These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Moments like these ...

There are rare occasions when I am not at my best and the smallest thing can make me drop the veil of sadness over my face.

It may be a careless word or a deliberate action directed at me, no matter what the motive or the person when it reaches me I am hurt. And my initial reaction is to protect myself from further harm. My way of doing this is to shut down.

When I shut down I usually stop communication – in any way at all. Silence.

This is an unusual state for me but it does occur.

A brief outline of the situation may give you an idea of how I felt and what I did.

Clothes have never been a major interest to me – this was especially true when I was several sizes larger than I am now. This was mainly because my large build seemed to be a constant source of mirth to some people. They never saw how much pain it caused me. I hated shopping for clothes and always avoided it until the last possible moment. However, I thought it was more or less all behind me but I was mistaken.

The wounds of those words were temporarily opened by some fresh comment (disguised as a joke) about just how huge I was then (not my choice of words). I was surprised by the fact that it affected me instantly. I closed down.

This was not a practical reaction for several reasons, but pain does not always wait until you are in a comfortable environment to settle into your bones.

I felt my face drop the laughter like a mountain avalanche.

That’s when the change occurred. I wanted to, in the true Greta Garbo sense, ‘be let alone’. So I excused myself and tried to achieve the space to repair my pain.

This is when my son spotted a change in me and gave me a fierce hug. As much as I love him and his hugs I really wanted to be apart from everybody right then. But he looked into my face and said, “You’ve got to have some happy moments before you go.” And he wouldn’t let me go until I really smiled. By then I didn’t need to be alone any more.

Thankfully my life is full of happy moments like these.

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