Fierce protection

I will protect the people and things I love fiercely: that includes myself.

I am not habitually a violent person but once – many moons ago – when someone persistently violated my personal space I did use physical force against them.  It shook me terribly for several hours, days and weeks. I have never forgotten the feeling of impending danger that I experienced and wanted to avert. I am not proud that I used force, but I am satisfied that I did the right thing at the right time.

That said, nowadays I use (as is my lifelong practice) the verbal skills of negotiation and personal engagement to avert any crisis.

Just last week I had cause to confront two youths riding a scrambler, at speed, on a footpath where I was walking with three children.

I did not approach them with aggression, although I could have, I was just intent upon sharing my thoughts – in a calm way – about the impact their reckless actions had and could have on others.

There was an initial standoff which included revving up of the bike as the rider turned the machine back towards me in a show of aggression. I walked forward regardless. I was determined but not stupid, I quickly assessed the situation and keeping eye contact I proceeded.

Insults were thrown at me, I decided to parry them with soft words and gentle inquiries. It seemed to work. 

Within a few minutes, the rider and his pillion passenger were calmer and nodding in understanding as I spoke with them. I explained that I knew about high-spirited actions but all I was asking was that they be considerate to the possibility of not so able people walking on the foot paths.

We parted amicably. The rider smiled from behind his balaclava and winked an acknowledgement of his understanding.

I was still calm as I went back to where my son and his friends were hiding around the corner. They were all safe that day, as was I. And I know things would have been so very different.

I am not easily deterred from doing right for those who are maligned. You see, I will always remain fiercely protective of those things close to my heart.

There’s something wrong ...

Have you ever noticed that sometimes things look or feel great when you’ve just done them but after a while some uncertainty begins to surface?

Well, I have been painting the house for a while and as time has passed I have found out that I’ve missed bits. Now something else has come to light. Literally.

This concerns a door. The inside of this particular door is not frequently seen as it is not often closed but when my eyes lit upon it on one of the rare bright afternoons I instantly developed a hint of a frown.

I decided to ignore what I had seen but as I am not the only one in the house it was soon brought to my attention by my son.

“There’s something wrong with the door,” she said casually.

“I know.” I sighed.

“Why’s it like that?” M asked.

“The paint I used wasn’t right,” I conceded.

“Oh. OK.”

“It doesn’t look nice,” he continued.

“I know. I’ll fix it soon,” I answered.

“Good. Then it’ll look nice like the rest of the painting!”

When I had picked up the can of paint it had brightly announced that it was a one-coat brilliant white paint for all wood and metal surfaces. So I had just used it in good faith ... just as I had many years before. And this is where the problem stemmed from.

The paint was white when I dipped the brush in the paint tin, it was white when it first went on the door but after a few weeks it started to fade and turned a strange shade of sickness, it was a streaky creamy colour and the previous white colour was peeping through this top layer of discolouration.

The paint I chose to use was old. It wasn’t right for this use. So I had to buy new paint for that door, other doors and radiators.

Now they are all white because I eventually used something that was fit for the right purpose and will not just be a temporary facade.

Tinted vision

Months ago I decided to start painting some areas of the house. And, I did just that. I moved furniture, pictures and curtains and I painted. When I had completed the work I put some of the things back and the rest have either gone or are waiting to go to new homes.

I was pleased with my efforts - indeed I still am pleased with them.

So imagine my surprise when it came to my attention that something I thought I had painted was still the original colour. How did I miss that? I thought I had done a thorough job but weeks after the painting paraphernalia had been put away I noticed a yellow piece of wood amongst all the newly painted white bits.

It literally came to light one morning. All that was necessary for me to see this oversight was the correct lighting and the right perception.

When I saw it I immediately realised what I had done; I knew that I had painted when it was getting late in the day, with a yellowish light overhead (I know, it all sounds obvious now!) and I therefore had the perfect set up to obtain a tinted vision that obscured what was directly in front of me. The piece of wood appeared to have been covered in brilliant white paint but it remained yellow all this time.

Now with the right conditions I could plainly see what had always been in front of me. If the sun had not been shining right then, or my eyes had been focused elsewhere then I never would have seen what I had so easily omitted.

Without the right conditions then my painting in the dark would have seemed fine.

Ms Angry?

I have no desire to shout at people, but apparently I have done this twice in the past few weeks. This may not sound at all strange to you but for me it is ‘out of character’. It appears I may have to be recast as ‘Ms Angry’ if this disturbing trend (do two instances make a trend?) continues.

