Big People

When I was a child I remember my parents used to go into the sacred ‘front room’ and close the door when we had certain visitors. Well, I mean when they had visitors. Their friends and relatives would be shown into the best room and we, as children would be left outside.

If we dared to venture in to the room while they were talking we would be shooed out again especially if we dared to speak. It paid to be like the embossed flowery wallpaper – obviously there, but after a while unnoticed.

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When we spoke it was like being at a tennis match, all heads turned to us and a chorus of dissent reached our ears. This was sometime accompanied by a slap if the interruption was way out of place.

The words that were slapped into our bare legs were invariably some variation of, “Big people are talking!”

As we retreated to the dining room or garden I think we children wondered how the ‘big people’ always got their own way and got to make all the decisions.

It came to me the other day that all those people are now gone or going. A friend was talking about the death of her father’s best friend. I recently attended the funeral of another friend’s father, there is death all around and it has sadly become an intimate associate in recent times. All the ‘big people’ I knew have gone or are currently going.

It hurts. It really hurts.

The most recent departure of a loved one has made me realise that we are the big people now. We have to support and comfort each other as we journey on. We have to make the decisions.

It does hurt, but we will make it through. Together.

Future conditioning

No matter what ‘condition’ you inhabit it is your RESPONSE to that condition that is a major factor in indicating what your future is likely to be.

(from a discussion at the University of Oxford 25^th October 2011)

Your mind’s thinking and learnt responses can direct your future paths. Learn better.

“Education either functions as an instrument which is used to facilitate integration of the younger generation into the logic of the present system and bring about conformity or it becomes the practice of freedom, the means by which men and women deal critically and creatively with reality and discover how to participate in the transformation of their world.” Paulo Freire, Pedagogy of the Oppressed.

Voices

It takes time to adjust to new sounds, especially to new voices. And before you know it, it’s as if you’ve heard that voice your whole life.

Before actually hearing a voice I have built up an audio track of what I perceive that voice to sound like. And what I have discovered is that it always sounds – in some degree – like me!

I have a tendency to fashion ideas and project my perceptions based on what is in my head. Then when the real thing comes along I have to make some adjustments. Then, it is all done. And before long, I can’t remember what that previous voice sounded like again ... even though I used to think it sounded different to me. It was me, but not me.

When the new sound is pleasant it immediately finds a place in my memory bank and the old recording is wiped away.

I like voices. They bring new adventures with each cadence and different stress on special words. Voices are more than words, they are individual characters.

Forgetfulness

There are some things in this world that make me forgetful and for that I am grateful.

I forget that some people are spiteful. I forget that some events are painful. I even forget that people hate me.

The things that give me memory loss? Well, they are other memories, different memories and wonderful living realities.

The memory of a smile; the beauty of a kiss; the joy of an unexpected flower; the knowledge that someone special has been thinking about you; caring words from someone who knows; the pleasure of a promise fulfilled.

I like being forgetful about the bad way things are and remembering the good way they are and will be.

It is exciting to see the world this brighter way.

Healthy connections

There are times when other people’s anger seems to seep through the atmosphere and touch you almost the same as new blood soaking through a white handkerchief. Then, like an oasis in the desert, you find a spot of hope.

I know someone who no longer likes me (this is not such a strange phenomenon until you know that for well over a decade we were very close - by mutual choice). For the first time in nearly four years we were in the same place at the same time. This was by design - but not mine.

I didn’t know she was going to be there, but seeing her didn’t make me feel comfortable. Nevertheless, I stayed.

I felt her dislike reaching across the space towards me like the tentacles of an octopus. Others who also felt it kindly came and buffered the pain as I was there on my own and I felt that I was drowning in it for a while.

Even though that part of the experience was hurtful, the thing I remember most about this occasion is what a man said in a speech. His words were like healing balm that distracted me from the dislike directed at me. He said that there is so much anger and upset in this world that sometimes we forget the beauty around us, sometimes we forget that with each touch of friendship we have fresh witness of the love of God in our lives.

