Catalysts

Waiting for other people to do something, or anything, before you do something is about waiting for action to take place so that your reaction can follow.

It’s about following.

But it’s only concerning incidents that follow once the main event has taken place.

The complete situation is like a chemical equation: it’s all in relation to being a catalyst or a reaction.

Depending on the catalyst the reaction can be rapid or slow, and at the end of the reactive process the catalyst remains the same. Given these facts, I think it’s worth considering whether I want to be a catalyst for change or merely have a reaction to change imposed on me. The reactive element of this process is usually altered at the end of it while the catalyst remains the same: able to cause reactions within different environments again and again.

With that choice to make I’d suggest it is better to live an active than a re-active life.

It’s March, a new month, so that can be a catalyst, can’t it? I think the start of each month means a spring into action ... doesn’t it?

Leap Day Resolutions

All over the British Isles people have been taking part in Leap Day activities and making Leap Day resolutions. Well, that’s what they’ve said on some news programmes that I’ve been listening to this month.

This got me wondering about what times of leaps I would be prepared to take this special day. Tradition has it that women can be the one to propose on this day and if rejected they must be provided with twelve pairs of gloves (so that they can hide their ring less hands all the year around). This, and other traditions have made me smile as I have thought about what I can and will do with this extra day of the month.

I already wear gloves, but not to hide the lack of any rings, more to ward of the bitter winds and cold. So I rejected that idea that would make me the recipient of a dozen pairs of gloves (and my proposal has already been accepted, so it was not necessary on this particular day anyway).

A friend of mine indicated that he was waiting for my proposal to him, but he did send the message from his fortified bunker in the middle of nowhere so I knew that he was not really open to any approach from me. Nevertheless, we can continue to live in hope. Isn’t that right P?

Anyway, back to reality. The radio programmes were encouraging people to take advantage of the extra day in February and use it as an excuse to do something they had never done before. And many did. One woman, who was blind, enjoyed her first tandembike ride; a man, who suffers from panic attacks, depression and agoraphobia, travelled on a bus to a local town for the first time in four years. Another man told his colleagues that he is gay and has been with his partner for nearly 20 years. At several schools the children, teachers and support staff leapt to different classrooms for lessons and undertook each others’ roles for an hour.

There have been so many leaps.

But, here’s a gift for you, you don’t have to wait for another 4 years to make your own leap – you can do it now! But you knew that, didn’t you?

It’ll be great to share what extraordinary leaps you’ve taken. Feel free to let me know about your daily or yearly leaps and I’ll keep telling you about mine: it’s only fair.

Locked in

Prisons are not places that people usually choose to go to. However, some people who have relative freedom can find themselves locked into certain prisons.

I have discovered that there are situations where fear can imprison you and you remain as securely isolated as if you were being prevented from escaping by bars, locked doors and armed guards in surveillance towers.

Poverty is also a way of efficiently preventing people from moving from their current situations. Some circumstances can be altered by sheer will power, others may need more assistance.

If there is a way out of incarceration I’m always going to take it. I will make my own escape plan and  - if the opportunity arises – I will work with others to leave the cells of destruction, but I will not remain locked in - it’s not healthy.

Survive and thrive

Trauma is no respecter of gender, creed, ‘race’, sexuality, continent, weather system ... you get my drift? 

When trauma arrives it does not first check any passport or identity document, it is swift and uncompromising in its severity. Trauma sweeps through all real or imagined borders.

It is like being picked up from your everyday life and sucked into the centre of a whirlwind only to be unceremoniously thrown from there and landing in a confused state of mind and body somewhere else. I’d compare it to suddenly awakening in the middle of an Olympic hurdles final in a wheel chair. Flummoxed and confused you reel from side to side trying to regain your balance and negotiate the obstacles in front of you. 

You can see what you ought to do, but the first thought is that everything from thereon in is impossible.