The first time was when I politely asked a man to stop putting leaflets through my door, on my car and all the cars in my street – he smiled, then ignored me and carried on regardless. I repeated my request, this was also ignored. Then I called the number on one of the leaflets and registered my concern at this behaviour and this is when I was told that I raised my voice for the first time. Both people I talked to seemed to think that I had not right to object to their intrusion into my personal space. They were wrong in my opinion, and I told them so.

The next occurrence was when I attempted to return a faulty item to Curry’s electrical store and the customer service representative was just plain rude and dismissive of everything that I had to say. He was not just surly to me this behaviour was also shared with his colleagues – so I don’t feel as if I was singled out for special treatment. However, I chose not to accept it and told him so. He laughed at me.

I did not join him in laughter. Instead I told him that just ignoring me and walking up and down the store with my information was not acceptable. From my initial contact with him I knew there was a possibility of trouble. He literally elbowed his colleague out of the way, then took my receipt and guarantee and walked off. First he spoke to a colleague nearby, then he walked past me – ignored me – and wandered off around the store leaving me with no idea of what he was doing or how long I would have to wait. I did waited patiently but after many other customers had arrived, been dealt with and left I was still waiting.

Then he sauntered back and said that he couldn’t do anything about the faulty item. He smirked as he said it and pushed the receipt across the counter towards me.

This is when I, apparently, shouted again. I think that I just spoke firmly – at least that’s what it sounded like in my head. I know that I am capable of shouting as I have done so on two rather memorable and sad occasions in my life – I didn’t like either of them and shiver at the memory because I really was Ms Angry then because my back had been broken by too many straws of abuse.

In the end another, more senior member of staff, came and dealt with the problem more satisfactorily and sent this surly character away.

In these recent instances I was just mildly perturbed, I don’t think I was even approaching feeling annoyance yet; there was a definite difference between these times and the straw back-breaking moments. I think all I wanted was to ascertain some semblance of understanding between myself and the person I was talking to. I guess I spoke in clipped tones and in a register different to my normal calm voice; hence it was catalogued as shouting by the hearers.

I just like customer service to do what it says on the tin, that’s all!

Jigsaw perspectives

I have to make long-term decisions that I believe are the best for my family. These may include staying up until stupid-o’clock to finish painting walls so the next day can be focused on more family filled activities or I may decide that a certain desired purchase may have to be denied.

These two examples are not times of easy decisions but because I do have the advantage of seeing a larger picture I am able to make them with some confidence.

My son, however, cannot see the sense in some of the things that I decide – especially if he wants something right then (and additionally has told his friends about it as a guaranteed event). But, as I told him today, that is sometimes because he is looking at a single piece of the whole jigsaw while I am looking at the whole picture – more or less.

Never Married? Oh!

I recently overheard these words that were part of an animated conversation. A third party was being described as ‘never married’ and the response came back, “Oh!”

It was this small word that signified so much.

“Oh – she’s a loser!”

“Oh – so she’ll be an old maid.”

“Oh – so no one wanted her, right?”

“Oh – what’s wrong with her?”

“Oh – she must be ugly.”

“Oh – if she is still single there must be some good reason or justification, something that is her fault.”

“Oh – she’s never known love.”

The list of assumptions did not need to be vocalised in this particular occasion as the three people in the conversation knew exactly - as was shown by the solemn acceptance of his response - what he was talking about. His meaning was crystal clear.

The stigma of never being married still persists in the 21^st century. The person passing society’s judgement was not asking why the woman had stayed single, he presumed because ... he could. His presumption was not questioned either.

As the conversation continued I wondered if this man had even paused to think that the woman in question may have chosen to stay single, may be waiting to get married, may be in a committed partnership that is not public knowledge, may be unable to marry ... for legal or political reasons. Or did he just know – taking on the world view that women of a certain age should be married and those that weren’t were somehow drawing unnecessary attention to themselves and their ‘problems’.

As the conversation progressed it became more apparent that he would have been more comfortable if she had been married and then divorced rather than not married at all. This ‘always single’ status made him severely uncomfortable.

