Fierce protection

I will protect the people and things I love fiercely: that includes myself.

I am not habitually a violent person but once – many moons ago – when someone persistently violated my personal space I did use physical force against them.  It shook me terribly for several hours, days and weeks. I have never forgotten the feeling of impending danger that I experienced and wanted to avert. I am not proud that I used force, but I am satisfied that I did the right thing at the right time.

That said, nowadays I use (as is my lifelong practice) the verbal skills of negotiation and personal engagement to avert any crisis.

Just last week I had cause to confront two youths riding a scrambler, at speed, on a footpath where I was walking with three children.

I did not approach them with aggression, although I could have, I was just intent upon sharing my thoughts – in a calm way – about the impact their reckless actions had and could have on others.

There was an initial standoff which included revving up of the bike as the rider turned the machine back towards me in a show of aggression. I walked forward regardless. I was determined but not stupid, I quickly assessed the situation and keeping eye contact I proceeded.

Insults were thrown at me, I decided to parry them with soft words and gentle inquiries. It seemed to work. 

Within a few minutes, the rider and his pillion passenger were calmer and nodding in understanding as I spoke with them. I explained that I knew about high-spirited actions but all I was asking was that they be considerate to the possibility of not so able people walking on the foot paths.

We parted amicably. The rider smiled from behind his balaclava and winked an acknowledgement of his understanding.

I was still calm as I went back to where my son and his friends were hiding around the corner. They were all safe that day, as was I. And I know things would have been so very different.

I am not easily deterred from doing right for those who are maligned. You see, I will always remain fiercely protective of those things close to my heart.

Flood barriers

When your heart has been flooded with emotion and you really can’t take any more there is a tendency to hastily erect barriers against the deluge. The only problem here is that these temporary structures may soon become permanent fixtures in your emotional landscape.

How do I know? This has happened to me.

I did it to myself. I knew that I did it, but I forgot about them as time went by because I got used to them; they felt comfortable.

I guess it’s because of my experience in building my own barriers that I went into the bridge building industry. Now, I have tried building bridges. I have even destroyed some bridges. But the barriers around my own heart now have weeds entwining the decaying links.

There is a secret gate that I use every now and then to venture out into the world, but I have found myself scurrying back to the safety of my space. When people approach me I sometimes pretend that I’m not in, or that I don’t see them. This approach makes them give up and go away. I didn’t want anyone to have too easy access to me. When I did that before it really hurt.

However, I have called in the contractors and the barriers are coming down.

It may be a long job as the foundations have become entangled with the weeds, but it will get done.

... I see daylight.

Feeling sorry for myself

Yep! That’s me. For the last week something has been niggling at me and it keeps coming up when I least expect it.

I was in a supermarket last week and I picked up a packet off the shelf and then suddenly cried out in pain as the cardboard tore through my skin like a razor and I just felt a searing pain. I dropped the package on the floor and held my hand up. Strangely I couldn’t see the cut for a moment, but I knew it was there. The pain didn’t lie.

After what seemed like an age but was probable about 10 seconds my blood starting pouring from the cut. I didn’t cry or fall to the floor writhing in agony – as was suggested as an appropriate reaction by my son – however I did wince a lot and shake my finger to relieve the symptoms. What I had gained was a deep paper cut on my knuckle. It really, really hurt and since then I’ve been feeling really sorry for myself.

The reason for this prolonged bout of suffering? Well, I obtained a plaster from the customer service section of the store as I didn’t want to continue dripping blood all over the floor and when I got home I cleansed it and covered it properly. However, all week it has failed to heal properly. You see, what I thought was a simple, albeit deep, paper cut has refused to heal as expected. When it was not fully healed I carelessly hurt it again in the same place and each time it seemed like the wound was deeper and more painful on the repeat injuries. Every couple of days it would bleed again and I’d have to start the healing process from scratch.

I started to get frustrated. I tried to think of a better way to save myself from the repetition of pain.

This made me think that this cut has been just like life.

It’s still not healed completely but it is getting there. I just have to treat it with more loving care. I am protecting the area of pain.

Poor me!

An excerpt from a manual for love and life

I had a conversation with one of my sisters this evening. As we chatted about life and love in general we started to get to specifics, as you do. As the exchange of ideas continued she shared with me some advice that she had recently heard from another family member. They had also been talking about love and life; these seem to be popular combined topics lately.

Anyway, back to the advice ... my sister said she was told that, if one was considering entering into any kind of intimate contact with someone else, but at the same time not wanting to get hurt, then the wise thing to do was to “put a veil over your heart”.

When she said this to me we both chortled at the same time. Our laughter was for different reasons. As my sister went on to explain the advice she had heard was said as if as a means of protection. To me it seemed like the general consensus was that any potential friendship or relationship was fraught with real dangers akin to going onto a battlefield without the correct armour, and the veil to cover your heart was essential to protect against inevitable damage.

The final question that was asked of the original speaker was “what if your veil slips?”

What indeed happens if you are so busy protecting yourself against possible dangers on all sides that your defences fail and you become exposed ... to love and life.

What do you do then?

Do you cover your heart back up with the alacrity of a seasoned magician before anyone but yourself has noticed that you were exposed, or do you allow yourself to live life and adore love ... just for a refreshing change?

It really made me think about whether living behind a veil of emotions is a really a good way to live.