It's magical

You can teach people most things like how to drive a car, paint a house, build a wall or ride a bike. But some things come to us without us being formally taught how to do them. We just know. It could be that we learnt to walk but trying it out on our own, or create unique art by doodling with a pencil.

Earlier, my son Morgan, asked me a question. He said, “How do you love?” And it really made me think about where and when the feeling of love starts. How exactly do we know that we love someone? For adults we experience a romantic love that invariably involves some form of attraction.

We don’t decide who we are attracted to, we just know that looking at that person makes our heart beat a little faster or (at least in the initial stages of contact) brings on a desire to look away yet look at the object of your desire and there is a permanent smile fixed on your face when you think about them or look at them; those are some of the signs that an attraction has taken root in your heart.

You definitely cannot teach a person how to love but you can help them to show their love in acts of kindness and consideration for others. Love is not something that can be forced or moulded to fit anyone – it just happens. And all this occurs without being trained to do it.

Love is the best magic trick I’ve ever experienced. I can’t figure out how it’s done, but I do believe it – with all my heart.

Unwanted information

I have already written about those people who say, “I have to say ...” despite you not wanting to hear anything from them. They can be annoying. They can upset you. They can really hurt you when you are at your most vulnerable.

Because I have already waxed on about them I won’t do it again right now. But, I have to say ... (and this may appear to be coming from the other side of the coin) at the right time and in the right manner releasing information can be like having a boulder lifted off your arm.

If one part of you is trapped then it is impossible to move from your location until you either cut off the limb or you find a way to release it.

Once released the blood slowly flows back into your extremities, and even though there may be damage you can begin to feel like your whole self again.

When I practised this just named ‘release and be free’ exercise recently – not using a direct confrontational speech, because I’m not particularly comfortable with that, I experienced a sense of relief and the easing of a tremendous pressure. I used a seedsowers approach to distribution; however, there is one major problem with this method: you never know - until harvest - if you hit stony or fertile ground, all you know for sure is that the seed has left your hand.

I just hope that what I released was not unwanted information. There would be nothing worse that the information appearing, say as a child may turn up on the doorstep of her unseen biological father after decades, announcing “I’m yours, can you love me? I’ve loved you all the time I’ve known about you – I have this picture of you. See ...”, and expecting a miraculous union.

I have never experienced flight in a hot air balloon but when I felt release that’s what I imagined it would feel like. I had a sense of weightlessness and freedom. And the best thing of all was that because I had dared to share – in the best way I knew how, I was simultaneously wrapped in a sheen of hope: it was a delicious feeling.

Cynics say that miracles never happen but I experienced one right then.

I felt that there was hope for a different beginning. I felt happiness because I wasn’t restricted by fear; I had broken free.

It is a peculiar emotional state to be in, because it has been so unfamiliar to me, but I like it and I plan to keep hold of it.

Feeling this good, particularly if one can achieve it without hurting others, is well worth taking the chance of reaching out to hope and pushing the boulder of fear down the mountainside.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words - and never stops at all."

Emily Dickinson

Moving on

It takes different people different amounts of time to move on. I have concluded that moving on from a relationship can be amazingly easy or devilishly difficult depending on your emotional connection at the time of its conclusion.

Often you leave a relationship because you are suffocating but you may leave a relationship because you feel you are drowning in totally unchartered emotional waters. I have never been a strong swimmer, physically or emotionally, however, when I love people but I know that right at that point I cannot be with them then I will even swim away from them to save both of us despite the fact that every stroke is breaking my heart and making my arms heavier than lead. The constant love makes me move in ungainly strokes that may just achieve my objectives.

It does not matter how far away I get, I will never forget them. And those memories must remain private. Intrusion into their current life is not an act of love.

I know that time and circumstances change people, however, I believe that some attractions remain true despite the distance or the time. The important thing is to know if they are valid for both people in the relationship, otherwise it really is time to complete the moving on exercise.

Sometimes, even when we cannot see the way out, we have to step away from where we are and keep moving forwards. I have done this. It was not without pain, but it was easier than I had imagined for all the time I was emotionally disabled and over compromised. I stepped forward and found a window that led to happiness.

This is an extract from some of my thoughts once I was free to be myself ... to be different to whom I was pretending to be and to accept that I wanted something different in my life. I wanted the pleasure of love and desire. I wanted to be free from emotional disability; I wanted to be able to express all of me - if I wanted to.

Like dormant volcanoes you can stay silent for so long but the eruption into life will come eventually. When a person is continually denied self-expression they will either give up and die or stand up and fight for their life: I chose to fight.