“Oh!” he said again. And immediately displaced the woman from the centre of society. She was highly visible because of her difference in status but there was also a need to make her invisible as well. Most societies signify marriage as a contract between a man and a woman that builds family relationships; these relationships are deemed the bedrock of society (just a casual look at statistics will prove this assumption to be based on sinking sand), however, the majority of people still hold on to the idea that all heterosexual marriages bring stability to society and communities as an unassailable truth (again, look at the facts). This woman was painted as a pariah in society - divorcees were more welcomed.

Although he was not talking about me – he could have been. I guess I am one of those women who will never fit in to this man’s world view but that does not mean that I am unhappy with my single status or that I have never had any wonderful relationships.

Never Married? Oh! ... Just because my personal and social status does not fit into this narrow description does not mean that I am any less a person than a married woman, and it especially does not mean that I have never known love ...

Other ‘never married’ women:

Queen Elizabeth I

Mother Teresa

Emily Bronte

Christina Rossetti

Gertrude Bell

Jane Austen

Emily Dickinson

Octavia Butler

Coco (Gabrielle) Chanel

Underdeveloped personal development

Have you ever wondered why personal development and personal motivation are such big business growth areas? Business 101: personal growth = business growth.

Apparently, there are many people who have an underdeveloped sense of personal identity and therefore need life coaching to enhance self improvement. I wonder how this happened.

I am definitely not knocking life coaching, motivational speeches or counselling: I have used them all.

You see, I am qualified - as a seasoned user - to know how helpful these techniques are. When I was on my personal journey from floundering to treading water, I obviously didn’t look at the bigger picture. But now I have space to reflect as I take positive strokes in dream fulfilment and I find I can ask these questions.

Where do the standard social and educational systems fail so extensively that society is awash with people who feel they have a low quality of life, lack much self-esteem, have no discernable dreams or aspirations and are blatantly unaware of having any natural talents or potential?

Why do people feel inadequate for the majority of the time?

What standards are we judging ourselves against to measure our lack?

If you type “personal development” into the Google search engine you’ll come back with over 50 million (yes, that’s right 50,000,000!) results in under 2 seconds. Google can find in excess of 1 million links for “motivational speakers” in the same time. What’s going on? Why are people so de-motivated to live their best life without a crutch?

I have had some times when I think nothing is possible and many other times when I would probably be described as a dreamer and an idealist because I believe that everything and anything great is possible.

When does the excitement of learning, and just being - that are part of most children’s lives - stop being integral to us as we grow up?

I’m beginning to think that if there is so much need for a fix then maybe the solution is not in throwing more personal development courses or motivational speakers at people, but maybe in going to the root of the problem. I think we should find out when it all goes wrong. At what age does the self-belief start to seep away? And then invest in reversing this damaging trend.

Either that or I could start a new career as a motivational speaker. Mmmm.

Start as you mean to carry on

The secret of positivity

... thus read the banner on the front of a recent copy of The Big Issue. I leafed through the pages to see what gems of knowledge were hidden in ordinary paper. There, on page 23, were all the answers you could possibly need to find out how to change your perspective.

The article was only a few hundred words long but was packed with vital information. A sub-heading jumped out at me:

What are the good things in your day?

How can you balance them against the bad?

The author, Nina Grunfeld, rightly said that in order to make a list of all the good things we would have to start noticing them, minute by minute. This is where the new perspective will come from. On this journey you will discover more about yourself as well (trust me, I know this works, I’ve been doing it – even before I read this article).

The special bonus of this shift in positivity is that you find also find out what is important to you on the way. Now, that can’t be bad, can it?

Find out more at the Life Clubs website and maybe you’ll even want to add your own discoveries to My Best Thing Today – another chance to enjoy your discoveries by sharing them with others. As the article says, “Start as you mean to carry on”.

I think I may have heard this before ... the Bible springs to mind, (so I have no reason not to continue doing it, I guess). How about you?

Short selling and cheerleading

I think that each time we try something new we go through an initiation routine. We are constantly capable of learning and always gain valuable experiences but we are also so good at selling ourselves short. So often we can see the talent, skill and great personality of any other person, but when it comes to ourselves, we become blind, dumb and deaf to our abilities.

When you value something you look after it. When you value yourself you treat yourself well.

I have decided to become my own cheerleader because I have been guilty of short-selling myself to myself.

I will, from this day forward, give myself credit where it is deserved. I will remember the things I have learned, the things I have experiences and the feats I have accomplished.

Rah rah!

Seasonally adjusted

Apparently, the cold spell has arrived, without warning the temperature dropped as did the leaves. The frost fell overnight, it was on the cars and the roads, even the grass was crisp underfoot. A crunch of ice was heard with each fresh step on the pavement. This was my morning wake-up call as I noticed that everything had changed.

