I did it to myself

I am suffering and I did it to myself so this is not a pity party post.

I do not use a lot of sugar in my foods. I usually have sugar in herbal teas ... and that’s it. But the other day I decided that I wanted something sweet. Fine, you may say, and it would have been if I indulged in moderation, but I guess I am an excessive person in particular things – especially those I have avoided for a while.

Just to make it clear, I don’t crave sugar at all. I can do without it – in fact I don’t usually consider it as part of my eating habits. It’s useful in some cooking, but that’s about it as far as I’m concerned. Don’t I sound righteous? Well, before you envy me let me tell you that some decades ago before I was a vegan I was also a chocoholic! Belgian chocolates – especially Guylian (a whole 500g box would sit on my desk for ... well, long hours – until I’d eaten them all!),

Cadbury’s Whole Nut, Bounty bars, Flakes, Marathons (aka Snickers), Aero, Crunchies, Yorkies, Kit Kats and Maltesers. The list was varied and almost endless. I stopped only because although I enjoyed eating it the after effects were terrible. My migraines would last for weeks. Some things, no matter how wonderful they are, are really not worth the pain you get in your life.

Now I have a headache just thinking about the chocolate.

But I seemed to forget that last week when I went into the shop and stopped at the pic’n’mix section. I just wanted something sweet. I missed the taste ... and it was right there just waiting for me to get it. On the way home I had a few sweets. They raced around my body giving me a pleasantly strange sensation so I ate some more. My later meal seemed bland compared to the immediate highs of the sugar rush.

A few hours later I started to come down. The headache arrived and my body felt sluggish. I just wanted to sleep it off. I felt sick and you know what? Yes, that’s right I wanted to get rid of that feeling so I thought of eating some more sweets! Ridiculous I know but that’s where I was at that moment. I wanted to feel good (sugar did that) I wanted to do it immediately (it was accessible) so ... I went to the cupboard and opened it up, reached in and – closed the bag tightly.

Then I poured myself a glass of water and drank that instead.

No way did that give me the rush that I craved, but I knew it was better for me in the long run. I felt cheated. Normally water is refreshing, this time it felt like a very poor substitute for my desires.

So, that’s where I am now, still crashing from my sugar high. And I am asking myself was it really worth it?

Some days

Some days all you want to feel is that sense of being fully accepted for who you are.

Some days all you want is to feel the tingle of excitement when you think of that significant person.

Some days all you want is to savour the thought, the sound and the feel of that special name in your mind, in your mouth and in your body...

Passion is ... attractive

Laws of Attraction

Feeling attracted to someone can come upon you suddenly. The psychologists say that you decide within a matter of seconds whether or not you are attracted to someone.

It can be a word.

It can be a look.

It can be a picture.

All it takes is a moment of a moment and the process begins.

It may be a mere glance. But with the connection the computer centre of the body feels the pull towards the source of delight. The engines are fired and the wings are unfurled as the heart takes flight towards the goal.

I was not expected anything, so it was a very pleasant surprise as my heart started to beat faster when this attraction grabbed me. I could not focus on the matter in hand. All I wanted to do was to have my attraction verified and reciprocated.

I scanned for any clues that would indicate if this person could sense my attraction and if they had been struck by it too. In the mean time I tried not to be too obvious. I knew my body was betraying me. I could feel every part of my body glowing and the pheromones were firing like the guns on a practice range. Intensity filled the air and I struggled to breathe.

Attraction is beautifully enchanting.

It is always a great feeling of superb and delightful intensity.

Passion is urgency.

Passion

True passion – for there is no other type of passion – is like an eclipse. The passion controls your attention as everything else fades to the background. Other things are not totally blocked out but, for a while, they are less significant in importance than this new interest.

New passions are always exciting. When a new passion grabs my attention I get swept along on the tidal wave of emotion. I want to immerse myself totally in this new subject, activity, or person. The adrenalin levels peak and most other things in my life become like the corona of the sun. The amount of time invested in an activity is directly related to the intensity of the passion.

