Remembering ... my brother

© Marjorie H Morgan 2011

For M.G.R.

Remembering ... my brother

My brother was a soldier, he went to war.

He fought proudly for Queen and country.

My brother was a soldier.

His life was a war.

I remember

I used to pretend that

my brother was not a soldier

so I could sleep

at night.

Wars devastate

families

every day as

they bite and tear at hearts and

spit them out on barren ground.

War is hatred wrapped in metal.

War is a monster under the bed.

War is a thief ... of lives, dreams and a future.

I remember when my brother was a soldier.

The heavy

airmail letters bore whispers of hopes

as they thudded on the doormat.

The brief visits home held 

 unspoken dreams and fears distant

at the sharp point of the invisible bayonet -

all family eyes saw the pain

as he shone his

boots to remove the past.

There is no peace

when your brother is a soldier,

there is no peace

when familial familiarity shrivels

in the face of  unspoken horrors.

War diminishes lives.

Yet, I remember

that my brother was a soldier,

proud and strong,

loyal and true.

I remember

that my brother

always came back,

sometimes without his shadow ...

other brothers did not return.

Today, I remember

all the soldiers

who are my other brothers.

The brothers who are like moths

drawn to the flame of war

that scorches their souls,

that steals their eternal youth.

I remember.

© Marjorie H Morgan 2011 

Fighting fear

“Fear. It strikes silently but deeply. The pain starts to build deep in my stomach. A small bolus at first, then the size builds and swells across the entire breadth of my midriff. The sense of fear reaches up and grasps my throat. I now have difficulty in breathing. My whole body has joined in this reaction to meeting somebody. The person is not unknown. But the meeting is to talk about myself. Deep things within my heart. Can I do it? I’m not sure I can walk through the door, but know I must. The pain surges in a wave towards my breast bone. I glance at the clock and know I have just 6 minutes to calm my breathing down and reduce my pulse rate. I am so hot. I shake. Despite acknowledging what I feel, I still feel it. Fear. It won’t go away. I have to take it with me to see my counsellor. Shaking, I get out of the car and walk in. The room makes me spin. I sit down quickly and wait for my name to be called. All the time my stomach churns as if I was going to sit an exam.

She opens the door and smiles. I am not convinced but move towards her anyway. Fear goes in first and sits in a chair mocking me, daring me to speak from my heart. I cry for a while then the words start and fear subsides and starts to disappear in front of my eyes.”

August 2002 journal entry

© Marjorie H Morgan

Wars and warriors

Wars and Warriors. These are not foreign words to us, they are, sadly, familiar everyday terms that are often viewed in a negative way. And in the same way as people reclaim things that have been stripped away from them I am reclaiming these words in a positive manner.

I am a warrior. I am a warrior because I have been through several personal wars. I have been through them. I have survived.

Like many fighters before me I sometimes suffer from shell-shock after the battle. I am often weak in my will and this shock has manifested itself in my life in various ways that can, in the harsh light of day, be seen as abuse. My way of hurting and protecting myself at the same time may be different to yours. There is work abuse, food abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse – we all reach for something to numb the pain of reality in a cruel world. But I have realised that being cruel to myself is not a good path to take as I am just replacing one battle with another different one that I will still have to fight another day. I’ll either have to fight against it or succumb to it, and the desire within me to achieve my dreams will not rest, so I have to fight.

With success after each conflict I learn tactics that enable me to defeat other skirmishes before they have laid their foundations in my life.

It is with great joy that I announce that I am a warrior who is fighting for my life, the way I want to live it!

Forward!

Leopards in your life

When you are unwell you develop a familiarity with the illness that has visited you.

You know all about it. You learn all about it. Despite this intimate bond, this closeness, you want the unwelcome visitor gone as soon as possible.

With a cold or the flu you know the symptoms and the approximate length of stay. You follow the course of the visit with interest, waiting for the tell-tale signs that the virus is packing up and ready to leave. You celebrate its departure with long deep breaths and cough-free nights. And you remind yourself that it was an unpleasant visit and do your best to avoid it in the future.

With chronic illnesses you sometimes try to forget that it is part of your being. When you have lived with it for any extended amount of time for the most part you ignore it. You work your way through life adapting to its hold on your existence. This may not seem like a good way to treat a guest but sometimes it is the only way.

Like the leopards in the rainforest that adapt to any kind of environment and eat almost any kind of food, so it is with some sicknesses that we have to endure. Leopards attack things much bigger than themselves and are not easily defeated. But they can be overcome with the right tactics, skills and knowledge.

In order to attack the leopard illness you have to really understand how it works. Sometimes it seems like you sneak up on it unawares and attack it with both medication and positivity, especially when it appears like there is an optimism drought within you and around you.

As humans we have a unique talent to overcome the most daunting situations. We have untapped resources within us. We often reach into our unknown reserves when the prospects seem final. And repeatedly we triumph.

Parents single-handedly lift cars off their trapped children as the adrenalin courses through them in the high stress situation. At times like this the normal boundaries of our voluntary capabilities are surpassed and our limitations alter.

When we become the leopards in our own jungles, in our own lives, we can adapt and survive most odds against us. Threats make new resources accessible within us. We must use these resources. We need to embrace the mental agility to use the available information and directly focus our newly found energy against whatever threatens us and we will survive to walk in peace another day.

It's not fair!

It’s unfair!

I know it’s unfair.

I could list a whole string of events and situations that I think are unfair and I’m sure that anyone could do the same. They could do it right now, without a second thought. A long list could appear that will detail all the unfair things in my world, in your world, in THE world.

I know that it is an undeniable fact that things happen in this world that ARE unfair.

The question that I need to answer when this happens is what am I going to do about it?

I’m not a fighter by nature but sometimes you have to struggle to achieve your goals. You have to fight to gain the change you need.

You have to put the effort in to achieve your dream result.

You have to get training.

It’s time to get into the training mode.

I know that this is my time.

This is it.

I have found my gentle and determined fighter within and I am active to make things fair, to make them different, and to make a change.