I experienced living in an oasis of self-belief when I was alone with my friends or some members of my family. The travelling time to them was blissful. That should not have been the case. The return journey always saw tension stabbing its way into my neck and shoulders as I anticipated my cold welcome back.

One day I just said that it was over and I needed ‘something different’ in my life.

An unsent letter to … my ex.

When I told you of my decision to end our relationship it was almost as much of a shock for me hearing it out aloud as it must have been for you hearing it at all. Although I know that we both knew for a long time that neither of us was happy. I have lacked honesty in dealing with my feelings towards you and for that I’m sorry. You deserve better. You deserve to know the facts.

... My desire is to desire and experience the desire ... It was though I had been voluntarily drugged (I craved simple and mutual love and desire and I found it elsewhere) and each time my fix started to wear off I went back for more.

Everything has its due time and our partnership has run its course. The good times were there in the past but now ‘I need something different.’

I need to be me.

So, this is my advice to you, dear reader – these things I have learnt from plenty of experience: don’t become lost in your own life. If you ever feel the desperation for change make sure you address it because you could, like me, deny yourself so much that you empower other people to take control over you. Then you will never have the experience of peace, and love is no longer an element of the relationship. The only thing that you are sharing is a sense of suffocation in a daily nightmare.

It’s time to move on.

Fragile security

How safe and secure do you feel? This is a question I have asked myself. In my life one question often leads to another and the next question I had for me was ‘what makes you feel secure?’

Different things work for different people. It could be a series of locks on the door, your dog nearby, a partner, a mobile phone, a parent, a baseball bat close at hand, a prayer, a well built car, a spoken promise or ... absolutely anything.

What means everything to me may mean nothing to you.

If that security is shattered – because at most stages it is akin to a spun sugar dome over our hearts - then at that moment everything seems impossible to achieve.

A fragile sense of security is frequently linked to a fragile sense of self. Children of abusive parents know this all too well. The perceived sanctuary can be destroyed by one alcohol fuelled word or blow. It can also disintegrate under the withering eyes of a hate-filled look.

Without your own sense of security you live nervously, you live in a state of fear, or you live on a knife’s edge all the time. It is distressing to realise that you have become familiar with a sense of dread.

To reinforce personal security I have found that the best way is to journey inside – to find (or make) a safe haven – a place where you can believe in yourself as the one who will get you through any dread. What I have found is that when I’m faced with what seems like an impossible mountainous task I can follow the tendency to start my thinking process with, “I can’t do that ...” when, if I remember my past, I will find examples scattered like autumn leaves that tell me that I have already done the same or harder things.

That strengthens my resolve to keep going. Then I create a new normality for myself, one that is stronger than the fragile one of my recent past. I am erecting my own scaffolding.

In a way I am returning to an innocent child-like state when shyness and inhibitions at attaining my needs and desires were foreign behaviours. Having a strong sense of self is a natural expression of the young child that I was and I am attempting to emulate that confident nature that is still a part of me. When I succeed I feel as if I have built a castle around myself and nothing can harm me. Extreme emotional fragility is a thing of the past.

Greatest desires and greatest fears

If my greatest desire is to be known, why do I find myself hiding from those who want to know me?

I am lying to myself if I continue to hide – I don’t really want to be known.

If my greatest desire is to find a purpose in life, why don’t I start the search?

I am insincere about my desires if I do not begin to follow them.

If my greatest desire is to find someone to love me and understand me for who I am, why do I hold back from sharing who I am and what I think?

I will not get understanding if I don’t share some information about myself and how I work.

If my greatest fear is about being alone, why do I find myself hiding from those who want to know me?

I will fulfil my greatest fear if I continue to hide.

If my greatest fear is never realising my full potential, why do I find myself resisting opportunities to shine?

I will never grow or expand my brilliance if I continually reject the chances I encounter.

If my greatest fear is failure, is that why I never get started?

I will never know success or failure if I don’t try. I will never learn that failure is a growth and learning opportunity.

Sometimes I think that my greatest desire is ... desire and my greatest fear ... is fear.

Paradoxical? Possibly, but also true.

We all often desire things and are fearful that those desires will be fulfilled because ... what will we do then? Start to desire something else? And never reach a state of satisfaction?

Maybe we are comfortable with the concept of desire as an abstract theory not an actual reality. Therefore we desire desire and fear fear thus keeping them both at a safe distance from impacting on our lives.

At the same time we get a taste of fulfilment from the desire and a keen sense of the fear also keeps us alert.

Obtaining the things we desire can give us a sense of being out of control. By denying self we may believe we have desire controlled. Desire makes us feel helpless.

I think that because we fear losing our comfortable unfulfilled states of desire we never fully embrace the brilliant reality of having the desire satisfied. We become static.