That made me smile and remember wonderful people whom I have got to know and love.

To each person that I have ever been blessed to connect with I thank God that He has used you to remind me of just how much love He has for me. That alone can blot out any anger or dislike from those who have severed connections.

Sometimes we have to let go of those who would poison us with their negativity and when we have sutured the wound we can make fresh and healthy contacts.

Each new friend is another manifestation of the magnificence of God – just as you are.

Shame

Shame can paralyse you and steal your time.

When I feel a sense of shame I am usually alone in my experience. It’s just me and my shame trying to duck out of view for as long as possible.

Shame also generates other feelings of an equally negative nature.

On the odd occasions that I have been part of a group that feels collective shame - we may have been witnesses to circumstances that cause us to huddle together in our shared sense of regret, then I find we all try to distract ourselves by shifting focus from the source of the shame to some other, any other, banal fact. This is an automatic response, it is as though it has been pre-programmed, we just do it.

Whatever the means that occur to make me shame-filled – thinking something improper has occurred, then I have an associated painful feeling filtering throughout my entire body. I usually don’t know where to look or what to say, the sense of humiliation or embarrassment becomes the only feeling that I am aware of at that time.

If the event is caused by the actions of someone else then, sometimes, it is easier to transcend the shame – unless the person is closely related to me. If my own self-respect or pride has been injured then I may have increased difficulty in passing through the ‘shame time’ in my life because, in my opinion, part of the means over overcoming shame is to acknowledge the situation that caused it in the first place, to identify why it generates those feelings. This is a process of assessing my relationship with the events and the people concerned.

This practice has, in the past, proved a major stumbling block for me because of what I believed about myself and my place or ‘value’ in all relationships. You see, I have always been reluctant to share intimate details about myself (this blog is not an example of intimacy but it is an example of sharing parts of myself) for fear of ridicule and censure. Early experiences left strong memories that were hard to remove.

Now I can easily think of an example where I remember thinking that I had really let myself down by the things I did and said. When I examined the motivation behind my actions I felt deeply ashamed. And before backing out of that situation and facing the shame I carried on under the cover of my embarrassment – this is not a recommended course of action – it only made things a lot worse and the shame became more deeply entrenched in my being.

I know how bad it is to feel as if you are wrong, and also know that you could alter the situation but you become paralysed with fear because you know you have to go through the wall of shame first.

I have wasted many years (yes, that’s right – when I look back I know that it totals up to years) of living wrong, of knowing I had the means to start again but feeling afraid of the doubt that was building up in me as I procrastinated and delayed my decision. As time passed I gained companion feelings for my shame, so it was no longer lonely, I added doubts and resentments to the package.

But one day I did release the shackles and after the period of intense darkness I inhabited there came a different time that was a mixture of both sorrow and gladness.

Sorrow because I took so long to move into what was undoubtedly a better way of living for me, and gladness because the shame was eventually over.

I am glad that I have a slightly better understanding of the power of shame and I am so glad that I know it is possible to move past shame ... repeatedly. I still make mistakes where I hang my head in shame but I believe now that I can get past them.

Electric Avenue

Where I was born in the country we had lots of trees. In fact, there was loads of everything green. You name it, bushes, hedges, copses – we had them all. The last street we lived in before moving from the county of my birth was called Avenue Road. Outside of our front gate was a huge tree, right in the road. So looking out of the front bedroom windows we saw greenery as the main focus of the street. We had apple and pear trees in our garden as well as our own allotment area.

Country living was part of my parents’ background and so they attempted to continue that in our English homes.

The trees that were an everyday part of our view were evenly spaced on both sides of the road - from the top to the bottom. The few cars that were owned then would be parked between the trees on the edge of the road. The trees, not the cars, were the main feature of the road.

Now, in the town where I live, when I walk on the streets the main thing I see is a plethora of black, grey and white satellite dishes – bearing the script of many languages.

