These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Confident visibility

You have to be who you want to be to be happy; you have to be who you are to really be.

We are, after all, human beings, so we have to continue being ourselves.

Before I was confident in who I really am I was there – everywhere - but I was also invisible. People saw the part of me I projected, but they didn’t see any of the real me. I was cloaked – in the manner of the Star Trek Romulans - like a stealth fighter jet. I would move in and out of people’s lives, do what I needed to then retreat to a safe place where I would unveil myself.

Since I have invested time in getting to really know myself I have achieved confidence in my visibility because I am now standing on solid ground that I have constructed: it feels so good. I have accepted myself, totally. Life is so much better now that it was before.

While hiding vast portions of my identity I did not exist in a plane of freedom or clarity. It was as if I was living my life behind a smoke screen. I no longer live in that manner. I live clearly and freely.

My difference is not comfortable for many others, but I am not about to take on their discomfort. I lived with my own discomfort for many years. It was during those times that I wanted to stay hidden; it was my preference because of the overwhelming fear of being rejected. I would have done anything to melt into the background. Not many people desire to be wallpaper, but there were times in my past that I wished I would be as noticeable as the background wall hanging: invisible. My confidence was low because it had been constructed on shifting sands.

I am now happy and confidently visible.

I am on solid ground.

I am being ... me.

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