We remain in self-fulfilling prophecies of continual unsatisfied desire and perpetual foreboding fear.

I am moving out of Static City ...

I’m leaving fear behind and moving on into desire. It feels good.

Look ...

Look ...

Wars abound
factions increase,
but I've found some peace,
in your eyes.

Greed persists
divisions grow,
but I've found some kindness,
in your eyes.


Neighbours quarrel
couples fight,
but I've found much love,
in your eyes.


World so full
of distress and pain
but I've found the beauty -
in your eyes.

© Marjorie H Morgan 1996

My truth

powerful emotion conquers knowledge

you are my truth

terrestrial heart loses it edge

Naomi for Ruth

planets fear the literary drought

desire ignites

erratic heart thumps and shouts

awaiting invite

established reason vanquished

without effort

lifelong sense is banished

to live in yourt

reaction to your presence

in mind or sight

drowning with concupiscence

desired outright

© Marjorie H Morgan 1998

Where will the competitions end?

What is present in most human interactions? Some of the common occurrences are love, desire, fear, hatred, anger, need and competition.

Competition is there in the desire for improvement in comparison with others. Also present is the need for attention and affection which are usually learnt as a child – from an early age we hone the skills needed to seek and gain these things in our lives. Because people consistently have different points of view there is an ongoing battle for the resources - natural and manufactured - to do better than the next person in order to achieve each one’s personal aim. This means that there will always be conflict.

Is all of life destined to be a competition?

From the cradle to the grave people are competing for something. We live in a competitive world and what we have others want, so they compete for it. Our time, our affiliation, our intelligence; how we vote, study, worship can all become affairs for personal advancement.

American Senator Henry Clay wrote, “Of all human powers operating on the affairs of mankind, none is greater than that of competition”.

21^st century television is awash with shows based on competition: who is fastest, who can last longest, and who has the most, who is biggest, who is smallest, and who can endure the most. It seems that for every human interest there is some contest for supremacy.

How then does humanity decide the differences of religious faith?

Is global terrorism the answer to the competitions of which religion is right, which faith follows the truth, what belief holds sway against the errors of the masses? Will this ultimate competition lead to the end of all contests as humanity destroys each other to prove that their own creed is the basis of light and truth?

How can we cease religious rivalry? Can we cease religious rivalry? Is there only one right way or are there many ways to illumination? Is the only way to answer this found in the annihilation of all opposition? Will there ever be one supreme religious conviction on this earth? Questions continue because the terror continues relentlessly in the name of devotion to one’s belief.

There is no dispute from me … terror in the name of faith is always shown as hostility and destruction, not a demonstration of holy persuasion and love. With religious terror there are no winners. Religious terror is destructive. That competition will never have a winner.

I know

I know ...

Desire enveloped me completely today. I could not breathe, think or move out of its control. I followed its call and flew to a height where I remembered being in you.
I lost myself for long deep moments and surfaced knowing only you. Bliss.
There is nothing quite like it – to go, disappear into you and lose all sense of being only to reappear from you, to you and know that I have touched perfection in those exquisite moments.
No wonder I always seek you out to repeat that sense of being totally lost and completely found in a captured second.
Time does not follow any linear path when desire is driving. Time loses shape, focus and order.
Right then, time belongs to never.
There is only you and me. Nothing else.
I can feel nothing apart from you and want nothing outside of you.
My complete existence is me in you in now.
My body turns inside out to be over you.
I know it is happening and yet still I marvel at the change in me. Each time I sense you wanting me, each time my desire overflows, I morph into pure emotion with no physical form to order me. Pulled, pushed and thrown by feelings that know no limit I flow upstream easily until I enter your source. Then, then – I am complete.

My desire kills me a little each time as I return exhausted but nothing prevents me from finding you immediately that my inside beat needs you. I will die over and over again just to live completely in that long perfect moment with you. In that moment my mind is suspended – all thought is banished and purple silence fills my being. I do not know what form my body takes, I have no idea where my limbs are, the only recognition I have is of a heat pulling me away from me into you, into the place beyond both of us where the nothingness that holds us is too beautiful to describe.
I know without knowing that outside of this moment we are separate entities. That knowledge passes quickly as the heat melds us fast together.
There is a noise - but the source cannot be identified – it is outside of now, outside of us or too deep inside to find. It is not important. Nothing matters beyond this. Desire has no competition but it still feels as if there has been some battle to reach this point.
Exhausted and happier than words – I slowly find my separate being entangled in yours. I regain my senses of touch and smell. Memory returns and time resumes its original shape.

Desire, however, had branded me from the inside. Right now, I am freely lost to you, for ever.

Copyright MHMorgan 2008