These are my musings and observations on my daily life, loves and the laughter that are all a part of my experience of living now in the shires of England.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Fragile security

How safe and secure do you feel? This is a question I have asked myself. In my life one question often leads to another and the next question I had for me was ‘what makes you feel secure?’

Different things work for different people. It could be a series of locks on the door, your dog nearby, a partner, a mobile phone, a parent, a baseball bat close at hand, a prayer, a well built car, a spoken promise or ... absolutely anything.

What means everything to me may mean nothing to you.

If that security is shattered – because at most stages it is akin to a spun sugar dome over our hearts - then at that moment everything seems impossible to achieve.

A fragile sense of security is frequently linked to a fragile sense of self. Children of abusive parents know this all too well. The perceived sanctuary can be destroyed by one alcohol fuelled word or blow. It can also disintegrate under the withering eyes of a hate-filled look.

Without your own sense of security you live nervously, you live in a state of fear, or you live on a knife’s edge all the time. It is distressing to realise that you have become familiar with a sense of dread.

To reinforce personal security I have found that the best way is to journey inside – to find (or make) a safe haven – a place where you can believe in yourself as the one who will get you through any dread. What I have found is that when I’m faced with what seems like an impossible mountainous task I can follow the tendency to start my thinking process with, “I can’t do that ...” when, if I remember my past, I will find examples scattered like autumn leaves that tell me that I have already done the same or harder things.

That strengthens my resolve to keep going. Then I create a new normality for myself, one that is stronger than the fragile one of my recent past. I am erecting my own scaffolding.

In a way I am returning to an innocent child-like state when shyness and inhibitions at attaining my needs and desires were foreign behaviours. Having a strong sense of self is a natural expression of the young child that I was and I am attempting to emulate that confident nature that is still a part of me. When I succeed I feel as if I have built a castle around myself and nothing can harm me. Extreme emotional fragility is a thing of the past.

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