These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Here’s looking at you, Kid!

I had an unexpected conversation the other day which reminded me of a two way mirror. The fact is that what we commonly refer to as a two way mirror is really a one way mirror. There is only one side that is illuminated and the other, darkened, side is where the majority of the viewing takes place from.

Someone rang me to get information about a third party: I did not have any to give. This is because the connection between me and this third party had been broken a long time ago. Because the breach occurred a while ago but the innocent caller (Y) had decided to forget what they knew and stay in their own darkened viewing room.

You see, when the third party (called person X, for legal reasons) realised that I was no longer their puppet then their perception of me was destroyed. It was like throwing a brick into the centre of a floor to ceiling mirror: nothing can be the same again.

X took a step too far one day and I stood toe-to-toe instead of backing up as I used to do. At first X didn’t know what to do with my altered behaviour so they increased the pressure (sometimes known as bullying tactics) and I still refused to cave in because I was tired of being wronged without using my voice. The mirror cracked. Simultaneously we had both realised that our images of each other had been wrong.

At the end of this incident I felt that I was left with my pride intact and a new perception of X. Time passed and I did not follow the old script of crawling back for any morsel of conditional love that X would care to throw from the table.

What I found was that once I really started loving myself totally I was less dependent on others for scraps of their affection to make me feel better about myself.

The caller (Y) expressed a sense of anxiety about X’s perceived situation and tried to include me in it. I stepped back and explained that living in a constant state of dread and anticipation of something going wrong no longer suited me (I did not add that it also left me teetering on the edge of rejection and I was never good with heights or falling down).

So, the call ended.

I thought about X,Y and all the Zs... for a very short while. Then I exhaled again and went back to my peaceful place.

The beauty about losing the two way mirror is that I can see clearly for miles now.

1 comment:

Paul Jones said...

To see clearly: without distortion, is very difficult to achieve - but it is a prize worth every scrap of the effort taken I feel. And as for standing alone rather than being a pawn, or a punch-bag, well, being alone and independent can feel scary at first: to defy users, the tribe, convention. But the peace, as you have noted, obtained is another precious prize. If we go back to the source-texts of Yoga; the ultimate yogic gain is not fitness, or super-powers, or even realisation of the Infinite (although these can, it is claimed, come along the way), but a state which translates as 'Isolation' - the yogi is untouched unless s/he wills it. no longer controlled unless s/he wills it - not even by their own instincts, fears or desires - much those who would use and abuse.

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