Having been traumatised in the past I know that it is all one can do to try to breathe - much less to figure out how to progress from this moment to the next. Nevertheless, the survival instinct does eventually kick in and you decide to endure. You find or make your own way through. This is when you regain your ability to be extraordinary. This is the first moment of triumph in your new reality. 

I am blessed that I have found many more such moments.

I am now thriving. Following my survival of the traumatic events I bore through the pain and made it to today where I can say “It’s good to survive and thrive”. Doing otherwise was never really an option for very long.

My life is blessed.

I am constantly awed by other people who have also experienced their own traumas and keep on keeping on. People like Beverly Kearney, the track and field coach who suffered severe injury but refused to give in to defeat. I have seen images of her in her hospital bed and trackside in her wheelchair as she coached her team to repeated victories. She never gave up, she too, survived and thrived.

Each one of us faces our own traumas. They may never be the same as mine or Beverly Kearney’s but they are traumatic in each individual life. We can survive and thrive, it all starts with the will to do so. We have to keep on trying.

“And when people ask me ‘how is it that you have succeeded in spite of your obstacles?’ And you know what I tell them? ‘I don’t have a choice.’ I don’t have a choice. Because my hero is my history, and my history is a legacy of people who have triumphed over tragedy, who have succeeded in spite of the oppression. How can I fail because they have taught me failure is not an option.”  

Beverly Kearney

Home Bird

I am a home bird that loves to travel. An enigma? It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been referred to in that way.

My home environment gives me peace and happiness, therefore I’m bound to enjoy it. I also love to travel – both locally within the country and globally. There are a few things that can get me to travel, well, the truth of it is there are a few people that can get me to travel to see them without a second thought. I love to spend time with them, where they are, or to have them with me.

I remember travelling thousands of miles on my own – without telling anyone else (apart from the person I was going to be with) until I boarded the plane - just because of love. It’s easy to do.

For years I have stayed close to home, making my nest. Then there was the fluttering of my heart followed by the fluttering of my wings and the inevitable flights away from the nest. It’s easy to do.

When you want something enough, you make a way. You figure it out. You have to.

We always move towards that which interests us. Our actions and hesitations are evidence of our desires.

“Movement illustrates the intentions and the interest of the person who is moving.”

Édouard Lock (Founder of La La La Human Steps – Canada)

Mean

Does being mean cause pain? I contest that it does. Some folk will respond with that age old rhyme of ‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me,’ but they are wrong, names do hurt and sometimes they are the final straw that causes someone to tip over the edge.

Does that mean we can’t have fun? No, it doesn’t. But there is a big difference between having fun and being mean and I’m sure that we all know the difference ... especially when the meanness is directed at us.  

There was an episode on a TV show where a girl blogged about her classmate: it was quite simply a case of cyber-bullying. The classmate eventually committed suicide because of the social pressure and negative attention she was receiving from her fellow students as a result of the meanness started from the blogs. In this particular episode of Harry’s Law (s2, ep 4) it was argued that meanness is part of everyday life and that we can’t all be held responsible for the subsequent actions of people just because we have contributed some mean act to their life and day.

The lawyers argued that newspapers portray meanness on a daily basis, as do politicians and other public figures. This does not make it right although it has become an accepted, nay normal, part of everyday life.

I think that it’s better to be kind than mean. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I prefer to receive kindness than meanness. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Meanness causes pain, and often leads to death. That’s the truth. 

Vashti – A Strong Woman

Some women (and men) stand up for their convictions whatever the consequences. Thus it was with Vashti.

I believe she may have been the first feminist recorded in the Bible. Vashti was queen, and the story goes that while her husband, King Ahasuerus, was feasting with all his princes and noblemen she was entertaining the visiting women with another feast in the royal house. However, Vashti was not destined to remain as the queen for long because she thought for herself and followed her personal beliefs in a very public manner that came to be viewed as open dissent.

The results of her behaviour were far-reaching. Vashti was eventually replaced as queen by Esther because she refused to appear before the king and all his guests when she was summoned. She knew the consequences of refusal. She paid the price. With her refusal to use her beauty and sexuality as a public commodity Vashti shows dignity and strength of character.

