered joy’ for that particular weekend. This was because I wanted them to be happy at all levels of their existence at that time.

Since then I have also received wished in multiples. I have been wished a “multi-layered, multi-tasking, multi-tremendous week ...” I have obtained this many times over.

It is my wish at this time to share this multi-layered joy with you. I hope that everything you do, think and experience from this day forward is enriched with a portion of multi-layered happiness.

Remain blessed.

Smile a while

Imagine the scene: I’m in Marks & Spencer standing in a queue minding my own business when I suddenly glance up and my heart leaps with joy. Before I know what I am doing I call out the name of a friend who is in a different queue some distance away from me.

I hadn’t seen her for ages and we’ve been planning to meet up for almost as long and there she is. Just doing the same as me: minding her own business in a M & S queue.

Upon hearing her name and, presumably my voice saying it, she turns around and her face is already wreathed in a huge smile as we start to move towards each other.  We have left our places oblivious to the stares of those around us. Our smiles bounce off every surface. We hug with familiarity and comfort in the middle of the shop. We are alone in our bubble of happiness.

Making arrangements to meet the following day we share yet more smiles and hugs before going our separate ways.

“My week just keeps getting better and better,” I told her as we said goodbye.

I was smiling all the way back to the car and for hours later. This was not just a crinkle of the lips but a broad smile that could also be described as a grin. Just meeting my wonderful friend L so unexpectedly made me bubble with joy.

I had a fantastic cause to smile for a while.

Acting at happiness

I used to act at being happy for a long time.

I didn’t know how to handle my sadness, so I just mimicked the happiness I perceived or believed was around me.

I sold myself the lie that busyness was the same as happiness.

It may not surprise you that the packaging of this untruth (as my father used to say) was unable to hold the sadness at bay.

There is always a crack. The real feeling comes seeping through. And all at once the happiness facade is like a broken window.

Now, I do have sad moments, but I have more happiness than I ever dreamed possible.

I know this is the truth for several reasons.

One of them is a simple thing. It is the look of peace on my face when I go to bed each night. As I leave the bathroom and reach for the light switch I have recently seen such serenity that I send a smile to my reflection’s heart.

I am happy. It shows.

How much time?

When baking a cake, well, at least when following a recipe, there are details laid out for all the ingredients and two very important time indicators: one is the preparation time and the other is the baking time.

I think they should add other timings to these recipes when you add the extra ingredient of children. This thought came to me as I was stood at the kitchen sink doing something that is not included in the schedule: clearing up time.

This particular time seemed to be longer than the other noted times I had read. But then I remember the happiness on the girls’ faces while they were mixing and measuring the ingredients. And then I thought to myself (with elbows deep in washing up liquid) how much time does it take to make children happy?

I completed my task with a bigger smile as they sat eating their own freshly baked toffee pudding dessert.

The time didn’t seem long at all then.

Unbidden tears

In the grand scheme of things I have so many things to feel happy about – and I do, however, right now, in this moment I feel incredibly sad.

It’s the little things that trigger it.

If I were to recount them you may shake your head in disbelief or even laugh at my attention to seemingly futile things. But, in this minute, they are not minor.

I’ll share two of my recent triggers to sadness. I was sharing a neighbour’s birthday celebrations and she has been the most wonderful and kind woman to my son and I over the years, then I found myself in floods of tears (much as I am while I am writing this). Mrs H is now 83 years old. She reminds me of the quiet but strong matriarch of an Italian dynasty. She lives alone across the street from me, well that is the theory – her children, grandchildren and hordes of relatives are constantly visiting, staying over and looking after her.

Well, this woman, with a multitude of her own family has taken a shine to my son, and every birthday (they share the same week) there is an exchange of gifts. Also, when Mrs H goes on her family holidays around the world she always brings a special present back for Morgan. She is so kind and lovely.

I have thanked her endlessly for her thoughtfulness and generosity. As the head of such a large, also generous, family I realised she has everything she could possibly need – she has repeatedly told me this as well. So I decided to write her a letter instead of just signing the usual birthday card with a few platitudes.

This is when I first started crying uncontrollably.

I wasn’t writing anything sad, on the contrary I was remembering her kindness over the past decade and more. I managed to prevent the tears splashing on the paper and smudging the ink but I still had red eyes when I went to deliver it with her box of chocolates (her one indulgence).

Writing that letter took me way beyond this street and Mrs H’s kindness. That’s why I cried.

