These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.
Showing posts with label hard times. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hard times. Show all posts

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Goodbye isn’t easy


Saying Goodbye isn’t easy especially when you have watched someone suffer before they fall asleep that final time. Sometimes there aren’t enough words to say what you feel at the time. On other occasion there isn’t adequate time to convey the deepest sentiments.

There are, however, some opportunities to spend time in peace and quiet with a loved one and share a gentle farewell. Those who have this may feel blessed, but I’m sure that they may still feel there isn’t enough time.

It may never be enough where love is central. I understand that.

And afterwards, when the final goodbyes have been shared, the chasm may seem un-breachable because everywhere you look or move there is unbearable pain and a sense of unfathomable loss. Goodbyes are eternally hard.



I’ve been writing this for weeks and been unable to finish it. Maybe I’m also having a hard time with the particular parting that has been on my mind for a while. It could be that it reminds me of all the others.

I tried to write again, but was unable to. I put it down and focussed on something else. Then I heard that since I revisited this topic today another precious soul has gone to sleep.

Although she did not have any part in the British-Caribbean tradition wherein I grew up, I am using this opportunity to say those familiar words used at traditional graveside partings, “Good night, dear friend. I’ll see you in the morning.”


Friday, 11 November 2011

Remembering ... my brother



© Marjorie H Morgan 2011

For M.G.R.
Remembering ... my brother

My brother was a soldier, he went to war.
He fought proudly for Queen and country.

My brother was a soldier.
His life was a war.

I remember
I used to pretend that
my brother was not a soldier
so I could sleep
at night.

Wars devastate
families
every day as
they bite and tear at hearts and
spit them out on barren ground.

War is hatred wrapped in metal.
War is a monster under the bed.
War is a thief ... of lives, dreams and a future.

I remember when my brother was a soldier.

The heavy
airmail letters bore whispers of hopes
as they thudded on the doormat.

The brief visits home held 
 unspoken dreams and fears distant
at the sharp point of the invisible bayonet -
all family eyes saw the pain
as he shone his
boots to remove the past.

There is no peace
when your brother is a soldier,
there is no peace
when familial familiarity shrivels
in the face of  unspoken horrors.

War diminishes lives.

Yet, I remember
that my brother was a soldier,
proud and strong,
loyal and true.

I remember
that my brother
always came back,
sometimes without his shadow ...
other brothers did not return.

Today, I remember
all the soldiers
who are my other brothers.
The brothers who are like moths
drawn to the flame of war
that scorches their souls,
that steals their eternal youth.

I remember.


© Marjorie H Morgan 2011 













Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Mountains of Pleasure and Valleys of Loss


Let me start this off by saying I have a good life, I really do. But sometimes, in the middle of the mountains of pleasure that I experience for the majority of the time, I can fall into the deep, deep crevasse that is my personal valley of loss.

It is a long way down. I don’t know when I will stumble into it, but when I do I just stay still and cry.

The tears that flow do not trickle out of me, they pour rapidly and my body shakes with the immense pain of the loss. And it’s not just one loss that I feel when I am temporarily trapped in this valley: it is all the losses of all my time. I feel total devastation.

This is not a trite recollection of some ancient time. This is fresh.

I am in the valley now.

I have been here before. However, I do know that my tears will provide the leverage to float me free of my depths and I will once again walk the mountain paths.

A memory triggered me and I slipped. Losing my footing I went into free fall. I’m not sure whether it was the bruising on the way down that hurts my chest now or the actual pain of ejecting the tears from my body, but I ache as I cry.

As I fell I reached out for something to save me, alas all I caught were more links to losses in my life and they tumbled down the valley with me.

As I sat, dejected on the floor, the images of people and places flickered before me. They will never be replaced, they are gone – forever. And that is why this journey into loss hurts so much each time it catches me unawares.

It is hard to see clearly as my eyes are filled with water, but my heart also replays the images with no loss of definition. So I remember it all.

And then, suddenly, I breathe. I exhale.

I notice the tears have stopped and I have the strength to stand again.

127 Hours dir. Danny Boyle

Falteringly at first I do stand up and then, looking up to the brilliant skies and welcoming faces that are peering down to me from the top of the mountain, I begin to climb back to the top. The people in my life now are calling me back; they are willing me to quickly ascend the valley to be with them. I smile and wipe away the tears as I climb.