King Ahasuerus did not see her actions in the same light. When Vashti humiliated the king when she declined to obey him, he sought counsel from his courtiers. They recommended that Vashti be dealt with immediately and harshly because they were afraid that all the other women of the kingdom and provinces would follow her lead and be independently-minded in their choices – without regard to the demands of their husbands. This possibility obviously frightened them all. They believed that her actions were in danger of being copied therefore the consequences had to be hard.  King Ahasuerus followed the advice of these men and removed Vashti as queen.

Just to make sure that her actions were not copied the king also sent a command to all parts of his kingdom instructing that all men should ensure they were in complete charge in their own households. Vashti’s influence spread quickly. The king tried to crush it.

Vashti was one of the first of many strong women recorded in the Bible.

Vashti disobeyed a royal command and was punished. Some Jewish literature says that she was asked to appear before nude, wearing only her royal crown, in front of king Ahasuerus and his drunken guests. Other records say that she declined to appear because she had contracted leprosy. Whatever the reason the common thread in all the stories is her refusal to obey the most important man of the known world at that time.

If this happened today, it would be on Twitter and Facebook in seconds. “Queen Vashti refused to attend to King Ahasuerus at royal banquet! He’s well mad now. With his advisors deciding what to do. Not good. Goner.”

King Ahasuerus was having none of it. Hence his reaction to punish and banish Queen Vashti. Vashti was dethroned and stripped of all her royal privileges, however, she was not killed because three years later, the king thought about reinstating her as queen. But his advisors suggested that he look for another young queen instead.

King Ahasuerus liked the idea and Vashti was soon replaced by Esther.

Despite her unceremonious departure from the top of the social ladder Vashti’s legacy of strength and heroism lives on. She paid a huge price for her convictions and she left a record of strength for women of all ages to remember.

(I was at church this week and the story of Esther was told with gusto. Vashti was mentioned as a bit-character in the larger story but I thought that without her strong stand Esther would never have had her day in the limelight. I am therefore giving Vashti some well-deserved recognition for her role as a strong and dignified woman, as a feminist.)

Forgive or be stoopid

Forgiveness is important.

We all want it when we have done something wrong. But, I have observed, that it is not so easy for some people to give forgiveness to others. This fact was brought home to me by my child.

We were talking about an incident where an accident had happened and someone we know was badly hurt. This, of course, made everyone sad.

“Whose fault was it?” asked M.

“It was an accident,” I replied, “but the person in charge of the event was a friend of Adam’s.”

“Are they still friends?” came the immediate inquiry.

I laughed. “Yes, they are.” Then I paused as I thought about when the accident had happened. 

“Interestingly,” I continued, “Now Adam’s family really can’t stand Zak and blame it all on him. While Zak and Adam have just got on with their friendship. I do think Adam was upset at first but he got over it quickly because it was, after all, an accident.”

“Why don’t the others get over it as well then?”

“Well, they can’t forgive Zak for hurting Adam you see.”

“Why?”

“Because they love Adam and Zak was the cause of all his injuries.”

“But he didn’t do it on purpose, did he?”

“No. It was an accident.”

“I think they’re stupid.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s not nice not to forgive people. If Adam had caused the accident then they’d be on bended knee asking Zak’s family for forgiveness for him, wouldn’t they?”

“I guess so.”

“Well then, if they don’t forgive Zak for what he did then they’re just as bad as if they caused the accident themselves. They’re just causing more pain. They’re stoopid.”

I just nodded.

Then M added, after more thought, “Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget, does it?”

“No, of course not. It just means you don’t have any negative feelings or anger associated with the thoughts. You have to leave the bitterness behind and move on. You know, learning from the situation, but not letting it continue to hurt you. When you don’t forgive, I mean when you keep the anger inside you, it’s like tasting the most horrible thing and keeping it in your mouth instead of letting it go. You have to spit bitterness out, you know.”

