Moving on

It takes different people different amounts of time to move on. I have concluded that moving on from a relationship can be amazingly easy or devilishly difficult depending on your emotional connection at the time of its conclusion.

Often you leave a relationship because you are suffocating but you may leave a relationship because you feel you are drowning in totally unchartered emotional waters. I have never been a strong swimmer, physically or emotionally, however, when I love people but I know that right at that point I cannot be with them then I will even swim away from them to save both of us despite the fact that every stroke is breaking my heart and making my arms heavier than lead. The constant love makes me move in ungainly strokes that may just achieve my objectives.

It does not matter how far away I get, I will never forget them. And those memories must remain private. Intrusion into their current life is not an act of love.

I know that time and circumstances change people, however, I believe that some attractions remain true despite the distance or the time. The important thing is to know if they are valid for both people in the relationship, otherwise it really is time to complete the moving on exercise.

Sometimes, even when we cannot see the way out, we have to step away from where we are and keep moving forwards. I have done this. It was not without pain, but it was easier than I had imagined for all the time I was emotionally disabled and over compromised. I stepped forward and found a window that led to happiness.

This is an extract from some of my thoughts once I was free to be myself ... to be different to whom I was pretending to be and to accept that I wanted something different in my life. I wanted the pleasure of love and desire. I wanted to be free from emotional disability; I wanted to be able to express all of me - if I wanted to.

Like dormant volcanoes you can stay silent for so long but the eruption into life will come eventually. When a person is continually denied self-expression they will either give up and die or stand up and fight for their life: I chose to fight.

I experienced living in an oasis of self-belief when I was alone with my friends or some members of my family. The travelling time to them was blissful. That should not have been the case. The return journey always saw tension stabbing its way into my neck and shoulders as I anticipated my cold welcome back.

One day I just said that it was over and I needed ‘something different’ in my life.

An unsent letter to … my ex.

When I told you of my decision to end our relationship it was almost as much of a shock for me hearing it out aloud as it must have been for you hearing it at all. Although I know that we both knew for a long time that neither of us was happy. I have lacked honesty in dealing with my feelings towards you and for that I’m sorry. You deserve better. You deserve to know the facts.

... My desire is to desire and experience the desire ... It was though I had been voluntarily drugged (I craved simple and mutual love and desire and I found it elsewhere) and each time my fix started to wear off I went back for more.

Everything has its due time and our partnership has run its course. The good times were there in the past but now ‘I need something different.’

I need to be me.

So, this is my advice to you, dear reader – these things I have learnt from plenty of experience: don’t become lost in your own life. If you ever feel the desperation for change make sure you address it because you could, like me, deny yourself so much that you empower other people to take control over you. Then you will never have the experience of peace, and love is no longer an element of the relationship. The only thing that you are sharing is a sense of suffocation in a daily nightmare.

It’s time to move on.