It does not take too long before I am again on the mountain enjoying the pleasure with my friends and loved ones.

The loss is always there and I know that sometimes I will fall back into it. I also know that I always rise again.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Good times and bad times



Recently it must be said that I have been feeling sorry for myself because I had a cold. Yes, that’s all it was, a cold. It was at times difficult to function because I couldn’t breathe or see properly but, as with all things, I knew that it would pass. You see, I’ve had colds before and they have also passed. Anyway, this one day I was finding it particularly difficult to concentrate and I felt like I had a bit of a temperature but regardless I needed to get some groceries so I went to the supermarket and selected the few essentials that would keep us going for a few days.

I was minding my own business. I was in my own world. I was wallowing, quite happily, when a chain of events happened that altered my view of my situation.

I held the corner of the magazine in the tips of my fingers. I had seen it slipping off the conveyer belt as the purchases of the woman in from of me inched towards the cashier. I didn’t plan to catch it. I just did.

There was a split second between me catching sight of it and the catch. I moved quickly and precisely. Both the cashier and the shopper ahead of me turned with looks of wonder on their faces.

“Good catch!” the mystery woman with the bright blue eyes exclaimed. She smiled at me.

I shrugged and placed the magazine back on the belt.

The cashier turned to me and questioned, “Are your reflexes always that quick?”

I hesitated and mumbled a reply. I didn’t know. I just caught something that was falling. To me it was no big deal. But to them it was a matter of wonder and conversation. People were looking at me and smiling. I just wanted to get the few items of shopping and leave. Despite my reluctance to draw attention to this small feat – it was after all a magazine and not a baby that I caught – I spoke to the cashier as he was scanning my items. He was very friendly and wanted to talk to all his customers.

When I reached for my receipt and change I caught a glimpse of his name badge; I had never seen that name before: Awaab.

“That’s a name I’m not familiar with,” I said as I tried to pronounce it.

My efforts were greeted with another broad smile. “That’s right,” he grinned, “you said it right.”

“Where does your name originate?” I asked as I put my things away.

“The Koran.” His answer was short and succinct.

I pressed him for more information while the customer behind me was unloading his purchases from his basket.

“What does it mean?” I gently questioned as I could sense that he anticipated a lack of interest once he had mentioned a Muslim name. He was obviously reluctant to say more without some feeling safe.

The relief on his face was clear when he realised that I was genuinely interested.

“It means that means you remember God in good times ... and in bad,” he smiled.

“I like that,” I responded, “something to really remember. Thank you.”

With that I said goodbye and let the next customer pay for his goods. As I picked up my bag Awabb turned back to me and gave me the thumbs up sign.


Monday, 1 November 2010

Manflu


Achoo!

If I were a man I could claim I had manflu. Men even have a support websites with paypal!

As it is I am a woman, a mother, and I have work to do... so I just have to get on with it.

Oh, to have the excuses that the weaker XY chromosome holders have. Then I could open this package.


As with my male counterparts all sympathy and offers of tea, chicken-soup or the like are welcome.

Achoo!

In the meantime I’ll just be unwell between my chores ... or when I’m sleeping.

Now that’s a good idea. Zzzzz


Thursday, 29 April 2010

Lethargy and dust…

© Tara Bradford


Lethargy can cause a build up of dust.

If you become tired, listless, or fatigued the relatively minor problem of a few specks of dust can easily be ignored. Then the lethargy can become a parallel problem with the dust as they both build.

Dust and the lethargy may both seem insignificant at first but if you ignore either for too long it is a major task to shift it as together they increase to seemingly unmanageable proportions.

When you are exhausted – of everything – the last thing you want to do is to dust! The effort to remove the mental fatigue from your body becomes an arduous job. It’s hard to think when you can’t think.

Being lethargic can mean you just can’t be bothered to move any more. A state of drowsiness overtakes you. Your mind wants to stop processing information or making good decisions. When the tiredness is extreme you can exist in a state of indifference. Then the dust is insignificant – if you acknowledge it at all!

If at all possible it’s best not to let either nutritional lethargy … or dust, get a foothold in your life.

I’m off to dust …

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