“Are they really still angry with Adam’s friend even when he’s not?”

“I hope not, but I don’t know.”

“I think that’s really stoopid.”

End of month questions

What are you fulfilled by doing? (Do it more.)

Who are you happiest with? (Be with them often.)

Do you have an insatiable appetite for life? (Get somewhere where you do.)

What are you hungry for? (Options vary with individuals ... love, peace, greatness.)

What are you doing about achieving it?

What disappoints you? (How can you avoid it in future?)

Who is important to you? (Do they know? How can you show and tell them?)

How to you get to be better than you thought you could be? (Remember and repeat.)

Do you expect more of yourself? (If not, why not?)

Do you work to 100% of your ability? (What is gained from holding back?)

As this is traditionally a month for making resolutions I thought it was a good time to check the progress of the New Year and new improved you. How is it going?

I’m through with making resolutions instead I make daily revolutions of change in my life. Join me.

Observation on life ...

When blindfolded it is usually impossible to see clearly. If we remain blinded once the actual blindfold of circumstance has been removed from our lives then I can’t understand why it is still impossible to see clearly. I have taken into account that time is needed to adjust tot the different levels of light and information that is being received into our brains but after that period surely our vision should be fine, don’t you think?

What I have discovered to be true is that things that appear solidly bound together have an strange capacity to break apart at a quick pace when a devastating event impacts the structure. This could be a house, a family or a heart.

Sometimes these destructive forces have been hovering nearby for a great amount of time, other times they arrive in our lives like tornadoes. No matter how much we hold onto the structure we will not be able to hold it together. The cracks appear and the foundation crumbles.

What I wonder is why can’t we see the potential for destruction when we are wrapped up in the warmth of the present. Do we choose to wear the blindfold against the future or are they really only blinkers that have us focused on the reality in front of us?

If we knew there was danger ahead maybe we would build better foundations now for the things we want to keep in our lives. Wait, that sounds like a good idea! Now, where did I put that cement of love, kindness, caring, sharing and friendship? Ah, there it is ...

I’m off to firm up my foundations.

Creeping imagination

Have you ever had that feeling that something you dislike has touched you without you knowing? I mean, for example, a spider is crawling on your arm. Then you do those jerky movements that look like a parent’s bad dance at a wedding. You know those times, don’t you?

I just did.

The recent high winds and the neighbours cats have caused severe damage to one of the fence panels in my garden (well, this one more than the rest) and it looked like the Costa Concordia as it listed away from the other upright panels. Other neighbours, houses away from mine, have stopped me in the street and mentioned that they saw it falling over it, so I knew it was time to remove it.

Hatted and gloved against the weather I went forth into the garden.

The rotting wood fell easily away from the attached posts. I thought then this was going to be easier than I had imagined and wondered why I had delayed removing this eyesore for so long. As I leant forwards to lift some of the broken pieces of wood I felt something touch my back.

It was a light touch, and it instantly unnerved me because I was wearing several layers of clothing.

I dropped the broken panels to the ground and jumped backwards. That’s when the dancing started. My arms were making strange geometrical shapes with my body as I struggled to release the foreign object from near my skin. I could feel it moving down my back. It was all I could do not to scream out.

As I jerked frantically I felt something move lower down my back I flung off the gardening gloves and reached for it. With disgust I threw a small dark object to the ground. It was a spider! I knew it was, wasn’t it? I peered at the ground but the pebbles disguised it, but I was right, wasn’t I? I felt my skin crawl as I continued to fan my clothing away from my body to let any other creepy crawlies loose.

What I did next surprised me.

I shook my clothes one more time then retrieved the gloves and continued to clear the broken wood away from the edges of the garden. Once they were in a neat pile I walked swiftly to the kitchen door.

