Mean

Does being mean cause pain? I contest that it does. Some folk will respond with that age old rhyme of ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me,’ but they are wrong, names do hurt and sometimes they are the final straw that causes someone to tip over the edge.

Does that mean we can’t have fun? No, it doesn’t. But there is a big difference between having fun and being mean and I’m sure that we all know the difference ... especially when the meanness is directed at us.  

There was an episode on a TV show where a girl blogged about her classmate: it was quite simply a case of cyber-bullying. The classmate eventually committed suicide because of the social pressure and negative attention she was receiving from her fellow students as a result of the meanness started from the blogs. In this particular episode of Harry’s Law (s2, ep 4) it was argued that meanness is part of everyday life and that we can’t all be held responsible for the subsequent actions of people just because we have contributed some mean act to their life and day.

The lawyers argued that newspapers portray meanness on a daily basis, as do politicians and other public figures. This does not make it right although it has become an accepted, nay normal, part of everyday life.

I think that it’s better to be kind than mean. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I prefer to receive kindness than meanness. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Meanness causes pain, and often leads to death. That’s the truth. 

Kindness ripples

I was discussing a Bible story with my child and a friend. We were talking about Naomi, Ruth and Boaz. As we went through the different aspects of the tale we started discussing the effects that being kind to someone can have on their life and subsequent behaviour.

And this got me thinking about some experiences that I used to have when I was a child. As you probably know by now, I am one of a large family of siblings and as a result we hardly every had any quiet time at home.

So that made me remember when I was younger and how I used to spend a lot of time out of the house. As a family all of us would spend hours in our big back garden or we would go for long walks, especially at the weekend. I now think it was part of our parents’ plan to get some peace and quiet but at the time it seemed like we were getting the best deal as we were free to roam and explore everything around us in the Wiltshire countryside. It was fun!

While on our walks we would inevitably happen upon a river: not unusual when you live near the River Avon – it comes up all over the place. When we got to the water we would skim rocks across the surface in a competition mode. Each of us wanted to have the most rock skips. And we could do this for what seemed like hours.

Once we’d started we just wanted to continue. Seeing the initial ripples made us want to do it all over again. So we kept repeating the experience until it got so dark that we finally had to go home. But I still remember that feeling of doing one thing in our games and seeing another one happen because of it.

I think it is the same with kindness.

Have you ever noticed that kindness ripples? Just like skimming a stone in the river. Try it, it’s a lovely experience.

You won't be the only one who remembers it for a long time.

Unbidden tears

In the grand scheme of things I have so many things to feel happy about – and I do, however, right now, in this moment I feel incredibly sad.

It’s the little things that trigger it.

If I were to recount them you may shake your head in disbelief or even laugh at my attention to seemingly futile things. But, in this minute, they are not minor.

I’ll share two of my recent triggers to sadness. I was sharing a neighbour’s birthday celebrations and she has been the most wonderful and kind woman to my son and I over the years, then I found myself in floods of tears (much as I am while I am writing this). Mrs H is now 83 years old. She reminds me of the quiet but strong matriarch of an Italian dynasty. She lives alone across the street from me, well that is the theory – her children, grandchildren and hordes of relatives are constantly visiting, staying over and looking after her.

Well, this woman, with a multitude of her own family has taken a shine to my son, and every birthday (they share the same week) there is an exchange of gifts. Also, when Mrs H goes on her family holidays around the world she always brings a special present back for Morgan. She is so kind and lovely.

I have thanked her endlessly for her thoughtfulness and generosity. As the head of such a large, also generous, family I realised she has everything she could possibly need – she has repeatedly told me this as well. So I decided to write her a letter instead of just signing the usual birthday card with a few platitudes.

This is when I first started crying uncontrollably.

I wasn’t writing anything sad, on the contrary I was remembering her kindness over the past decade and more. I managed to prevent the tears splashing on the paper and smudging the ink but I still had red eyes when I went to deliver it with her box of chocolates (her one indulgence).

Writing that letter took me way beyond this street and Mrs H’s kindness. That’s why I cried.

Then later on in the same day there was a minor accident. There was no bloodshed or bones broken. What happened was a key ring got trapped in the door and smashed my heather fob. It’s true, nobody died. I’ve just had it as a treasured gift for these past four years and I was used to it, it meant a lot to me. It’s just Scottish heather and there’s plenty more where it came from but it still made me a little sad.



So there you have it. Writing letters and missing Scottish mementos can make me cry. Who’d have thought?!

Be honest, be kind

... especially to yourself. It is the season of goodwill and people everywhere, even those who do not believe in Christ, are being kind and somewhat considerate to each other. We often forget ourselves at this time. I am not advocating a bout of selfishness, just a dose of honesty and kindness directed at yourself because you are worth it.

I have honestly been reflecting about where I have been and with kindness I have reminded myself about my achievements. Now this is not more self-centred behaviour this is more along the lines of improving self esteem. And as far as I know there are plenty of people in the world that need a small boost to their self esteem. There are always the exceptions to any rule ... but I won’t talk about them right now.

When I write in my journals I do not edit and correct. I just write. They could be described as my stream of consciousness. Through the years I have returned to them and it always amazes me as to where I was and where I am now. You see, sometime I look at my current situation and, it must be said, that occasionally I think I am in not such a good place – this may be emotionally, socially or a whole host of other -lly’s that I could list. Then, when I look back I can see that, although things may not be totally rosy in my garden at that precise moment, I know that I have a garden! I know that I am blessed with beautiful blooms in my life on a daily basis (to take the metaphor just that step further ...).

I have spent time investigating how and why I feel certain things and many of my discoveries somehow became a part of the fabric of my existence. A big eye-opener was looking at emotions and the messages they convey. There are both positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions give me the message that something needs to change; they are an action signal. With all emotions I have learnt that I must somehow identify the signal and work through various steps until I can take action to fulfil the change needed. It is a marvellous achievement when you can be honest with yourself and be kind enough to yourself to listen and act.

As these amazing facts on emotions helped me enormously I think I’ll do a blog on them in the coming days.

That’s all on the condition that I’m not being too honest and kind to myself that I decide I don’t want to write any more (that will never happen!)

As a taster I’ll just say this is what I do:

(when you get your own emotional message you could also try these four steps)

v Identify the signal (I’m going to look at least 10 emotional categories from loneliness to anger)

v Clarify the situation (by this I mean appreciate the message)

v Change ... your state, your perception or your procedure

v Take action

I’ve continually found that when I am honest and kind to myself I become more confident and certain in what I do. I also become excited to take action.

Now, I don’t know of many people that couldn’t do with a touch of the right kind of excitement in their lives, do you?