It’s like living in Electric Avenue (and not the Eddie Grant version either!).

The End ... The Beginning

I am afflicted, nay blessed, with double vision. This binocular sight is not in the same sense as one normally thinks of this perception. In my particular case I saw a single end (and beginning) because of my view into my own heart and into the heart of my child.

Just three years ago I made a momentous decision to end my decade-plus long relationship. Today, after years of separation, it is legally finished. There will not be a great celebration, no party or champagne corks popping, just a moment to breathe and exhale as I step from the end of this phase into the beginning of the next one.

I am glad that I looked deeply and made the right choice: I have no regrets.

I have never been one to slate my ex partners. We were together because there was something good between us – usually love. We parted because of many different reasons - all of them based on it being the right time for us to go our separate ways. But today is about closing the door on a part of my history and continuing to create my present with my family. As a unit, we are, as the saying goes “small but perfectly formed”.

By the end of today I will truly be able to say ... “It is finished” in the style of the Master orator. A chapter of my life will be legally over and I am happy in a calm way.

Seasonally adjusted

Apparently, the cold spell has arrived, without warning the temperature dropped as did the leaves. The frost fell overnight, it was on the cars and the roads, even the grass was crisp underfoot. A crunch of ice was heard with each fresh step on the pavement. This was my morning wake-up call as I noticed that everything had changed.

I realised that I would have to enter into a new phase of my oh-so-British obsession with the weather for this end of the year. The Americans would call this season 'Fall' - I begin to understand the term now. Everything falls.

Yesterday evening there was a significant drop in temperature to below 8 C. The night dragged the temperature lower still. This morning it had not risen much above 2 C. I knew for sure that the new season had arrived. In a mere twenty four hours the temperature has fallen by over 10 C. My heart dropped with the mercury.

Although the sun is shining brightly in the clear blue sky it is no consolation to my bones. I don't like the cold weather. That is the only reason why I have not yet moved to a country I love so much: Canada (the Canadians do have better systems for dealing with the cold than us Brits do so it is still a serious consideration).

When a cousin first arrived in England from Jamaica he awoke the first morning and looked out of the bedroom window. As I passed by his opened door I saw him stood there with a puzzled look settled on his brow. I asked if he was OK.

"Nah man," he answered. "I see the sun shining but me caant feel it. Me nuh understaand whaa gwann."

"Welcome to the mocking sun," I replied with sardonic laughter. "This is Britain in November. You left the warmth near the equator I’m afraid."

It looked like the same sun he saw every day of his life in Jamaica, and indeed it was but from this different physical perspective the sun did not touch him as it did just one day earlier.

Things are not always as they seem. Things are not always as we are used to them. The familiar things fall away and are replaced by new strange times.

We will adjust – it just takes time.

From my late evening excursions yesterday I began to think about the layers of clothing I will have to wear now. Layers of protection against the persistent pain of the near zero weather. The wind is the worst. It works in conjunction with the sun and creeps upon you unawares. Unsettling you without warning.

There is nothing I can do to stop the weather change. What I can do is to adjust my behaviour to match it and manage my attitude through this fall time. I have to focus on the things I can control; the cold weather is not one of them.

By the time we British have adjusted to the cold weather it will be spring again and the earth will be bringing forth new life. We can have our own spring in our lives at any time. When the autumn or fall visits us we must, like I did today, dress appropriately and plan to suit the current time. There is no point acting like you are in yesterday or tomorrow. We must dress both our bodies and our minds to best equip us to deal with the wind and the frost that may beset us on our paths. We must deal with the present because this is where we are.

As soon as this season in my life is complete the next one will appear and I will be ready. I will see the signs.

We have today. We have now.

I, for one, am using my fall time to see the beauty around me and find my moments of happiness in each and every day.

I may, however, be doing it wearing a hat, scarf, gloves, thermals ... you get the picture I’m sure.