I realised that I would have to enter into a new phase of my oh-so-British obsession with the weather for this end of the year. The Americans would call this season 'Fall' - I begin to understand the term now. Everything falls.

Yesterday evening there was a significant drop in temperature to below 8 C. The night dragged the temperature lower still. This morning it had not risen much above 2 C. I knew for sure that the new season had arrived. In a mere twenty four hours the temperature has fallen by over 10 C. My heart dropped with the mercury.

Although the sun is shining brightly in the clear blue sky it is no consolation to my bones. I don't like the cold weather. That is the only reason why I have not yet moved to a country I love so much: Canada (the Canadians do have better systems for dealing with the cold than us Brits do so it is still a serious consideration).

When a cousin first arrived in England from Jamaica he awoke the first morning and looked out of the bedroom window. As I passed by his opened door I saw him stood there with a puzzled look settled on his brow. I asked if he was OK.

"Nah man," he answered. "I see the sun shining but me caant feel it. Me nuh understaand whaa gwann."

"Welcome to the mocking sun," I replied with sardonic laughter. "This is Britain in November. You left the warmth near the equator I’m afraid."

It looked like the same sun he saw every day of his life in Jamaica, and indeed it was but from this different physical perspective the sun did not touch him as it did just one day earlier.

Things are not always as they seem. Things are not always as we are used to them. The familiar things fall away and are replaced by new strange times.

We will adjust – it just takes time.

From my late evening excursions yesterday I began to think about the layers of clothing I will have to wear now. Layers of protection against the persistent pain of the near zero weather. The wind is the worst. It works in conjunction with the sun and creeps upon you unawares. Unsettling you without warning.

There is nothing I can do to stop the weather change. What I can do is to adjust my behaviour to match it and manage my attitude through this fall time. I have to focus on the things I can control; the cold weather is not one of them.

By the time we British have adjusted to the cold weather it will be spring again and the earth will be bringing forth new life. We can have our own spring in our lives at any time. When the autumn or fall visits us we must, like I did today, dress appropriately and plan to suit the current time. There is no point acting like you are in yesterday or tomorrow. We must dress both our bodies and our minds to best equip us to deal with the wind and the frost that may beset us on our paths. We must deal with the present because this is where we are.

As soon as this season in my life is complete the next one will appear and I will be ready. I will see the signs.

We have today. We have now.

I, for one, am using my fall time to see the beauty around me and find my moments of happiness in each and every day.

I may, however, be doing it wearing a hat, scarf, gloves, thermals ... you get the picture I’m sure.

Guardian of the Times?

Last weekend I was unable to get either the Saturday Guardian or the Sunday Observer. So I did something unusual: I bought the Sunday Times.

Despite (you can guess how this will end from the first word of this sentence) the pleasure of Dame Maggie Smith, Julia Roberts and a fascinating analysis of Lady Gaga, I felt ill at ease within those pages.

Maybe it was the acerbic wit of AA Gill that finally put the nail in the coffin of the reading experience but I know that in the future I’d rather go without a weekend paper than sink to the depths of The Times. The whole tone of those volumes was bitter and a space that this Guardian reader should never venture into again.

It feels a bit like leaving Radio 4 for Radio 1: it’s just wrong. It doesn’t work. It can never feel comfortable.

I feel sullied.

Perspective

Perspective. What is it?

A different viewpoint. Looking at the same subject matter with at an alternative mental relationship. Giving something its correct amount of importance.

Sometimes is as simple as trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes … not possible in reality, but as a temporary exercise it may just work, to imagine what this same situation MAY just look like from their eyes, with their history and way of thinking.

Get some perspective today. I’m doing so.

Learning something new

Each day, it is possible to learn something new. It should be mandatory.

Today I learnt something new about my feelings and I learnt a new way to look at an old situation, a different way to approach it.
Someone suggested a fresh attitude to something and it was as if a light bulb was switched on in my head! I had an Eureka! moment ... and it was all good.

New things are not always fearless, that is an aspect that we have to deal with as we move along life's path. I believe that we are equipped to deal with these challenges because of what we gain in all our yesterdays.

I will look at this particular situation differently now. I believe it will be better for me, and all concerned.

Thank you to my friend for suggesting a novel idea. It's good to be open to receive fresh perspectives.