I did it to myself

I am suffering and I did it to myself so this is not a pity party post.

I do not use a lot of sugar in my foods. I usually have sugar in herbal teas ... and that’s it. But the other day I decided that I wanted something sweet. Fine, you may say, and it would have been if I indulged in moderation, but I guess I am an excessive person in particular things – especially those I have avoided for a while.

Just to make it clear, I don’t crave sugar at all. I can do without it – in fact I don’t usually consider it as part of my eating habits. It’s useful in some cooking, but that’s about it as far as I’m concerned. Don’t I sound righteous? Well, before you envy me let me tell you that some decades ago before I was a vegan I was also a chocoholic! Belgian chocolates – especially Guylian (a whole 500g box would sit on my desk for ... well, long hours – until I’d eaten them all!),

Cadbury’s Whole Nut, Bounty bars, Flakes, Marathons (aka Snickers), Aero, Crunchies, Yorkies, Kit Kats and Maltesers. The list was varied and almost endless. I stopped only because although I enjoyed eating it the after effects were terrible. My migraines would last for weeks. Some things, no matter how wonderful they are, are really not worth the pain you get in your life.

Now I have a headache just thinking about the chocolate.

But I seemed to forget that last week when I went into the shop and stopped at the pic’n’mix section. I just wanted something sweet. I missed the taste ... and it was right there just waiting for me to get it. On the way home I had a few sweets. They raced around my body giving me a pleasantly strange sensation so I ate some more. My later meal seemed bland compared to the immediate highs of the sugar rush.

A few hours later I started to come down. The headache arrived and my body felt sluggish. I just wanted to sleep it off. I felt sick and you know what? Yes, that’s right I wanted to get rid of that feeling so I thought of eating some more sweets! Ridiculous I know but that’s where I was at that moment. I wanted to feel good (sugar did that) I wanted to do it immediately (it was accessible) so ... I went to the cupboard and opened it up, reached in and – closed the bag tightly.

Then I poured myself a glass of water and drank that instead.

No way did that give me the rush that I craved, but I knew it was better for me in the long run. I felt cheated. Normally water is refreshing, this time it felt like a very poor substitute for my desires.

So, that’s where I am now, still crashing from my sugar high. And I am asking myself was it really worth it?