Moving on

It takes different people different amounts of time to move on. I have concluded that moving on from a relationship can be amazingly easy or devilishly difficult depending on your emotional connection at the time of its conclusion.

Often you leave a relationship because you are suffocating but you may leave a relationship because you feel you are drowning in totally unchartered emotional waters. I have never been a strong swimmer, physically or emotionally, however, when I love people but I know that right at that point I cannot be with them then I will even swim away from them to save both of us despite the fact that every stroke is breaking my heart and making my arms heavier than lead. The constant love makes me move in ungainly strokes that may just achieve my objectives.

It does not matter how far away I get, I will never forget them. And those memories must remain private. Intrusion into their current life is not an act of love.

I know that time and circumstances change people, however, I believe that some attractions remain true despite the distance or the time. The important thing is to know if they are valid for both people in the relationship, otherwise it really is time to complete the moving on exercise.

Sometimes, even when we cannot see the way out, we have to step away from where we are and keep moving forwards. I have done this. It was not without pain, but it was easier than I had imagined for all the time I was emotionally disabled and over compromised. I stepped forward and found a window that led to happiness.

This is an extract from some of my thoughts once I was free to be myself ... to be different to whom I was pretending to be and to accept that I wanted something different in my life. I wanted the pleasure of love and desire. I wanted to be free from emotional disability; I wanted to be able to express all of me - if I wanted to.

Like dormant volcanoes you can stay silent for so long but the eruption into life will come eventually. When a person is continually denied self-expression they will either give up and die or stand up and fight for their life: I chose to fight.

I experienced living in an oasis of self-belief when I was alone with my friends or some members of my family. The travelling time to them was blissful. That should not have been the case. The return journey always saw tension stabbing its way into my neck and shoulders as I anticipated my cold welcome back.

One day I just said that it was over and I needed ‘something different’ in my life.

An unsent letter to … my ex.

When I told you of my decision to end our relationship it was almost as much of a shock for me hearing it out aloud as it must have been for you hearing it at all. Although I know that we both knew for a long time that neither of us was happy. I have lacked honesty in dealing with my feelings towards you and for that I’m sorry. You deserve better. You deserve to know the facts.

... My desire is to desire and experience the desire ... It was though I had been voluntarily drugged (I craved simple and mutual love and desire and I found it elsewhere) and each time my fix started to wear off I went back for more.

Everything has its due time and our partnership has run its course. The good times were there in the past but now ‘I need something different.’

I need to be me.

So, this is my advice to you, dear reader – these things I have learnt from plenty of experience: don’t become lost in your own life. If you ever feel the desperation for change make sure you address it because you could, like me, deny yourself so much that you empower other people to take control over you. Then you will never have the experience of peace, and love is no longer an element of the relationship. The only thing that you are sharing is a sense of suffocation in a daily nightmare.

It’s time to move on.

Resolutions

Some resolutions are so easy to keep. And others ... well, they are the exact opposite. This second batch of promises is the most difficult things to be true to. I often wonder why. It is as though the projected vision is not personal to me, I haven’t owned it.

But back to the easy ones, the ones I have no trouble keeping - well, to be truthful I have some moments when I feel like I am on a fragile rope bridge crossing a huge chasm and I surmise that it would be easier just to step through the broken treads and fall rather than to hang on and scramble to the other side of the valley. But, I still hold on because I feel not only will I gain something at the end of this testing period but I will also have proved to myself that I am capable of different kinds of strength.

Mostly it is the thought of achieving a mental goal that drives me forwards. Many resolutions are won or lost in my mind before any action takes place. In fact, all of them are fought in my mind. It is only when I give in that I accede to my body. When I persevere I take a huge mental step forward – the physical acts come later and are much more pleasurable because of the delayed gratification.

I don’t make a habit of sharing my resolutions so there’s no point wondering precisely what I am talking about. Suffice it to say, each day that I adhere to my preordained plan of action I feel stronger and more able to continue along the same path.

As for the resolutions that are difficult to keep ... I believe they are hard to maintain because I lack belief in the end result. And if I don’t believe then I won’t achieve.

New Year Resolutions – Sshhh!

I guess I’m a bit late in talking about New Year resolutions, but hey! That’s the way it is, I’m getting used to not being a sheep and it feels good. At least I’m getting used to being a sheep that is not in the huge flock that I used to belong to.

Anyway, I was going to talk about making New Year resolutions and the fact that millions of people have made them, and some may already have broken then – and it’s only day two of the New Year – and here I am, having not even made one yet! Well, that may not be strictly true, but before I perjure myself I’ll explain ... I don’t use the New Year as a reason (or excuse) to make a new resolution. Although it’s a significant day in the calendar for many people to me it is simply another glorious day to be alive and to achieve something wonderful – like any other day. Sounding trite? My apologies, but it is true ... each day is a spectacular gift. You have to agree with that I’m sure. We all seem to want more days to enjoy.

I don’t disagree that some dates have a special significance and memory but each present day is always - in my mind - the best day to start something; the present time always has the freshness needed for any task.

I read an article by India Knight that had the best advice about New Year resolutions that I have seen in a long time. It suggested that promising to start or stop something on a particular date seemed to put pressure on the task you have resolved to complete: the date arrives with a bang and you know what has been promised, others also know, all eyes are on you now.

Within a few weeks (days or hours) the resolve can fail or severely weaken and the embarrassment alone prevents you from wanting to do it all over again. So, Indian Knight recommends an alternative way forward:

“... decide what you want to take up / give up, and keep absolutely silent about it. Do it in secret.”

She says resolutions are essentially private things that you are doing for yourself, so it makes sense to keep them to yourself. India Knight contends that this way, you’ll feel fantastic if you succeed, and if you fail, nobody will know that you were even trying in the first place.

If you do fail, because nobody knew anyway, you have the added advantage that you can start again when you like, you don’t have to wait until the next New Year’s Day and a fresh set of new resolutions. With this silent method you really can’t be unsuccessful – you win both ways!

So, my New Year resolutions are ... to keep quiet about my New Year resolutions – Sshhh!

Validation

My life needs my validation, no one else’s.

People will always criticize and naysay. That will never end.

The level of true effort on my part is known by me.

My inner strength is necessary to rise against the attacks. I can do this.

Resolve that you will not let them get to you.

Validate yourself.

If you like … it’s another opportunity to prove them wrong.