Then later on in the same day there was a minor accident. There was no bloodshed or bones broken. What happened was a key ring got trapped in the door and smashed my heather fob. It’s true, nobody died. I’ve just had it as a treasured gift for these past four years and I was used to it, it meant a lot to me. It’s just Scottish heather and there’s plenty more where it came from but it still made me a little sad.



So there you have it. Writing letters and missing Scottish mementos can make me cry. Who’d have thought?!

Convincers

Scene 1:

The small voice whispered in her ear, “Are you convinced now?” The evidence was laid bare in front of her, there was no doubt. But still, as she looked away and caught her image in the mirror, she could see that there in her eyes were threads of the dream she had held on to for too long.

“But...” she haltingly tried to put her thoughts together, “but, what if ...?” She knew that it was no use. She was convinced but still did not accept the truth.

Suddenly she felt as if her feet were leaving the ground. She began to float. Trying to grasp on to concrete reality she had a last thought before she soared into oblivion, “Is this madness or hope?”

Scene 2:

The pain is terrible. The patient wakes up as the anaesthetic wears off. The bandages are covering her body. She winces as she tries to turn but cannot move. So she settles back and grimaces through the pain. It does not go away. She drifts back into a disturbed sleep.

(Flash forwards) It is one summer’s day a few years later that she looks at that day of awakening with a different point of view. The scars have all but disappeared. She remembers it all but does not feel the pain any more. It is only when she remembers the sickness she inhabited that can she say, “I had to go through that to get to this.” She smiles with understanding and contentment.

I approve of laughing!

Who doesn’t? You may well ask.

Laughing is the sound of approval and appreciation; it is an audible thumbs up.

I think it’s OK to laugh at yourself (not to denigrate – that’s not included here, this is healthy laughing) so that you acknowledge positive things that happen to you. When I laugh I feel pleasant, I am reflecting pleasure. Some moments of happiness are best expressed by that spontaneous explosion of feeling that is laughter.

It is said (in those reliable studies that we always read about) that children laugh, on average, about 400 times a day and adults laugh less than 20 times a day. Even with this great disparity I’m sure that some people will still find it difficult to get above 10 laughs in each day.

Why is this? Surely there must be more than 20 happy moments in any person’s day.

Have you laughed above the expected quota today?

As for me ... I’m not telling.

But only because I tried to number my laughter moments and happy emotional interludes for today but, wonderfully, I lost count because I had so many laughing moments!

Peaceful face

I have discerned that when you have peaceful thoughts they show on your face. People have said to me how calm I look at times. Other people have said that I should smile more. Obviously at these different times my thoughts are at opposite ends of the relaxation spectrum.

This evening, when I passed a mirror I glanced at myself and I saw that peaceful face. I was thinking about something wonderful and it appeared on my face.

I know I am one of those strange people who have faith in what others deem impossible. When I think on these things that gives me a peaceful face.

Same but different

Isn’t it strange that the same thing can cause different reactions in you at different times?

Take for example families.

A few weeks ago I heard a comment from a family member that came as a complete surprise to me. It was totally unexpected and mind-blowing at the same time.

It was the most inclusive and positive comment I had heard from that quarter in over two decades. That time scale alone shows you how much it meant to me.

Then ... there was this other communication with my family that was such a strain that I almost wept from the sad intensity of it all.

On one hand families can unexpectedly warm your heart and then, on the other hand, the tension loaded words from another avenue in the same area can shatter your dreams into a million pieces.

This can happen in birth families, work families or church families. It’s the same thing, but different.

Jigsaw

Friends are like jigsaw puzzles – they just fit together, naturally.

Eat, drink and be merry

When you are offered food choices from all corners of the world what do you do? Well, try them all of course, bit by bit (or should that be bite by bite?)!

Let's get started ...

Mmm, this looks good enough to eat - all in one mouthful!

Who me? Eat all that dessert? Nothing to do with me... tra la la la lah!

A good time was had by all ... even though they (accidentally) tried to charge me 10 times the real cost of the meal!

Another look at friendship

Friends have a way of making you feel like you are in the middle of a summer’s day walk in the country.

When a friend looks at you there is a smile in their eyes even when no words are spoken.

Sharing time with a friend is knowing that you are understood or that you soon will be understood because they will take the time to listen to your real voice.

Friendship is looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes and being well pleased with what you see.

It’s always a good time to have another look at friendship.

Balloons and hammers

I am happy.

People may say that it’s easy to talk about forgiveness when you have had a happy life and an idyllic childhood. That may be true. I have had happiness in my life and parts of my childhood were idyllic. But not all of it.