New day, new me

Change is constant. Nothing new in that statement, I’m sure you will agree. After all we are all aware that everything is changing around us all the time.

What I have found is that there is a more dramatic change occurring inside each of us, each day. This is especially true when something big happens.

This “something big” is relative to each person. For me, this month, it is the legal return to my individual status. I will no longer be associated with one particular person: my divorce (dissolution – to give it its correct legal term) is being finalised. The solicitor sent me a letter giving me the date when all will be returned to normal. I say “normal”, but I am aware that the normality that I had before I entered into my civil partnership has passed and I will be going forward, not backward, to a new normality. Nothing about me is being dissolved although something new is definitely emerging. Phoenix-like I am rising.

I am at the same time excited and nervous. I know that externally nothing about me will have changed. I separated from my ex-partner over three years ago and I have since been blessed with new and beautiful experiences of love. In the interim period I have grown in so many ways. I have been blessed with the constant love from a wonderful child and I have met so many new friends. My mind has reached a place of peace that I had once thought unattainable. Each day I gain more blessings by being able to live my dream. I am constantly experiencing change and coming face to face with opportunities that can be described as “something big”.

I believe that each time we experience dramatic events in our lives we have an absolute alteration within ourselves. This is sometime linked to a sense of agitation and a perception of whirling on blankness.

Each time the rotation ceases I can step forward into a new day and a new me.

Leopards in your life

When you are unwell you develop a familiarity with the illness that has visited you.

You know all about it. You learn all about it. Despite this intimate bond, this closeness, you want the unwelcome visitor gone as soon as possible.

With a cold or the flu you know the symptoms and the approximate length of stay. You follow the course of the visit with interest, waiting for the tell-tale signs that the virus is packing up and ready to leave. You celebrate its departure with long deep breaths and cough-free nights. And you remind yourself that it was an unpleasant visit and do your best to avoid it in the future.

With chronic illnesses you sometimes try to forget that it is part of your being. When you have lived with it for any extended amount of time for the most part you ignore it. You work your way through life adapting to its hold on your existence. This may not seem like a good way to treat a guest but sometimes it is the only way.

Like the leopards in the rainforest that adapt to any kind of environment and eat almost any kind of food, so it is with some sicknesses that we have to endure. Leopards attack things much bigger than themselves and are not easily defeated. But they can be overcome with the right tactics, skills and knowledge.

In order to attack the leopard illness you have to really understand how it works. Sometimes it seems like you sneak up on it unawares and attack it with both medication and positivity, especially when it appears like there is an optimism drought within you and around you.

As humans we have a unique talent to overcome the most daunting situations. We have untapped resources within us. We often reach into our unknown reserves when the prospects seem final. And repeatedly we triumph.

Parents single-handedly lift cars off their trapped children as the adrenalin courses through them in the high stress situation. At times like this the normal boundaries of our voluntary capabilities are surpassed and our limitations alter.

When we become the leopards in our own jungles, in our own lives, we can adapt and survive most odds against us. Threats make new resources accessible within us. We must use these resources. We need to embrace the mental agility to use the available information and directly focus our newly found energy against whatever threatens us and we will survive to walk in peace another day.

Watery sunsets

Streams of unbidden tears are my company tonight. I know why … because I miss you. Several sunsets have faded into darkness since I last saw you.

Time changes shape and length with my memories.

I thought I was over you.

I thought I had healed my heart.

Alas, your absence floods every space in my limitless soul.

What a mysterious thing is love. What a marvellous gift you shared with me. I used to be sceptical but now I know that magic is real.

You showed me.

You opened not only my eyes but my heart and mind.

Since we have been apart ...

I have busied myself and buried myself in busyness.

What I thought was past crept up without warning and again assaulted my heart with sweet, tender memories of the utter joy of loving and being loved by you.

You relaxed me, excited me, challenged me and fulfilled me.

I miss your touch in my life.