Then, it started again; that creepy feeling that something unbidden was touching me. This time I didn’t feel anything new I saw a spider (yes, a real one) on the doorstep. I flicked it off, back into the garden, and as I touched it it curled up into a ball. That was it! I was convinced that what had touched me earlier was really a spider. I lost all reserve and flew through the door.

I ascended the steps rather quickly and in moments I was in the bathroom and stripping off my clothes. As I did so I shook each item – away from me – to see what was in there. I checked my back in the mirror and, thankfully, nothing was there. As I turned my clothing back inside out something fell to the floor. I jumped back convinced it was a spider. It lay there in a dark ball, not moving.

I didn’t want to move first but I had to move before it did, so I backed up, all the time keeping my eyes on that spot, and reached for some toilet tissue. As I approached it again I tried to identify it. Was it really just a dried up berry or was it a disguised spider. With my exposed skin tightening in fear I enclosed the ball with the tissue. It did not move. I gingerly picked it up and found out that it was a berry.

Now, that should have calmed all my fears, yet it didn’t.

I was still using my hand to brush invisible spiders from my back. My imagination had created a colony of them crawling all over me and the evidence of the berry as it lay in the tissue did not convince me that there hadn’t already been at least one of them crawling on me.

You know those times, don’t you?

You don’t?

Oh, it’s just me then ...

Chocks and Blocks

In WWII the British pilots used to have problems with the planes rolling away when the engine was running so they put wedge-shaped blocks by the wheels to keep them still until the crew were ready for take-off. This led to the phrase from the cockpit of, “Chocks away!” And the ground crew would remove the blocks so there was a free run for the plane.

I think that sometimes we are like the British Air Force in our personal lives because we often place our own chocks and blocks on our runway to happiness to prevent ourselves from moving forward.

Some personal blocks may be in the form of past pain – but my advice is not to let the past inhibit you from starting something new. As with the WWII planes, they are much more effective when they are doing the task they were designed for.

Like eagles, we are better when we soar.

It’s time for all the chocks and blocks to be moved away.   

Trauma

“That was traumatic!” The phrase just rolls off the tongue after seemingly difficult situations. But I’m sure many in the medical and psychological fields of expertise would not use the word so blithely.

The word trauma originates in Greek (as I’m told all the best things do) and it means ‘wound’. This can of course be a physical or psychological wound ... amongst other things. An affair of the heart can be a trauma, as can a road traffic accident or an imbalanced mind. They all leave damage that is deep and can impair one’s future.

A question I came up with was ‘What if you purposely cause trauma to someone, what is the Greek for that?” And sure enough I found an answer. The verb for trauma can be traced back to the phrase “I injure” – I cause the wound. I cause the damage. This may be in the form of upsetting someone, offending some group of people, or damaging people.

Whether the wound is accidental, self-inflicted or forced upon an unwitting subject it all results in the same end: a wound. An injury that in some way mutilates the person.

I know I will be more careful about how I interact with people because I have seen too many people suffering from the result of careless words and actions. Some people die because of the trauma that others inflict on them, their wound never heals. This is beyond sad.

We have to care for ourselves ... and also others. The wounds of humanity are like a gash in the world’s soul. 

We need to heal it, one kind deed at a time.

Quit this ...

Here’s a question for you ... are you a quitter? Do you quit all the time or never? OK, it’s more than one question. Here’s another... Is there a right time to be a quitter?

I’ve been reluctant to quit things and ended up hoarding ... not just physical things but emotional things as well. (No matter where this thought process goes, I’m still not quitting my books!) Anyhow, I have discovered some things that I have to quit, some things that I have already quit and other things that I still don’t want to quit.

With these three piles of quitting I have decided that I now have to be like a magician and start moving things into the ‘I quit’ pile before I make it turn into a dove and disappear from my life.

It really is OK to quit things ... especially when they are damaging you.

My list includes: ... now that would be telling!

Rewriting history

This is something that only the colonial powers do, right?

I beg to differ.

I think we’ve all be guilty of rewriting history: ours and others.