And it’s the bits that were far from beautiful that I am thinking about when I talk about forgiveness. I have been hurt – intentionally, and it is not pleasant. But it has passed and is now in my past. I have to forgive.

In certain instances I have also had to confront the issues and people head on before I could forgive and move on. What works for me may not always work for you.

However, one thing that I do know is that when you forgive and let go you are lighter. The animosity that lines your life is stripped away like steaming layers of old bumpy wallpaper off to reveal clear smooth walls. Forgiveness is a gift to self because it is cleansing. Some people may never know that you have forgiven them; if this is your choice then it is enough for you to know and feel the weight dropping off. I have also chosen to forgive and keep silent about it. Both ways have worked well for me.

To me forgiveness is like throwing the sandbags over the edge of a gas-fired hot air balloon and being free to soar to new heights. The things that once weighed me down I have thrown them overboard from my life so that I can gain new heights. When things in my life were bumpy it took me some time to see that to move to the next level I needed to let go – I was being pulled across rocks and rough ground because I held on to the hurt. I felt it was deep hurt that I could never let go – but I could and now I have.

In athletic competition a hammer thrower will step into the throwing circle and using all their strength they will manoeuvre the hammer around and around their body until they get to the point where it is no longer sensible to hold on – they just have to let go. With a final twist and lift they shift the weight, contorting the body until the pressure has reached it maximum point, then they will wind it through that final movement before they exhale and release the hammer into the sky.

Bend, lift, and twist.

Release.

At the moment of release all the effort of holding on is transferred into the hammer and with gusto it flies away, over the shoulder, into the distance. Arms are outstretched, toes are pointed. All the bending and twisting of holding on to the hammer has finished. Often the moment of release is accompanied by a shout of accomplishment: the goal in that intense moment has been achieved. Forgiveness is a hammer thrown into the depths of oblivion - into the past; forgiveness, like the hammer thrower’s effort, is a job well done.

Then the thrower walks out of the circle the opposite way from the thrown hammer. I too walk away from the pain that I have discarded when I threw it skywards with forgiveness.

What makes you happy?

Simple question - what makes you happy?

Now look at the question, hear the question, feel it and then answer it to yourself and for yourself.

The way to do it is to realise that those four words are about you and your happiness.

Those words are not about what other people say makes them happy.

The question is not about what society measures happiness by. Happiness can be measured by material success but the financially wealthiest people on this planet all say that it is not the things that they have that makes them happy, it is something quite different.

Their happiness is unique to them.

Your happiness is unique to you.

My happiness is unique to me.

There is an area of research called positive psychology that has investigated the means to happiness and one set of global findings have concluded that happiness falls broadly into three groups, a) being comfortable with who we are b) relationships with family, friends and colleagues and c) being able to make a contribution. We all want to have a sense of purpose and meaning in life.

What is your purpose and meaning? What makes you happy?

Find it. Do it. Live it.

Be happy.

(Although writing makes me happy, I know I really should find some time to sleep as well! All this staying up into the middle of the night is really not the healthiest way to live ... I need to regain some balance to enjoy my happy state all the more. I’m off to sleep now. Hope you are happy!)

Releasing control

I like to plan things. I do this because I like to know what’s happening.

If I’m in control then if anything goes wrong the only person I will be disappointed in is me… and I can deal with that.

So it came as a bit of a surprise to me the other day when I text a few friends and said I had a free evening and did they want to do something, anything they could think of. Of course, as soon as I’d sent the texts I began to regret it and thought of immediately inventing a text delete or rewind button to retrieve sent text from cyberspace.

‘Ah well …’ I thought, ‘let’s just see who gets back in touch.’

I had released some of my control and it felt strange for a while. My mind started making plans about how I’d get out of this rash decision making moment. Was it panic that came and settled on my shoulders making my muscles tense? Maybe it was the unfamiliar fear of letting someone else look into my mind and be in touch with my feelings.

I have had times in the past when I felt that I was too quick to trust people, I experienced deep disappointments and then I learnt to trust only myself. But eventually that leads to loneliness. Even when I was surrounded by groups of people I knew that I was standing alone. I only had faith in myself. I somehow comforted myself that that was the best position to be in. It wasn’t.

Having the strength to believe in the goodness of others is not hard. People really do want to know each other and be known.

I clearly remember the first person who asked me to do something for them and without hesitation I said yes. My dear friend said ‘Marj, can you do me a favour?’

She didn’t say what it was or give me any further details about who, when, where, what or why but I knew that because she had asked and because I trusted her that there was not danger in the request. I knew her. I believed in her goodness. I knew her goodness would not mean anything negative for me. So I went ahead without fear.

