Memories

We all move on. Sometimes we think that we are stuck in the present and that the present feelings will never change. If this is, as it usually is, an unpleasant experience when we are thinking about it, we internally curse our own personal hell that is a tailor made groundhog day.

With momentum comes growth and experience. And from that we learn and grow some more. It does not matter anymore that we were stuck in that moment ... because it has now passed. At the time, that moment was all that existed: it was our complete past, present and future. That moment was the sum of everything that existed in our existence.

I have had moments like that. They have passed.

Here is a fragment of one:

“Where do I start on this journey of self-discovery? Maybe at the point when I felt total release. ... It was easier that I thought. Strangely many things are easier that we worry about in advance. This was too. ... I made up my mind in a second ... and then I was full of action ... that was my life changed forever.

Am I glad I did it? Right now I have to say yes. Tomorrow I’ll say yes too but maybe with a different emphasis. But I do know that there is no possibility of return to a life where I did not feel like I really existed.

Oh yes, I was there and acted a part but it was not a part that I wanted to be in. I felt like a character actor who has been cast in the wrong role over and over again. And yet I repeatedly auditioned for the same part and was continually successful in acting at acting at being happy and settled. ... I now have to know, for sure, and always, that that is the past. Dead and buried, a bad memory.

...

How did I get here, I mean there? ... When did it become the normal way of things in my life instead of the occasional choice? Why didn’t I notice I was drowning in my own life? Now I ask myself what was so appealing about drowning?”

Taken from my journal entry called “Learning to swim”

At the time I wrote this I was just beginning to get my head above the water. Now, I am glad to say, I have achieved a beginners degree of proficiency and I can swim in the direction my life needs to be moving.

I have moved on - one stroke at a time.