By not mentioning someone and their part in our lives we are, in effect, writing them out of our history. But is that such a bad thing? I don’t think that it always is a bad thing. That person could have had such a negative effect on our lives that we choose to ignore them.

But does that make the affect they have actioned in our existence go away? I don’t think that it does.

Sometimes when I hear about particular people and how they are discussing their life story I do sit and wonder about the missing characters that I know were there. How do I know? Because I was once one of them and I have been erased from the retelling of their story.

This may make me sad, but they obviously have a good reason to do this.

Then I look in the mirror and I see the same thing happening in my life, so who am I in my glass house of mirrors to throw stones or talk about rewriting history?

Reluctant couch potato

I am not a gym bunny but throughout the years I have sashayed between fat and fit (it’s true .... look at my pictures) but this recent enforced down time is no fun at all. I don’t want to watch TV, I couldn’t read, and I ached incessantly (not from any pleasurable activity ... that’s another story all together). Therefore I’m complaining about this time I have to spend sitting and lying about.

I don’t want to run anywhere either, but I’d like to walk around again without feeling like I need a stick to hold my jelly-like legs up (despite my best efforts I have jelly thighs legs for two reasons: lack of focussed exercise and this stupid bug!)

Years ago, when trying on some clothes in the changing room, a niece turned to me and said, in all innocence, 

“Aunt, I don’t know why you don’t like swimming. You could use your legs as floats!” My other sister fell about laughing but even that wasn’t enough to get me doing the necessary leg lifts.

So, here I sit (or lie) with my jelly thighs wishing I could walk without the fever moving my head around like I’m in a snow globe, or the wobble that has inhabited my frame attempting to push my body in different directions to the ones my mind wants to go. I feel as if I’ve got sea-legs without the journey anywhere.

All I can realistically do is to follow the Doctor’s instruction and sit still for hours each day.

I wonder how couch potatoes manage it all the time?

Maybe I just can’t hack it anymore because I have a sofa and not a couch. Just wondering ...

Best advice so far ...

I love to communicate and I use social networking sites to aid that task.

When I sent a message out to a special contact this morning I got the best advice that I have received this week. She said, “Create a great week!”

So, from her to me to you ... it’s all yours, go do it!

Let go ...

If you hold on to some things, that makes it difficult to obtain other new things in your life: because you don’t have the capacity to hold it all.

There comes a time, with some things – even precious things – that you just have to let go. So that you can grasp the new opportunity with both hands and hold it as securely as it deserves to be held. A tenuous touch on a possibility will not, generally speaking, lead to fulfilment.

For the chance at tremendous possibilities you really have to ...

“Let go. Let go, and move on.”

Management (2008)

My biggest critic

... is me. But there is an upside to that comment as well. You see, my biggest cheerleader is also me! I just have to get those aspects of me in balance to live a healthy mental life.

There are times when I get down. I don’t mean sad, I mean really depressed. And it’s then that I think ‘What’s the point?’

What I now know for sure is that we often get the courage to carry on at the very point when we are ready to give up. This has happened to me repeatedly.

My inner critic will berate me and beat me up and I really want to give up. I intend to. Then, right at that last moment, I awaken the dormant courage that I realise I have and I am practically invincible again. I believe in myself and I know that I must carry on because I owe it to myself.

It’s that simple ... and that hard.

I look at myself and know that I must make the effort ... for me. I do. I will. Thus doing I silence my biggest critic.

Rah, rah, rah!

Future conditioning

No matter what ‘condition’ you inhabit it is your RESPONSE to that condition that is a major factor in indicating what your future is likely to be.

(from a discussion at the University of Oxford 25^th October 2011)

Your mind’s thinking and learnt responses can direct your future paths. Learn better.

“Education either functions as an instrument which is used to facilitate integration of the younger generation into the logic of the present system and bring about conformity or it becomes the practice of freedom, the means by which men and women deal critically and creatively with reality and discover how to participate in the transformation of their world.” Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed.