What are you saying to me?

Letter to some of my siblings

It must have been (and still seems to be) hard to accept me. I say this knowing our shared history. I feel I should thank you for still talking to me the best way you can. Others (like me) have no family at all anymore.

I have always been me, it’s just that you know more about me now.

Did you know that I know that the best body language readers are those who need to know how others feel about them when there is a verbal communication barrier? I learnt to see what you were thinking even when your mouths were silent. I had to become sensitive to the language of non-verbal communication; it never lied to me.

With the evident discomfort I see you in sometimes I often wonder if being totally separated from your family for good is better or is this facade easier to deal with?

I’m wondering from your point of view because I know it’s not easy to deal with from where I am. Most of the time I feel like an uninvited guest in my own family. It seems you want me to leave, but you know it’s not polite to say so.

My question is when did etiquette ever stop you before? I have heard so many tirades and rants I wonder what’s holding you back now. Not politeness I’m sure.

Then again, I could have all this wrong and you feel no different about me than you ever did. It’s just that the strained silences in the few conversations we now have and the increasing lack of contact seem to indicate otherwise. I only say this because I noticed that when I stopped travelling to see you I never actually got to see you at all. We used to talk so often. I miss those times but I grow tired of initiating contact all the time. Then again, maybe your life is just so busy that you don’t have time to get in touch.

Am I making excuses again?

All I know is that after a while the uninvited guest gets the message and leaves. Is it my time?

Wherever I am and wherever you are I want you to know that I’ll still love you and I do understand. Remember I was there, I shared that upbringing as well. The rest, since we’ve all grown up, is up to us. We can’t blame the past for every decision we make today.

I just wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking about you and I do miss you.

M.