Passion does not ever end - if an interest ends then I would suggest that it was just that, an interest, not a passion.

Even after the passing of time, the change of location, the alteration of circumstances, the passion will remain. It may smoulder out of the direct eye line of many, but within the heart of the one who feels it, the passion never dies.

With a familiar passion there are constant reminders of what first ignited that fire of desire. These things can occur at any time, in any place, and they are brilliant assailants. They storm my hidden places and the familiar excitement will make my pulse run faster, make my eyes shine brighter and graft that deep wide smile of satisfaction throughout my whole being.

Passion is beautiful.

Passion is life enhancing.

Passion is passionate.

Embrace passion and enjoy the ride.

“True art, like passion, is equally permanent.”

John Bayley. The Red Hat.

All the great events in life are a search for happiness.

It takes courage to go after happiness.
Be courageous today.
Get going …

Identify what makes you happy. This should not be too hard. If it is hard then that means that you have been living without happiness for far to long. Take time to find out what makes you happy. You deserve to know happiness. This is not questionable.

We are often so busy making sure others are ok that we neglect our own happiness. This martyrdom is not appreciated by anyone, and we ourselves, eventually start to feel resentful of others. We become unable to fully share in other peoples’ joy of life; the elation they express is alien to us. In fact, when we avoid the things that delight us individually, we waste our time, our lives and exist in the shadows of life. Time cannot be recaptured.

Once you know, really know, what makes you happy then it is your duty to yourself to ensure you include whatever it is in your life on a regular basis. The torment of being void of happiness will pass and the happiness will stay. The journey of discovery will not be pain free, but it will be worth it. You will expose your desires and when you are open and defenceless you may well crave the safety of the past quiet existence. Don’t give in to this temporary fear. It will soon pass.

Remember, there is not just one form of happiness for each person. We are many faceted and so is our potential for pleasure. From the simplest things like seeing a small child knee high in grass reaching for a daisy, and then you catch yourself instinctively smiling at a stranger who has also experienced the simple moment of utter joy and innocence. Delight is all around us. Every day. Having happiness as part of daily life will make you smile from the core of your being. It cannot be compared to any other feeling.
Find it! It’s important.

Do not be bound by any one mind-set of how to proceed on this journey. You are an original. Your pleasure and how you experience it is unique to you.
The risk of doing nothing considerably outweighs the risk of action towards personal bliss.

How can you know that it’s worth the risk? Stagnation may seem comfortable but to exist in a changeless situation is dangerous; it leads to inevitable deterioration of your spirit and a living death.

So, the answer is simple. Doing nothing towards being happy is wasting your time as a human being. We are designed to experience joy, yet we have become so adept at avoiding happiness through culturalisation. We become so busy being busy that we have become proficient at neglecting that essential part of ourselves. The passion that is yours is individually you and will be found in the place that is right for you. Only you will know that it is absolutely right. You will feel it, you will know instinctively.


In the words of Nina Simone you can get to a place when you are ‘feeling good’.

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
…

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
…

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel


Once you find that you have a passion for something, you’ll be amazed at the pleasure it continually brings you. The simplest things can give you a whole new dimension to living. Life is meant for living. This is an experience we are supposed to be active in. Life is for the living.

Love is at the core of a passionate life. However, loving another person is not the only way to happiness.

However, you need to love yourself enough to want to be happy. There is no big enough reason not to want to be happy. Loving yourself should be natural. If it is no longer natural, for whatever reason that has affected your life, then take the time to relearn what was originally part of your make-up when you were born. Any intervening trauma or pain must be relegated to your past. This moment is your present. This is when you must find the happiness, now. Plan for it in your future as well.

Starting today … make good memories.

Make time to have the freedom to find happiness in your life. Make today that ‘new dawn, new day, new life …’ because you deserve it.

I dare you to be happy.