I think that after disappointments we learn to protect ourselves sometimes we close down our lines of communication and trust in order to heal the injury. What this weekend has highlighted to me is that after an emotional injury you have to learn to have faith in people again just like a baby learning to walk. You have to take small steps until the faith and trust muscles are strong enough to take you through the unknown.

Exercising trust builds good muscles. Control muscles, like everything else, needs balance. These work great together. Fear of letting go can cause intense social cramps. Working the combined faith and trust muscles gives me increased flexibility and wonderful experiences.

I had several replies to my texts. All very bright. People were busy, working or had other arrangements planned but they wanted to do something with me as soon as we were both free. I smiled. That alone was worth the risk of sending the texts. Although I was not going out with them as I had hoped, I was still happy.

Then I got an unexpected call. And from there my whole weekend changed.

I have been learning again.

I have trusted myself to make good decisions.

I have been working my ‘faith in others’ muscles.

I ended up having a spectacular weekend and I don’t feel as if I’ve lost anything by not being in control all the time.

The release and the pleasure that I gained from having faith in someone else gave me a brilliant feeling of satisfaction and peace.

It didn’t really matter whether it all turned out marvellously or not - but on this occasion it did - the point that I learned again was that I cannot trust someone or something until I’ve given them the chance to prove themselves trustworthy. For me, this weekend, trust has meant giving up control and relying on something or someone other than me.

It was fun and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.

I released control and got stronger at the same time.

It’s all good.

Ebbs and flows

A river is said to ebb and flow.

It goes backwards and forwards.

So it is with my life sometimes. There is a decline in my emotional state followed or preceded by an emotional high – a forward motion. I often experience a seesaw effect.

There are many positive times, when the river is flowing, when it is present, when all is right with the world. The sun is shining – even in the winter, and the birds are singing cheerful songs outside my window as I snuggle up to the warmth inside.

And then there is the season of the ebb, the decline, the absence, when hope seems to have flowed away with the tide. At these times all I am aware of, all I am conscious of is the uncomfortable rocks, stones and pebbles at the bottom of the riverbed that I feel on the soles of my bare feet.

It is tempting to remember the ebbs in my life more than the flow as when I am in the drought it seems more pronounced. When I am visited by the reality of a lack in my life I stop and think. Sadness often accompanies these thoughts as my heart becomes thirsty for whatever it is I am missing at the time. This is usually the company of a particular person. A person who no longer features in my life in the way I wish they did. At times like this I either go into myself or reach out to friends.

© Marjorie H Morgan

I fight against my own internal tide. It is often hard to make myself reach out when I feel vulnerable, but I am learning to do so. It has proved to be better for me to talk to someone when I feel low. Failing communicating my feelings to a friend, sometimes accompanied by tears and halting sentences, I will find another activity to take my mind of the subject. I know that dwelling on that dry area, that past area, of my life will not bring forth fruit for me in my present presence so I make a resolution:

right now I grasp the weakness in me and send it out to sea.

If I stay with my sad memories I am allowing the matters that I am pondering to become a major part of my internal life. By constantly including the sadness in my thoughts I am giving it the ability to change me. It’s never easy, but it does get less painful with time. Even where I am now, how I feel today, I never thought that I’d reach this position when I first stood in the dry riverbed with only my tears for company. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel I am moving in the right direction. A positive healthy destination for me.

When my life has swung towards the ebbing times I have reached back into my memory for an occasion when I felt presence not absence. A time when I was conscious of happiness in the ordinary things of everyday life. I reach into my immense sea of happy memories and reflect the blissful moments that I have experienced …and there are so many.

I have a tendency to forget this fact or not want to remember it when I am clouded with sadness. But it is usual that by the time I have revisited and enjoyed these events, the experience that seemed like a dry riverbed will have passed away.

And I will again be present in the bountiful flow of my life.

I will be the river that reshapes my own landscape.

© Marjorie H Morgan

Paintings

A past relationship is like a painting. It is fixed, forever - in the past. There is no movement in it, no future. It is just a memory like the painting is merely paint on canvas holding the memory of a single moment in time. No feelings, no cares, no love, no future – no worries. The relationship is not alive. It is gone. It is past.

Like paintings you can still enjoy the beauty of that past time, but you cannot go back there. You can remember the joy, the fun, the happiness. They were all real and are part of your life. However, your greatest pleasure can be found in the present, your time is now. It is your responsibility to make a living art work from your life – for you to enjoy, right now.